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Hillary, J.P. Ragan & Mark Jennings Reese II.
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.....Tina Fey .....Amy Poehler Bernie Mac.....Kenan Thompson Star Wars Diva.....Rachel Dratch George Lucas.....Horatio Sanz Gil Treacle.....Seth Meyers Jack Greenberg.....Horatio Sanz Tony Blair.....Fred Armisen Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. A man who threatened to blow up his van near the White House during inauguration week pleaded guilty Thursday to making a false explosive threat. The man pictured here (A picture of John Kerry), said he was sorry for the threat. It was the desperate actions of a desperate man! The sisters and fiancée of a murdered Belfast, Ireland man, Robert McCartney, met with President Bush in Washington DC, Wednesday afternoon. President Bush said, “It’s so sad to see another Beatle member die! So sad!” Amy Poehler: On Thursday, the House of Representatives heard testimony from several baseball players on steroid use in major league baseball. One of the players at the hearing, former player Mark McGwire, did not say whether or not he had taken steroids, but did leave the representatives with this thought, “I have shrunken testicles. Does that answer your question?” A homeless man, who received $230,000 because he was denied entry to a public library, is suing the New Jersey Transit Authority for kicking him and other homeless individuals out of a train station. If any news reporters wish to contact the homeless man, look for him under a bridge somewhere. Tina Fey: A study this week shows that obesity lowers life expectancy. In a related story, naked women are the leading cause of sexual thoughts. Amy Poehler: Danny Joe Brown, the lead singer of the popular band "Molly Hatchet", died this week of what has been reported as diabetes complications. Well, I guess that's what happens when you "flirt with disaster." (Amy & Tina start to rock out to cued up music track - Molly Hatchet's "Flirting with Disaster") Tina Fey: It was reported this week that Billy Joel has checked himself into alcohol rehab. Friends of "The Piano Man" singer became worried when he described dinner as "a bottle of red, a bottle of white...and a lot of hard liquor!" Mario Vazquez, a finalist on this season's "American Idol", announced this week that he is leaving the show, citing "personal" problems. In other words, he knew he was going to be voted off the show, and he wanted to cash in on the publicity now. Amy Poehler: Chris Rock has signed on to do a comedy pilot for UPN. Asked to comment, Rock said, "I host the Oscars and this is the best offer I get! What the (beep) going on in the world?" Rock then proceeded to go off for about a half hour about how dumb President Bush is and how big a slut Paris Hilton is. The working title for Chris Rock's comedy pilot is "Everybody Hates Chris." Asked to comment, "Everybody Loves Raymond" star Ray Romano said, "Hey! Come on, now! That’s…not…right." Tina Fey: American Idol creators are reportedly taking action over a "gay porn" version of the show, entitled, "American Porn Star." A gay porn version of "American Idol” isn't that weird, but the weirdest thing about this whole story is that Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest are contestants in the "gay porn" series. A report this week says that Bruce Willis almost missed out on doing his new film "Hostage." Willis says, "I've been real busy making sure Ashton doesn't sleep with any of my daughters!" Amy Poehler: As you know, tonight’s host is Ashton Kutcher, star of the new film, “Guess Who”. In celebration of the release of the film, here is the main co-star of the film, Bernie Mac. Bernie Mac: Thank you. Thank you. Amy, it’s good to be here. Amy Poehler: Bernie, thanks for being here. Tell us, what was it like working with Ashton Kutcher? Bernie Mac: What was it like working with Ashton Kutcher? Okay, Amy, go ahead and act like you don’t know me! I guess you forgot when I hosted this here show 2 years ago. Back when this show was still…okay. When you didn’t have the host screaming in every sketch. Yeah, Hilary Swank screaming about a hot plate and she still get the g’damn Oscar! Ridiculous! So, fine. You want to know what it was like to work with that punk ass Ashton Kutcher? It was hell and a half. We were supposed to film the feature in 3 weeks, but no! It took 6 months. It didn’t help that five times day that punk had to go and work on that “punked” show he does for the MTV! Ridiculous! Then he had to get all ‘goofy’ with his “fez” friend from that “That 70’s Show” show. Then his mom had to pick him up from the set and go play “rock the casbah” in his trailer. Ridiculous! And I’ll tell you – his mother is a good-looking woman! Amy Poehler: Are you talking about Demi Moore? Bernie Mac: Hell yeah, she a fine looking woman! Tina Fey: That’s his girlfriend, not his mother! Bernie Mac: What? Well…different strokes for different folks, I guess. You know what I’m saying? When I was growing up, I was taught, you date the opposite sex of your age…not your mother’s age or even your sister’s age…your age, damnit! So, to sum up, it was like HELL trying to work with that punk, and you know what, I really don’t care if you see the film, I’ll be fine either way. I just hope they don’t ask me to do a sequel! I’m Bernie Mac! Ridiculous! (Bernie Mac rolls his chair off the Update set) Amy Poehler: Bernie Mac, everyone! Tina Fey: A Santa Monica judge issued a three-year restraining order against Janet Jackson's accused stalker, 46-year-old old Robert Gardner, preventing him from coming within 100 yards of Ms. Jackson. Robert Gardner’s lawyer issued this statement saying, “All my client wanted to do was see the other breast…that is all he ever wanted!” NBC announced this week that the network has renewing prime-time dramas “The West Wing”, “Las Vegas”, and “Crossing Jordan”, as well as the Matt LeBlanc sitcom “Joey” for the 2005-2006 season. Hearing this, Matt LeBlanc walked up to the devil and said, “How you doin’?” Amy Poehler: Canada has been working to ban rappers 50 Cent and DMX. Knowing about this, 50 Cent's record company has tried to promote the rapper in Canada as, "15 cents with the exchange rate." Veteran talk show host Larry King signing a contract extension with CNN that will keep him on the network through 2009 or until the apocalypse is upon us. Tina Fey: Actress Gina Gershon has been set to play a Hollywood producer of a big Hollywood studio on the new UPN drama "THE LOT". Hearing about this, Greshon said, "No! Please! I don't want to be on UPN! I want to be a desperate housewife! Please!" Amy Poehler: American Online has made some changes to their user agreement, reports “slashdot.com”. When creating a new user account, a new rule has been set into the “terms and conditions” section in the user agreement. AOL now is taking the liberty to watch the chat room activity of the certain users. You know what that means? R. Kelly, if you going to go into “teen chat” rooms, in search of young girls to urinate on, AOL will know about it! This week it was announced that a “Lord Of The Rings” musical was in the works. This was a big surprise for anyone who thought the Lord of the Rings series couldn't get any gayer than it already is. Tina Fey: And now with a commentary regarding the new Star Wars movie, the Star Wars Diva. (Star Wars Diva has a speech impediment so her 's' = 'th') Star Wars Diva: You can juth call me ETH, W, D. Not to be confuthed with the Thtar Trek Diva, whose initials are ETH, T, D. Hah hah hah. (pointing into the camera unable to do the Vulcan hand thing)Live long and prothper in a tharlac pit, bitch. Tina Fey: Whoa, settle down there. I thought you were going to talk about the upcoming installment in the Star Wars series. Star Wars Diva: Okay, thorry. It’s just that I’m tho pithed. Very pithed in fact. Thombody needs to thtop George Lucath. He ith making a mockery of the entire Thtar Warth franchithe. (holding up a picture of Darth Tater)Look at thith! Ith Darth Vader as a potato! (spelling it out)W-T-F people? W-T-F? Darth Vader is to be feared and ultimately rethpected for the thacrifice he made upon redeeming himthelf and rethtoring balanth to the forth. And even more dithturbing than thith, ith George Lucatheth comment that the new movie ith going to be like the Titanic! He thaid to leave your lighthaberth at home but bring your tithues? W-T-F? What, Anakin and Padme are going to go for a cruithe on an emperial Thtar Dethtroyer and accidentally hit a black hole or thomthing? Ith it going to be acthented by thome dumbath Theline Dion thong? Damn you George Lucath!!! (George Lucas enters) George Lucas: (imitating Darth Vader)I find your lack of faith, disturbing. Star Wars Diva: Holy crap, ith George Lucath! George Lucas: I just wanted to assure you and all the fans that Stars Wars III will be great. In it’s own way. It’ll focus on relationships, feelings…important things like that. It’s a movie for everyone. Star Wars Diva: Thonofabitch, you’re going to thcrew thith one up too! First Jar Jar Binkth, then you pick some thtupid guy to play Darth Vader and focuth way too much on hith emothional attachment to that thlut Natalie Portman! I’ve been waiting nearly thirty yearth for this movie and you’ve thcrewed it up! George Lucas: Whoa, control yourself. Star Wars Diva: I’ve been practithing this for nearly thirty yearth too. (she makes choking motion with her hand a la Darth Vader. George Lucas looks like he’s being choked by the non-contact move) Star Wars Diva: Ith working! The forth is thtrong in thith one! George Lucas: (laughing) Nah, I was just playing along. Star Wars Diva: Aww, thyucks. George Lucas: (taking out a Darth Tater and being obnoxiously infantile)How about a free Darth Tater? Star Wars Diva: Thcrew you Lucath. George Lucas: (singing and making Darth Tater dance)It’s my movie and I can do what I want, yes I can, koosh koosh koosh. (pointing into the camera)Surprise, it’s a musical! Star Wars Diva: Oh thit. Tina Fey: The Star Wars Diva and George Lucas everyone. Amy Poehler: A recent study of vampire bats found that they are capable of sprinting on a treadmill. Researchers found they would run even faster if the treadmill had a cupholder installed for their convenience. Tina Fey: This week in China officials met to discuss possible solutions to the rising red ant problem in the country. While this has been a major inconvenience to the Chinese people the Orkin man has been having "cash orgies". 
Amy Poehler: A German supermarket chain has started trying out a new fingerprint ID system so customers can pay for their order quicker. Also the cash registers are now all run by HAL. Tina Fey: Nokia has made plans to add 3 new phones in order to increase its share in the US market. This brings Nokia's cell phone count to 5 million and 3. Amy Poehler: This week Milwaukee hosted their annual Olympics of Cheese proving once again that Milwaukee needs to get out more. Tina Fey: In Idaho this week scientists have found a new species of fairy shrimp. The shrimp say the name is misbelieving because they're all man. Amy Poehler: A municipal office building in Buffalo, New York is now requiring its employees to bring their own toilet paper to work. The person most affected most by this? Diarrhea Dan. Tina Fey: Known for it's long-standing opposition to whaling, logging, strip mining, genetically modified food, nuclear power, the chemical industry, wars, corporations, politics and weapons, the activist group Greenpeace today announced that as of 12:01 this morning it will just oppose everything. As a result, the organization will no longer be sending out action alerts calling for opposition to specific issues but will instead issue daily alerts to all members that reads "No" in 37 different languages. And here now with a report on the abolishment of religious ties to America is government marketing analyst Gil Treacle. Gil Treacle: Thank you, Tina. Well, I am here to address you, America on why we need to stop severing ties with God. With the Ten Commandments abolishment from government buildings in the works and the one nation under God being ruled against, it's like we're turning our back on the Big Man. Now, this a mistake and I say that not as a Republican but as a marketing analyst. Over the years, the U.S. under God has been a great draw for the major players - Einstein, Solzhenitsyn, John Lennon but without God's brand recognition and infinite marketing powers, you risk losing the marquee names to competitors. Then the networks don't renew, the money dries up, the fans revolt and the next thing you know, you're Argentina. So who's going to be God's replacement, people? The U.S. Justice Department is having a hell of a time with that one but they have received some offers by various entities for example, [holds up a poster with the statement on it] "One nation, but 24, 000 Starbucks". Come on people, do we really want to become the world's media whore? Luckily, the agreement hasn't been reached yet and until then we will advertise as "One nation, (sponsorship opportunities available)". We cannot turn our back on the Man who built this country of ours. Now, I know the words "under God" were only added to the Pledge of Allegiance by Congress in 1954, but God has been the title patron of the United States since its founding in 1776 and God adorns everything here from the currency to the phrase "So help me God" used to swear in the President and we're going to leave him now? [McDonald's CEO Jack Greenberg enters] Jack Greenberg: Hey, that's not fair, it's wrong to force religion on anyone. The Ten Commandments at government buildings and "under God" in the Pledge clearly violate the separation of church and state. However, there is nothing in the Constitution that separates chicken and state which is why I'm proposing, "One nation, six chicken McNuggets and a medium Coke, all for $1.99." Amy Poehler: That's stupid. Get out of here you corporate bloodsucker. [exits] Tina Fey: Yeah, you know many people feel that we can get along just fine without a primary sponsor. Maybe the Pledge and the monuments should be updated to reflect the national condition. Gil Treacle: No go. A recent CNN/Gallup poll found only ten percent of Americans would feel comfortable saying "One nation, under indictment." Tina Fey: Oh... [British Prime Minister Tony Blair enters] Tony Blair: Wait a second, I don't understand. I always thought you guys were "one nation, we are God"? Gil Treacle: Nope. Tina Fey: No. Amy Poehler: Sorry. Tony Blair: Oh my, I've been worshipping you all for nothing, dear, dear. [exits] Gil Treacle: Look, the point is God, in various forms, currently supports most nations, with the exception of the officially athiest China and Vietnam, and the Netherlands which hasn't been told yet but is in for a nasty shock tomorrow and to lose him would be a great hindrance to our nation. Tina Fey: Gil Treacle, everybody! Amy Poehler: It has been widely rumored that a famous celebrity, one who is known to be gay within the Hollywood community, will be appearing on the cover of "The Advocate" for its May issue. We here at Weekend Update don't want to ruin the surprise, but let's just say that after the issue comes out, men will finally be able to have-a-the Mango! [GRAPHIC of Chris Kattan on the cover of "The Advocate"] For Weekend Update, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow! [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
