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...Cameron Diaz ...Chris Parnell ...Horatio Sanz Don Pardo (VO): Ladies and gentlemen, Cameron Diaz! [Cameron Diaz comes out of the door and stands at homebase. The audience applauds while the theme song ends.] Cameron Diaz: (shouting happily) Thank you! Woo! [The audience finishes applauding] Cameron Diaz: (excitedly) Thanks! I cannot believe that this is my third time hosting this show! Can you believe it? Wooo! It's incredible! Yeah! (calming down) But you know, it's been weird hanging out and working with some of the cast. They're usually very friendly, but Chris and Horatio have barely said a word to me all week! Guys, get up here! Let's figure this out! [Chris Parnell and Horatio Sanz join Cameron Diaz onstage] Cameron Diaz: (defensively) What's going on, guys? You don't want me hosting the show for a third time? You'd rather have some bimbo like Paris Hilton or Barry Manilow? Chris Parnell: (apologetically) Oh, no, we're sorry, Cameron. It's just that we've been very nervous with you being around all week. After all, you were our "first," and everyone tends to get nervous around their "first." Cameron Diaz: (confused) Your "first"? How was I your "first"? I didn't do anything with either of you guys! If anything, I was probably Colin Quinn's "first" from the way he cried afterwards. (rolls her eyes) Chris Parnell: Oh, no, we don't mean sexually. (laughs) Horatio Sanz: (laughing) Yeah, you were the host of our first show back in '98. Cameron Diaz: (understanding) Oh, I get it! Wow, I'm so honored that I was your guys' "first." Chris Parnell: Well, technically you were my first "first." But out of my two "firsts," you were definitely the best. Cameron Diaz: (confused) Wait, how do you have two "firsts?" That doesn't make sense. Horatio Sanz: Lorne fired him because he thought the show could survive without having anyone with any actual talent. He was right, but he rehired Chris anyway six months later. Cameron Diaz: Oh, I didn't know that. Chris Parnell: Yeah, most people didn't even notice that I was gone. That sure was a boost to my self-esteem. (awkward pause) But anyway, as Horatio said, Lorne brought me back and good old Jonny Moseley became my second "first." Cameron Diaz: (thinking) Moseley...Isn't he the guy who hosts game shows on MTV? Chris Parnell: Yep. The one and only. (sighing lustfully) Jonny Moseley... Horatio Sanz: Chris, you're doing it again. Chris Parnell: (snapping back to reality) Right, sorry. Anyway, the great Christopher Walken was my first "last." I still remember the day they fired me. We had just finished up that hilarious centaur sketch and then they sprung the news. Let's just say that there were two people in the room who felt like a horse's ass. Right, Horatio? Horatio Sanz: Yeah, dude. To be honest, I was glad that you got fired since I didn't want that centaur character to become recurring. Being the butt part of that suit wasn't fun. Chris Parnell: (angrily) I knew it! You were never happy being up my ass! [Chris Parnell and Horatio Sanz start shoving each other, but Cameron Diaz gets in between them.] Cameron Diaz: (shouting) Okay, guys, that's enough! We should probably start the show! Chris Parnell: (calming down) Yeah, you're right, Cameron. But, before I forget, you should be proud to know that you also hold the distinction of being the first host we spied on through the dressing room peephole. Cameron Diaz: (confused) Wait, what did you just say? Horatio Sanz: Oh, nothing. Don't worry about it. Anyway, we've got to go change for the first sketch. Have a great show! [Chris Parnell and Horatio Sanz quickly run offstage] Cameron Diaz: (whispering to the audience) I'll have to break it to them later that they were actually spying on Chris Kattan. (shouting) Anyway, we've got a great show for you tonight, Green Day is here! And, this is actually going to be a first for me as well since it's the first time I'm hosting the show sober! So, stick around, we'll be right back! Woo! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
