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Gary... Seth Meyers Shayvone... Maya Rudolph Dereck... Ashton Kutcher (open on a university setting, the hall outside a classroom. Students are passing through the hallway, heading to their other classes. Two students, Gary and Shayvone, are standing by a bulletin board and chatting.) Gary: (upset) Oh God, that exam was a killer! Shayvone: (equally exasperated) Tell me about it, man! Gary: My friends all told me, "Take Classic Lit., Gary. It's the easiest class around, man. The professor's a total lightweight." Yeah, he is unless he DIES and the course is taken over by Dr. Tremain, a book-loving geek who actually takes that crap SERIOUSLY! Shayvone: He is killing my GPA. I swear, I should probably just sleep with him to boost my grade. Gary: Nah. It won't work, believe me. (Shayvone looks at him oddly. Gary buries his face in his hands.) Gary: (embarrassed) I had him last year for my creative writing class. It was not one of my proudest moments. (Shayvone nods in understanding. Dereck, another student and a friend of the two, walks up to them) Dereck: (cheerfully) Hey Gary, hey Shayvone. How you guys doin'? Gary: We could be doing a lot better. Let's leave it at that. Dereck: Aw, man, sorry things aren't going so well. This may not be the best time to ask, but do you guys wanna join my cult? (Gary and Shayvone look at him with odd stares on their faces) Shayvone: (incredulous) Your what? Dereck: (proudly) Yeah. I started a cult, and I need some members. You guys interested? Gary: (still trying to comprehend the issue) What, uh, exactly is this cult going to do, Dereck? Dereck: Oh, you know... mmmn, (shrugs) cult stuff. Our first meeting is Friday, I'd be glad to have you guys as members. Gary: I'm sorry, D-man, but this is all just too strange. You seemed to be a pretty solid guy, and now you're telling us you're starting a cult? It's just too... bizarre. I mean, you're a cool guy and all, but I don't want to be brainwashed by any propaganda films or will-breaking chants or anything... (Dereck holds up his arms and waves them in front of his friends) Dereck: Woah woah woah, you're jumping too far ahead, Gary. Propaganda films? Dude, I can't stand Michael Moore. No man, I was thinking we'd watch "Garden State" or "Ray." Those movies rock! Shayvone: So... no chants or anything like that? Dereck: Nah, I can return the karaoke machine if you're not into it. (Gary and Shayvone look at Dereck oddly, thinking he doesn't really understand what he's talking about) Gary: Dereck this, uh, this doesn't seem like an average cult. What's it called? Dereck: Dereck's Cult. (He smiles proudly, but his expression wavers as he sees the strange look on his friends' faces.) What? Okay, I know it's not that original and it's kind of egotistical, but all the good cult names were taken. I mean, you've got the Moonies, Heaven's Gate, the Libertarian Party... hell, Dereck's Cult was the best name I could come up with. Shayvone: (still slightly confused) So, uh, if we were to join this cult, would we have to worship you or some arcane elder God? Dereck: That's all up to you, Shay. I'm not a really religious guy, but I don't want to tell you what you have to do. Besides, I'd be uncomfortable if I had women worshiping me. I'm not ready for a strong relationship right now, but don't worry, I still think of you as a great friend. (Shayvone looks very confused at this comment) Gary: Do we have to eat a strict diet of nutrient-poor foods that will weaken our will and make us submissive to your desires? Dereck: Naw, guys, you eat enough of the cafeteria food already. Heh heh, get it, because the caf's food sucks? (Gary and Shayvone chuckle out of politieness). Nah, I was thinking about ordering some pizzas to watch with the movies, though. Shayvone: Will we have to give you all of our money and possessions to achieve "Nirvana"? Dereck: (a beat) I'd appreciate it if you guys chipped in for the pizzas. I'm running a little low this week. Gary: Are we going to have to commit some ritual suicide when the cosmos are at the proper alignment. Dereck: Yeah, that happens on May 21st, when the moons of Neptune are centered in Medea's Colon. Gary/Shayvone: (shocked) What?! Dereck: (defensively) Hey, come on! I didn't name those star patterns! It was those ancient Greek pervs, you know how much they were into butts! (Gary and Shayvone nod in understanding) Gary: Oh yeah... Shayvone: Right, we talked about that in humanities... Dereck: Besides, the suicide is an optional attendance event. All those individual robes and ceremonial daggers cost a lot, so the less people there the better. Other than that, are you two in? Gary: (mulling it over) Ah, why the hell not? It'll be a good way to relax when I'm not studying. And hey, if my chem grades don't pick up, I promise you I'll be there for the suicide. (The three laugh over his joke, then it dies down) Shayvone: Yeah, it seems pretty cool. I'm in too. Dereck: (pleased) Great! Thanks so much, guys. Our first meeting's on Friday, bring your sleeping bags and meet me at my dorm room by six. Tell all your friends! Gary: We will. Shayvone: Have a nice day, Dereck! (Gary and Shayvone walk off to the left, leaving Dereck in the hall, smiling happily) Dereck: (happily) All right! (pumps his arms in a sign of victory) This is gonna be the best cult ever! (fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
