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Announcer.....Chris Parnell Anderson Cooper.....Will Forte Dana Swain.....Amy Poehler President Bush.....Will Forte (on tape) Announcer: And now, live from CNN news headquarters in Atlanta, here is Anderson Cooper, with a special report. Anderson Cooper: Good afternoon. It’s been an exciting day for news. So exciting, I’ve got ragging hard on, right now! On the same day that Scott Peterson gets his official sentence for the killing of his wife and unborn child, Robert Blake is found not guilty for the murder of his wife. It’s been a world-win day here at CNN as we have just found that Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly has been fined by the FCC for being “an obnoxious jag-off”. It’s about time some body did something about that schmuck! (Listens into his ear piece) What’s that? Okay! Another breaking story, Osama bin Laden reportedly “really really really hates the American people!” We at CNN will have more on this story as it develops. Scott Peterson has been sentenced to death, for the murder of his wife and unborn child. We go live to Redwood City, California, where Dana Swain is standing by with a report. Dana? (Camera cuts to Dana Swain reporting on the Scott Peterson death sentence) Dana Swain: Thank you, Anderson. It’s been a rough day here in Redwood City, as Scott Peterson was sentenced to death. Peterson’s lawyer was quoted as saying, “You know we live in a harsh, unjust society when you are found guilty because you hate your wife and you hate the life you are living. If I weren’t a lawyer, and I had a soul, I would want to kill myself for what has happened to this man.” Rough stuff, Anderson. Anderson Cooper: I agree, Dana. Hey, did you hear Bill O’Reilly got fined from the FCC? Dana Swain: Yes, I did, Anderson. It’s good day to be alive! Anderson Cooper: You bet! Dana, thank you for that report. Dana Swain in Redwood City, ladies and gentlemen. Once again, if you are just joining us, Robert Blake – not guilty, Scott Peterson – unborn baby killer – sentenced to death, and Bill O’Reilly – unbelievable douche-bag! And now, I believe we are about to switch gears to the “real news”. President Bush has called a press conference where he will be speaking about Iraq and reportedly the gas price issue. We go live to Washington D.C. for President Bush’s address. (Camera pans to President Bush’s address in Washington D.C.) President Bush: Good evening. I feel the need to speak to the American people. It seems to me, the people of America have many things on their minds and apparently, revamping Social Security isn’t one of them! America, if we are going to revamp Social Security, then I need your help! I cannot do this by myself. This isn’t like the time I sent troops to Iraq to take out Saddam Hussein. You folks didn’t like it, but I went ahead and did it anyway. And aren’t we better off? America, you gotta stop listening to John Kerry and to Michael Moore and to the folks at “Air America”. They are nothing but the devil’s children…understand? Now that I have your attention, I want you to listen to what I am saying. I understand that many of you are not interested in my effort to revamp Social Security, but you know what, I will not be taken back by this. We must move forward, one foot in front of the other. I will drink funky blue KOOL-AID and everyone else will follow. America, do you understand now? I hope you do. Good night and god bless! (Camera pans back to Anderson Cooper in Atlanta) Anderson Cooper: Well, I guess none of us were expecting that. You heard it here first folks, President Bush will be starting a mass-suicide and he is the leader. Follow the leader, or don’t! So, if you are just joining us, Robert Blake – not guilty, even thou he killed his wife anyways; Scott Peterson – unborn baby killer – sentenced to death, he’ll be some black guys bitch in no time, if he isn’t already; President Bush wants to revamp Social Security by arranging a mass-suicide; and Bill O’Reilly – unbelievable douche-bag! We are going to go to commercial now, and when we come back, we are going to find out about Paris Hilton’s trip to Mexico, chlamydia levels rising! Stay tuned. (fade to commerical) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
