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.....Don Pardo Announcer.....Darrell Hammond Brian Williams.....Seth Meyers Pope John Paul II.....Chris Parnell (Fade in) Don Pardo (voice): Saturday Night Live will be delayed so we may bring you the following breaking news story from NBC News. Announcer: Now in New York, Brian Williams. Brian Williams: Good evening, I’m Brian Williams. With the earth-shattering passing of The Pope, John Paul II, last weekend, many have wondered about the meaning of life and so on. The Pope was notably a popular figure of opinion during his reign as Pope. It was not until just 2 hours ago, that NBC News received a video feed from Heaven. Our experts have cleared the tape and we can officially say that the tape is indeed The Pope speaking broken English with an Italian accent. NBC News will now air this tape. (Cut to video of Pope John Paul II, speaking in heaven) Pope John Paul II: Hello America. This is the Pope…I guess I am the late Pope. I am here in Heaven. I needed to speak to America because I have been paying a lot of attention to your society…biting my tongue with my opinions. America, I appreciate your sympathy, but guess what it doesn’t matter. Stop your sympathy! Please, America give your sympathy to someone who needs it. Here on some suggestions… Steve Corell – the star of the new NBC sitcom “The Office”. In my opinion, Steve Corell is a very brilliant comic, very funny on “The Daily Show”. Steve works well on “The Daily Show” and not on a big network sitcom! NBC, what are you doing? I liked “The Office” the first time when it was called “The Office” on the BBC. Hey NBC, remember when you fucked up that “Coupling” thing? Yeah, same thing! And remember when you had “Cheers” and “Seinfeld” and “Friends” and you were one of the top three? Yeah, those were good times! But they are gone now! What have you got left? A show about “fags” and Donald Trump saying “You’re Fired!” The novelty has worn off! Give sympathy to “Britney Spears & Justin Federline”. These crazy kids! I swear, something is wrong with these two. I’m just glad I died before their reality-show hit the airwaves. America, you will see that Justin doesn’t like to shower and that he’s a “stink finger”. You will also see how very bitchy Britney Spears is and that she thinks she’s “fly and ghetto”. Give sympathy to “Jennifer Lopez”. Jennifer Lopez’s new album is pretty weak. But I’m telling you Jennifer Lopez has a great ass! I use to watch MTV at the Vatican with the sound off. Jennifer Lopez needs some sympathy. She needs to quit doing so much. Stop acting, stop singing…just stop. Someone in America give her the message from The Pope. Sympathy to President of the United States, George W. Bush. First off, this guy was kissing my ass all week. I really don’t care what that guy thinks of me because; this guy has killed more guys than he’s laid women. I think that guy needs to reconfigure that ratio, for the good of mankind. Secondly and more importantly, America needs to offer some sympathy to this guy because every time I see this guy talking to the American people or making any kind of speech in front of people, he makes these stupid jokes that only he finds humor in. Bush is starting to remind me of that “Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire?” dude, Rick Rockwell. Remember him? Laughing at his own jokes only works if everyone else is laughing, too. Schmuck! And finally tonight, I still can’t believe North Carolina won the NCAA tournament! Sympathy to Illinois! They need it. Good night, god bless and “live from New York, its Saturday Night!” Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
