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Rumer Willis.....Rachel Dratch Ashton Kutcher.....Seth Meyers Demi Moore.....Amy Poehler Bruce Willis.....Ashton Kutcher Lindsey Lohan.....Tina Fey Larry the Cable Guy.....Rob Riggle (Fade into an opening montage featuring family photos of the Willis family. Cheap recurring music pots up.) Singers: "A DAY IN THE LIFE OF RUMER WILLIS! THE ELDEST DAUGHTER OF BRUCE AND DEMI! CAN SHE HANDLE IT? CAN SHE HANDLE IT? IT’S A DAY IN THE LIFE OF RUMER WILLIS!" (Fade into Rumer’s room. She is typing at the computer) Rumer V/O: God, I hate my life. Yeah it’s great to be the daughter of two celebrities, but it sucks when your parents are like sex gods to other kids. Mom always said that it was just my imagination. She’s so naive, maybe it’s coz she’s banging a guy more than half her age. I actually liked Ashton Kutcher. I had posters of him on my wall. One day, mom comes home arm in arm with him. I remember the day, it was my birthday. That’s what really ticks me off. That bitch knew I liked him!!! Wait, I should stop this. My mother is not a bitch. She’s a hot slutty MILF! I’m the teenager, my sisters are too young. By the time their teenagers they won’t have to deal with this. They won’t have to deal with- (she stops typing and starts to speak) Rumer Willis: What the hell am I doing. Is this goddamn Doogie Howser or something. Why am I expressing my feelings on a computer styled diary. It’s 2005, I need to drown my sorrows in a different way. (Cut to Rumer on the couch watching tv) TV Announcer: Coming next on ET. Is Bruce really seeing Lindsey Lohan? (Rumer angrily turns off the television. Demi and Ashton walk in from the other room.) Demi: What was that noise Rumer. Is there paparazzi at the door? I told you to keep the curtains closed. Rumer: I’m fine mom, thanks for asking. Demi: Don’t start with me, I’ve been sick all morning. Why do you mope around the house all day. Why didn’t you go to the mall. Rumer: I did go to the mall, but I came back. (Ashton starts laughing uncontrollably.) Ashton: Hahaha, a girl never goes to the mall for only an hour. Demi: I worry about you. You’re not that social with the guys. I mean when I was your age, the guys were all over me. Rumer: (mutters under her breath) whore. Ashton: What was that? Rumer: Please, you were in diapers when she was my age! Demi: Rumer, you’ve always respected Ashton, why have you started disliking him. Rumer: I hate you. At the mall, all these guys came up to me and asked if I was Demi Moore’s daughter. They told they masterbated to all those Brat-Pack Movies 100 times. They offered me big bucks to get shots of you in the shower. (Camera pans to the front door. It opens and Bruce Willis comes inside) Bruce: Honey! Honey? (He starts looking around) Demi: What? Bruce: Oh, I got a huge jar of honey, I can’t find it. (Bruce and Demi go towards each other. It only looks like they are going to hug, but Bruce just hands her a check.) Bruce: Here’s that deposit you wanted. (They both go in different directions.) Bruce: Oh, Rumer, I have a surprise for you. Rumer: Really? Bruce: Yeah, it’s in the car, I know you have problems at school. Rumer: Yeah, Lindsey Lohan. She’s at my school and she always acts like a snob. (Bruce opens the door, and Lindsey Lohan walks into the house. Ashton starts gazing right at her) Rumer: What? I thought those were fake rumors. How can you like that little prissy skank! Bruce: Hey, I earned it. I was DIE-HARD! But I mainly did it because I didn’t make the top 10 DILF’s in the USA. George Lopez AND Jim Belushi are on that list. For god sakes. I’m hotter than fat-ass drunkard Jim Belushi. Rumer: That list was distributed by ABC. Bruce: I know my ABC’s. Shouldn’t I get some sexy-respect! Lindsey: Ugh! Rumer, why can’t you be happy for us. Your daddy just wanted someone he can be proud of in this family. But this great, now you can call me mom. Mother’s day is sure going to be sweet! (Ashton is still in awe with Lindsey. Rumer walks over to him and punches him in the stomach) Ashton: Augh! What the hell was that for? Is that how you treat all the guys you know? Rumer: I can’t believe I ever was in love with you. You are moronic, crude and you probably don’t even like my mom! Ashton: I don’t need this, Demi has 2 other daughters I can get to know! (Goes off in the other room) Bruce: Yes, she’s younger, but life is all about living young. What else do I have to look forward to, my own death. Rumer: Don’t forget, you’ll get all those "Life-time Achievement awards". Bruce: Rumer, I have always respected your love interests, now can you respect mine. Lindsey: Oh, that’s right, you never had a love interest! Rumer: I do have a boyfriend. I met at a comedy club I went to. I invited him over, but I didn’t tell you, because I was afraid you wouldn’t like him. (Comforting music plays) Bruce: Now you know, that we will always respect your feelings. (Demi comes back into the room. She, and Bruce hug, and Rumer comes close as well. Lindsey continues to look at them with a snobby/stuck up face.) Lindsey: I wouldn’t know anything about this, my dad’s in prison for drunk driving. (The music stops and Ashton runs into the room like an idiot) Ashton: Demi, the doctor called, you’re pregnant! WOO! I’m gonna be father! Rumer: Mom! How could you! (Demi whispers to Rumer) Demi: He may not be the father, but uh don’t tell him that. If you don’t want to see Ashton when he’s upset. Ashton: Looks like I’m your step-dad. (He looks at Lindsey) Ashton: You know, you could marry Bruce, we could be like step-parents or something. Lindsey: Are you like hitting on me or something? Cause, that’s kind of cool, you were a model once. (Suddenly there is a knock at the door. It opens and Larry the Cable Guy enters the house.) Larry: Hey y’all. (Looks at Rumer) Hey baby, Larry’s here for ya. Rumer: Oh my god, isn’t he great, mom and dad, meet my boyfriend. Larry the Cable Guy! (Camera pans around to get disgusted shots of everyone in the family) Demi: The crippled at the charity event look more intelligent than him. Larry: Hey folks forget about that there times with that there movie. Ashton: What? Larry: (Extends his hand to Bruce) Mr. Moonlighten, sir. I love yer daughter, she just what I want. I’m just look fer some tush and boobies. Bruce: Get the hell out of my house! Demi: Bruce, it’s my house. You have your property and I have mine. I will sue you for that statement! (She looks at Larry the Cable Guy) Look you redneck bastard, I will kick your hick ass! (She grabs Larry’s arm, but he gets excited.) Larry: Hehehehe! I haven’t had this much fun since I got my Nascar plates, I tell you what! Lord, sweet Jesus, I think I might had a crush on you since that there film with that Breakfast Club guy. Ashton: Hey, Billy Bob. She’s mine. Larry: What the hell would she want with you. Aren’t you one of them them queer guys. (Larry lets one big fart out.) Larry: Git R’Done! Ashton: What the hell does that even mean! Larry: All I know is about red-neck stuff. I am a proud man, prouder than a Mexican at Taco Stand in Toledo. Bruce: You are a moronic comedian. Your jokes don’t make any sense. Everybody loves you because you sound like a fat ignorant redneck retard! Larry: Hey, I’m asking fer some of that there respect for being your daughter’s lover. Demi: Bruce, you have played tough police-men in your movies. But you can’t handle a little boyfriend trouble jeez. Mr. "The Cable Guy". You are obviously not educated, and we don’t want our daughter to lose her virginity to someone like you. Larry: I am the smartest one in my family, I completed my community college in 9 and ½ years. Besides, she already done that their losing her parts in my parts thing. My uh, weiner in her uh... (He stops and looks off in the distance) Anybody else get the sudden urge want play with some Iowa Firecrackers. Rumer: Daddy I loved him, and this is payback for both of you and your sick under-aged lovers. Bruce: Obviously, we haven’t gotten through to you. We didn’t marry for love. We married for publicity and fame. Do you know how much of boost this whole thing did for Charlie’s Angel’s 2. I’ve got "Siege" out right now. This is Lindsey Lohan thing is perfect. I am disappointed that you actually wanted love in your Hollywood relationship. Rumer: I don’t care about money. Besides We’re gonna Get Er’ Done! Larry: I sure don’t what the hell I say sometimes. But I like my red-neck style, and if you can’t see that then you may be to "cool" for my shows. Come on Rumer, instead of GED, let’s get out of here and get some W-E-N-D... I forgot how you spell Wendy’s. Do you think we can go there? (Rumer Willis laughs and she and Larry proceed to make out on the couch. Bruce and Lindsey walk out the door, while Ashton and Demi storm out through the kitchen. The sketch fades to black, but as the SNL bumper approaches, you can hear one last line) Larry: This still don’t beat Wendy’s. (fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
