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Ralph.....Ashton Kutcher Sara.....Maya Rudolph Waiter.....Fred Armisen Busboy.....Will Forte Le Chef Jacques.....Darrell Hammond [ fade in ] [ int. Restaurant – Evening ] [ Ralph and Sara, on a date, are seated at a table, when Waiter, who maintains a thick French accent, approaches ] Waiter:Bonjour. You are in Le Sortez-Vous Grosse-tête Laide. We do not wish to serve you; you may as well depart. Sara:I can’t believe you found this place, it’s so wonderful. Ralph:Suds said it was a great place to take a lady for a romantic dinner. Waiter: Your friend must have the brain cells of a discarded fish bone. Please, if you would for us, sit on a rusty pile of nails. We do not like you. Sara:Mmm. I like the paintings they have here. Ralph:Yeah, they are pretty sweet. I like that one with the swan. Waiter:What, you think the paintings are for you? You are terribly mistaken. Allow me to throw your candle at Le Cygne de Matin, in hopes that it will burn in flames. No one will ever look at her again without think about how you scurvy impudent swine were defiling her gorgeous beauty. [ Waiter throws candle, lighting painting. Busboy enters with fire extinguisher and puts it out ] Busboy: Why must they look at the paintings? Why? [ exits ] Waiter: You should get back in your [ disgustedly ] Ford Explorer [ normal ] and drive to your pathetic studio apartment before you force us to ignite another Monet, you pathetic Disney swine. Sara: I think we’re all set to order. Waiter: Had I fathomed you could read I would never have given you menus. I can only hope you received many paper cuts. Ralph: I’m going to have the [ mispronouncing ] blanc de poulet bourré and she’s going to have the [ mispronouncing ] carre d'agneau roti. Waiter: When you say that, I am reminded of my younger years when my older brothers would push me down flights of stairs for fun. Each syllable is like another marble step crashing into my ears. Might I suggest you stick a fork in a socket? We have many deadly sockets for you to choose from, they are the one thing to which you are completely welcome to use. Ralph: We’d like a bottle of house chardonnay also. Waiter: We have a saying, “The house chardonnay is for the crack-house.” I am sure for you, madame, and you, monsieur, it will be perfect. Seeing as how you have made no motion, towards the door, you leave me little choice but to get Le Chef Jacques. [ Waiter exits ] Sara: I wish the sketch was about us so we could talk more. Ralph: Yeah, all we’re really doing is buying time so that it looks like he actually went to get the cook. [ Waiter returns with Le Chef Jacques, bearing two trays, which he serves to Ralph and Sara ] Le Chef Jacques: We hate you. We wish you were stranded on a drifting iceberg with an icy headwind, with no clothing besides twelve dozen living tarantulas. Waiter: We were not going to serve you anything, but we hate this cow so much, we decide to kill it and give part of it to you. This is a terrible, terrible cow. [ Sara and Ralph remove covers to their food to discover a large chunk of meat just tossed onto a plate. Patchy cow skin is still visible on the side. ] Le Chef Jacques: The meal would not be complete without the proper garnish. And for you, perverted people who grind your body against good taste in a crowded subway, the proper garnish is photographs of mating porcupines. [ begins placing photos on the tray ] You will note the wide variety of positions. This is because of how much we hate you. [ exits ] Waiter: I would serve you your crack-house wine by smashing the bottle over your preposterously lumpy head, but that would leave too much of a mess on our floor. If you would, follow me over to this floor covering. [ Waiter and Ralph walk over ] Waiter: This is much better. [ bashes bottle over Ralph’s head ] [ Waiter and Ralph return ] Sara: I love this place, it’s so quaint. Waiter: We currently have two of our dishwashers keying your car and stealing your stereo. Ralph: This place really is terrific. Waiter: Why must you be so pleased and smug, you insipid tree toads? We hate you. Ralph: [ sincerely ] Someone’s looking to build their tip. Waiter: I do not want your stupid American money with their pictures of famous old buildings restored to give authentic historical tours. With the pictures of magical eye pyramids and destroyers of cherry trees. Sara: We should come back here next week. Waiter: That would be a terrible mistake. We must now move the restaurant on you. All of the customers we like will receive directions in the mail. You, however, will receive a plastic bag of dog poop. [ raising voice to personnel ] Attention! We must move the restaurant again! [ with that, all the bus boys and other servers in the background begin picking up furniture, food and cutlery and carrying it out the door ] Waiter: I long for a time when your revolting gratitude does not force us to do this. [ Waiter picks up the table from in front of Sara and Ralph and walks off ] [ fade out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
