|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Head Doctor…..Rob Riggle Paramedic 1…..Tina Fey Paramedic 2…..Maya Rudolph Larry…..Ashton Kutcher Doctor 2…..Finesse Mitchell Paramedic 3…..Fred Armisen (Paramedics rush Larry in and begin examining his body.) Head Doctor: (melodramatically) I'm sorry boys, I think we've lost him. Paramedic 1: (pulls off mask) How many times do I have to tell you? Both of us are women. Head Doctor: All right, take him downstairs. Paramedic 2: To the morgue? Head Doctor: (sarcastic)…No, to the meat locker. Of course to the morgue! Larry: (voice comes up from the table, and a hand is slowly raised) Whoa, whoa, dude. I'm not dead or anything. (nobody reacts to him) Paramedic 2: (back to Head Doctor) I was just making sure, Doctor. We don't need to perform any tests to be sure he's really dead? Larry: Uh… Head Doctor: You want a test? Okay, we'll try the "nudge" test. (pokes Larry pretty hard) Larry: Ow! What'd you do that for?! Head Doctor: There, ya happy, Mr. Are-You-Sure-He's-Really-Dead? Paramedic 2: I'm just trying to be professional! Head Doctor: You'll have time to be professional when you're dead. Let's keep it moving, fellows. Paramedic 1: We're not… Larry: I'm not… Head Doctor: Can you please remove the dead guy ferchrissake? Paramedic 1: Fine. Larry: But I'm not dead, dammit! (Shot changes to the hall of the hospital. Doctors, patients milling about, etc.) Larry: Hello? Can't you guys hear me? (They pass some other doctors in the hall.) Paramedic 1: Doctor. Doctor 2: (condescending) Pff. EMT. Paramedic 1: We're paramedics! Paramedic 2: (confused)…Doctor? Larry: Help! (They turn a corner into another hall and get onto an elevator with another guy, Herbert, in a stretcher. The doctors make elevator faces.) Larry: Can't anybody hear me?? Herbert: (pipes up) I can! Larry: (relieved) Fantastic. Can you tell one of these blockhead doctors that I'm not dead? Herbert: Hmm…No, I don't think so. Larry: What do you mean, no?! Herbert: 'Cause I'm dead too! Larry: For the last time…hey, wait a minute. You're dead? Herbert: Yes. I had a fatal heart attack watching television in this very hospital. Ironic, innit? Larry: Wow. What were you watching? Herbert:…Never mind that, suffice it to say it was, uh, a stimulating program in regards to the issues it raised. (Shot moves up to doctors, who are silent and still wearing elevator faces until Paramedic 2 breaks the silence.) Paramedic 3: Did anybody catch Scrubs last night? (confused silence) Paramedic 2: Why, were they running amok? (Back down to the guys in stretchers.) Larry: How come I can talk to you if you're dead? Herbert: Beats me. (beat) Are you sure you're not dead? Larry: Of course I'm sure! Well…I was sure, but if you're dead…now I'm not so sure. (Elevator door opens, Larry and Herbert are wheeled past shelves of cadavers that look like a file cabinet system. They stop at a place with two empty shelves and the doctors begin to drag empty body bags over.) Herbert: Oh dear. Larry: I have an idea! They'll have to unstrap me to put me in the bag. They can't pretend I'm dead if I knock their blocks off. Herbert: You're too young to use an expression like that. That's for old fogies like me. (As he says this, Herbert is lifted out of the wheeling part of the stretcher, but he remains strapped to a board underneath him.) Fiddlesticks, so much for that idea. Larry: (As both of them are zipped into bags, resigned) Well, if I'm not dead now, I will be soon… Voice: Wait! Larry: (pokes his head up) Thank God! It's my girlfriend Nina, she'll know I'm not dead! Paramedic 1: Excuse me, miss? Nina: Is one of those men Larry Green? Paramedic 1: Yes. Larry: YES! Nina: Good. Sorry to bother you, but he had the house key and the credit card. Could you… Paramedic 1: No problem. (opens up bag and takes the items from Larry's pocket) Larry: …What? Nina! (bag starts to close again, visual transition to Larry lying in the bag with a black background…the idea is to make it look as if the top were sliced off and the audience was peering down at him. First he's just kind of lying there looking bored, then the shot transitions to him singing.) Larry: This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend, (as if about to launch into the amazing solo part) Some people- (A metallic banging is heard.) Voice: Mr. Green? Larry: Finally! (Fade.) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
