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Henry Waxman...Jim Downey Tom Davis...Chris Parnell Mark McGwire...Rob Riggle Sammy Sosa...Finesse Mitchell Curt Schilling...Darrell Hammond Jose Canseco...Ashton Kutcher Rafael Palmeiro...Fred Armisen Stephen Lynch...Seth Meyers Dennis Kucinich...Amy Poehler Marsha Blackburn...Maya Rudolph Danny Davis...Kenan Thompson (open in meeting of committee for steroids, all people present) Henry Waxman: Hello, and welcome to this meeting to discuss steroid use in the ranks of the MLB. I applaud you for your cooperation today, as this may or may not be an embarrassing time for you. We hope to get your opinions on everything pertaining to this controversy, as well as some insight. Tom. Tom Davis: Yes, we are not here to judge you in any way. This is basically to amplify the issue and make it known to the viewing public, as well as the federal government. Any opening comments? Mark McGwire: No, sir. Sammy Sosa: No. Curt Schilling: No, not now. (Canseco talks to attorney for a few seconds) Jose Canseco: No. Rafael Palmeiro: No, sir. Tom Davis: Well, in that case, after bringing you here now, I would like the committee to ask questions for this particular panel, because they may in fact know more than anybody in the Major League Baseball organization. Mr. Lynch? Stephen Lynch: Ah, yes. I have a question for Mr. Schilling. Curt Schilling: Yes. Stephen Lynch: How awesome was it you winning the World Series? I mean, come on! (guests applaud, and hopefully audience does too) Curt Schilling: Well, it was quite invigorating. Probably the best thing to ever happen to me. I told everybody it could be done, and would be done. Do you have a question on steroids? Stephen Lynch: In a moment...now, pitching with a bloody foot. Just awesome. Tom Davis: Mr. Lynch, please. Stephen Lynch: Okay. Now, Mr. Schilling, obviously your team didn?t do steroids because they are the greatest team of the world. But can you tell me this. If you did take steroids, do you think all of you could fly? Curt Schilling: Um.... Tom Davis: That's enough, Mr. Lynch. Mr. Kucinich, do you have a question? Dennis Kucinich: I just want to say how angry it makes me to know that steroid use among ballplayers has been given a slap on the wrist for punishment. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Rafael Palmeiro: Ashamed of what? Dennis Kucinich: Well, for using steroids. You all use them, right? Mark McGwire: I do not want to talk about the past. Tom Davis: We didn't ask you about the past, Mr. McGwire. Mark McGwire: I know....but I don't want to talk about the past. Rafael Palmeiro: I have never used steroids. I thought this was just a discussion on the use of steroids in baseball. Dennis Kucinich: (pauses) Why are we here? Tom Davis: (sighs) We are here to orate the...I've said it numerous times. Just ask a question pertaining to the possible overuse of steroids, please. Dennis Kucinich: Okay, but before I ask that, may I ask one thing? What is baseball? Tom Davis: Oh, for god's sake. Dennis Kucinich: I mean, is it that game where the women hit the ball over the net. That one gets me boiling in the breadbasket, I tell you. Curt Schilling: That's volleyball, sir. Baseball is a game in which defense takes the field, and the offense gets up at bat, trying to hit the ball from the defending pitcher. Running bases, catching the ball... Dennis Kucinich: (confused) Offense? Defense? Tom Davis: Ms. Marsha Blackburn, I believe you have a question? Marsha Blackburn: Ah, yes. I wanted to know if this negativity could be portrayed as a positive for the future in the preventions of steroid use. Mark McGwire: Well, I gotta tell you. This negative could definitely become a positive. I'm positive in my mind that that will happen. But, I look at the negativity this has caused on such positive players, and the negative effects it may have in their positive lives. Sammy Sosa: Yes. Marsha Blackburn: Do you agree with Mr. McGwire, Mr. Sosa? Sammy Sosa: Baseball. Marsha Blackburn: (puzzled) Okay! Um, also, Mr. Canseco, do you feel the MLB has taken some sort of aggressiveness in the past ten years? Jose Canseco: Well...(talks with attorney)...I would have to say the last ten years was a complete joke when it came to steroid punishments. Mostly, I believe that back then about 80% of players used steroids. Marsha Blackburn: 80%???? Jose Canseco: Um, uh...(talks with attorney)...yes, 62%. Tom Davis: I beg your pardon. Jose Canseco: Yes, about 7%. Which is a lot? Tom Davis: Do you have an estimated figure? Jose Canseco: Um, (talks with attorney) whatever you want to here. Um, I could tell you my owner did it if it makes you happy. Tom Davis: And that would be the truth? (Canseco talks with attorney for ten seconds) Jose Canseco: Yes? Tom Davis: Alright, Mr. Davis. You have a question? Danny Davis: Um, yes. Mr. McGwire, I believe your record breaking home run escapade is what brought on closer inspection of steroid use. Mark McGwire: I do not want to talk about the past. Sammy Sosa: Yes. Danny Davis: I didn't finish. With this in mind, do you feel that you should be overlooked in the discussion of possible steroid use in the clubhouse. Mark McGwire: I will not talk about the past. Danny Davis: You're pleading the fifth? Mark McGwire: I'm not talking about the past. Danny Davis: You took the fifth? Mark McGwire: No past. Sammy Sosa: I agree with Mr. McGwire. (committee stares at each other unsure of themselves) Tom Davis: Okay, any final words from the panel? Jose Canseco: I would just like to say that I would like to close with anything you want me to say. Really. Sammy Sosa: I agree. Mark McGwire: I want to look into the future. Get rid of this negativity, and make a positive out of it. And no one really needs to look into the past. The past is over. Rafael Palmeiro: Why am I here? I mean, really. I just want to go home. Curt Schilling: I would just like to say that I?ve never seen a steroid in my 19 years of professional baseball. I look the other way in other words, and sometimes notice baldness and excessive hairyness, but I just don't judge. Tom Davis: If within a month, we have not done our job, or the MLB has not done its job, would you be willing to come back? Jose Canseco: If that's what you want! Sammy Sosa: Baseball been very, very good to me. Mark McGwire: Well, since this would be the past, I believe I could not talk about now then. Rafael Palmeiro: If I get paid, I will. Otherwise, I do not want to sit down for 10 straight hours to say one word. Curt Schilling: I don't believe we will need to come back. The problem will be solved. Tom Davis: I believe you truly are a politician, Mr. Schilling. Curt Schilling: Not on your salaries. Henry Waxman: This committee has adjourned for now on the third panel today. We will take a short recess, where Mr. Jose Canseco will autographing copies of his book. Thank you, and we will see you later. (fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
