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Angela... Cameron Diaz Customer... Chris Parnell Sir Percival... Will Forte Dwayne... Kenan Thompson (Open on a generic cell-phone store, the kind you find in practically every mall. Various phones are found in display cases along the wall, flanked by posters advertising the numerous calling plans. The word "AmeriCall" is spelled out in red, white and blue plastic letters on the wall behind the counter. The service clerk, Angela, stands behind the counter wearing a red, white and blue-striped company vest. She is addressing a man who's signing a contract.) Angela: Thank you very much, sir. (Takes the contract and feeds it into a scanner.) Now, you'll get the first month of service free, and one thousand minutes every month for only ten dollars per month. Plus, nights and weekends are free. Customer: I appreciate it greatly, madam. Thank you very much. Angela: (smiling) You're welcome sir. And thank you for joining the AmeriCall family. (Gives him his cell phone) Have a good day. Customer: You too. (He dials a number on his cell phone and starts chuckling giddily as he walks away) Hey Barry. Yeah, it's me, just got the phone. So, can you hear me now? (giggles) Good. Ha ha! I always wanted to do that... (walks off screen) Angela: Ah, I never get tired of seeing yokels take pleasure out of doing that clichéd catchphrase. (Angela starts humming happily to herself as she organizes the counter. She becomes surprised, however, when she hears the sound of clanking metal approaching. Looking up, she sees a knight in a suit of armor walking up to the counter. The knight wears a leather pouch around his waist and holds a cell phone in his metal glove. He stops in front of the counter, facing to the right rather than facing her.) Angela: (confused) Uh, can I help you sir? (she taps on his shoulder. The knight jumps to attention) Sir Percival: (startled, in a slightly geeky British accent) What ho? (his voice lowers) Oh, yes, ha ha. (he turns so that he is facing Angela, then lifts up his visor) Terribly sorry about that, m'lady. I will have to assign the smithy to carve the vision slots deeper. I imagine I'd be quite victorious in battle if I could actually see my adversaries. Angela: (still confused) Okay. So, what can I help you with? Sir Percival: (proudly) Mine name is Sir Percival, finest warrior in the king's army! And I require your assistance, fair... I do not believe I have your name. Angela: I'm Angela. Sir Percival: I require your assistance, fair Angela, in preparing for the king's most recent military campaign. (he puts his cell phone down on the counter) These "cellular phones" your shop displays will provide our army with a great advantage against our adversaries, the dark knights of Helzburg. If mine fellow soldiers are able to communicate our plans over great distances, then victory is assured! (he waves his hand in a stereotypical gay fashion) And they come in some of the most darling colors I've ever seen. Angela: (perplexed) All... right then. Well, the phone costs twenty-nine ninety-five, and we have a variety of plans at varying costs, though all carry a nights and weekends free clause... (Sir Percival holds his hand up in front of her face to stop her from talking) Sir Percival: Tut tut. Speak no more, m'lady, for it would appear as though thou art attempting to deceive me. Angela: Deceive you? I don't understand, sir. Sir Percival: Thou hast attempted to wrongfully attain money from my person for a product which should not cost one single pence! Angela: Sir, we have to charge all of our customers for our phones and services. We make no exceptions. Sir Percival: Nay my dear, you are trying to beguile me once again. You claim that all of your patrons must pay, yet mere moments ago you declared that nights and weekends are free. And, as you can clearly see (waves his arm down his chest), I belong to the former. Therefore, your policy leaves me exempt from payment. (Angela looks at Sir Percival oddly, trying to comprehend his bizarre logic. She rolls her eyes and addresses him) Angela: Sir, I'm afraid you're making a bit of a spelling error. Our service plans offer "nights" free, with an "N." Sir Percival: (proudly, his hand over his chest) Which is exactly what I am! Angela: (getting a little frustrated) No, sir. You would be a "knight." That starts with a "K." Sir Percival: (loudly) Be you mad, madam? Dare you to insinuate that I do not know how to properly spell my own title? I am not a "kuh-night!" (Angela slaps her head in frustration) Angela: (struggling to remain polite) Forgive me for questioning your intellect, sir. Still, I am sorry to say that you are not the "night" our service plans refer to. You will have to pay for this phone. Sir Percival: (sighs) Very well, then. I would not normally allow a mere merchant to abuse me such, but my men and I are accustomed to having fair damsels sucking away at my riches. Nevertheless, I shall properly compensate you for this majestic device! (he reaches into the pouch around his waist and places what appears to be a glowing jewel on the counter) This should be adequate payment, m'lady! 'Tis a priceless ruby I obtained from an expedition into the sacred temples of Kalvar. Long admired by that ancient tribe for eons, it would be a fine adornment for a beauty such as yourself. (Angela holds the "ruby" up to the light, rubs it with her fingers, and drops it back down on the counter) Angela: (droll) That's the candy from a strawberry Ring Pop. (she sighs) Sir, unless you have the proper monetary amount, I cannot legally sell you this phone or sign you up for an AmeriCall plan. I'm sorry, but that's our company's official policy. (Sir Percival points at Angela menacingly.) Sir Percival: (with a stern, pirate voice) Arr! Now see here, lassie! I be tired of these games! Ye'd best let me leave with this thar cellular phone, else I'll have ye walk the plank, ye aggravatin' wench! Angela: (droll) Okay... why do you sound like a pirate now? Sir Percival: (back to his original voice) Oh, terribly sorry, m'lady. I do tend to get rather disoriented from time to time. Went into too many battles without mine helmet. (Rubs the top of his helmet) Those maces deliver quite a whallop. But I must have this cellular device if my forces are to be victorious. (he clenches his fists) We want to rightly sodomize those Helzburg wretches! Angela: Look, I can understand how badly you want to beat them in battle... Sir Percival: Beat them in battle... (he rubs his head, then chuckles nervously) Oh, yes, yes, that as well. Angela: (exasperated) Whatever, I don't care anymore. If you can't pay, you're not getting this phone. (Sir Percival stands aloof for a few seconds, scratching his chin plate in contemplation) Sir Percival: (inquisitive) Do you take personal checks? Angela: Only if you have proof of identification. Sir Percival: I have my family crest proudly emblazoned on my body. Will that suffice? Angela: Yeah, fine. Sir Percival: Very good, then. Just let me get it ready for your viewing... (Sir Percival turns around so that his backside is facing Angela, then starts attempting to remove the armor plating around his buttocks. Angela looks on in shock and starts shouting at him, stopping him from continuing.) Angela: (angrily) Are you crazy?! (She slams her hand on the counter top) That's it, get out! We don't need lunatics like you in this store! Sir Percival: (dejected) I understand, m'lady. I shall trouble you no more and leave you to your machinations. May God watch over you, and may you someday be imprisoned by a syphilitic dragon. Good day, madam. (Sir Percival walks off screen, the sounds of clanking metal accompanying him as he walks. Angela sighs in frustration at the difficult time she had. Seconds later, an African-American man approaches the counter with a cell phone. He looks off in the direction Sir Percival just left in, then turns to Angela in confusion.) Oscar: Forgive me for being nosy, but I have to ask; what was that all about? Angela: Trust me, you don't want to know. Just be aware that there are a LOT of freaky people in this world. (sighs again) I'll try to put that behind me. Can I help you, sir? Oscar: Oh, yes. (he puts his phone down on the counter) I'm interested in signing up for your "Country Call" program. I've got a lot of relatives spread across the states, and it's important that I keep in touch with all of them. Angela: Not a problem, sir. That's one of our fastest growing service programs, and I must say that you made a superb choice. Oscar: Well, thank you. You are a very kind woman. Now, I understand that all of your programs have a "nights and weekends free" policy. Angela: (cautiously) Yes, they do. Why do you ask? Oscar: Oh, no reason. I was just wondering if this would affect the terms of the policy. (he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his driver's license, which he hands to Angela) My full name's on the license. (Angela stares at the license, then looks up at Oscar, her eyes narrowing) Angela: (trying to hold back her frustration) Your name is "Oscar Wikend"? Oscar: Yes it is. Now, I know that it's spelled differently, but the pronunciations are practically the same, so I was thinking that... Angela: (loud and enraged) OUT! (Oscar turns around and runs away in fright. Angela groans angrily and slams her hand on the counter) (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
