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Announcer.....Chris Parnell .....Lorne Michaels Michael Richards.....Seth Meyers .....Mark Mckinney (cameo) (Open with a black screen) Announcer: Next week will feature something so daring you cannot afford to miss it. Sit back and grab your loved one. Or, if you don’t have one, you can grab yourself. Hehehe, you 40 year old nerds touch yourselves so much it chafes. Anyways, get ready for a contest of godly proportions. It’s a race of intelligence and beauty. Hold your breath as you watch the contest to see who will host the Season Finale of SNL! (Camera fades to the next scene. Opens with Lorne on Home base as the crowd cheers.) Lorne: You’ve watched as ten people fought for the chance to host the season finale. We’ve seen people like Mario Lopez and Ross Perot get eliminated. We’ve narrowed it down to the final two. Please welcome the finalists! (Michael Richards and Mark Mckinney step onto the stage.) Lorne: Mark Mckinney was famous during seasons 20-22 of this fine program. The man gave us laughs with characters like Fagan guy #2, Normal guy #3, and Bill Brasky buddy #4! A man with these talents along with an uncanny Steve Forbes impression has not hosted. Plus he’s Canadian and I can’t sleep at night knowing I’ve wronged a Canadian! Lorne: Mr. Michael Richards was famous for his role on the sketch show Fridays. Ah, and I can’t forget his world famous role (a beat). In Weird Al’s movie UHF. Michael: I, I have another role. Lorne: But of course, to SNL fans he will simply be known as... the motel clerk from Coneheads! Michael Richards: You you, don’t understand, I live off those promos and DVD sales. Kramer is what keeps me in an apartment and off of Celebrity Poker! Hey, I’m Cosmo Kramer! Lorne: That’s great. Now Mark, would you tell the audience why you will win the competition! (Mark starts grunt and growl, acting like an animal) Mark Mckinney: (growls) I eat raw undercooked pieces of pig fat. I take baths in piles of sawdust. And I constantly poke my ass cheeks with rusty nails. Lorne: The final competition is a real tough one. There are three choices: rock-climbing, bowling with lasers, or the board game Battle-Ship. We shall decide by asking the audience. (Camera pans to the audience. They shout rock climbing or bowling, but no one shouts Battle-Ship.) Lorne: (smiles) Battle-Ship it is then! (Carmina Burana pots up. The scene goes into slow motion: the screen transitions to Lorne setting the game on the ground. Then transitions into Mark and Michael in the middle of playing the game.) Mark Mckinney: (In slow motion, he speaks) B-4 (Still in slow motion, Michael Richards smacks himself. Then transition to Lorne laughing heartily in a low voice. Then cut to a black screen. The music starts to escalate, becoming faster and becoming more climactic. As the announcer asks the questions, they shoot out at the screen) Announcer: Who will sink the battleship? Announcer: Will there even be any comedy or will shameless cliché drama rule SNL? Find out the answers to these questions as well as the rest in an anti-climatic way, next week! (The music settles fade to Homebase. Lorne runs wildly across the stage in slow-motion) Lorne: NNNNOOOOO!!!!! (Lorne trips and falls flat on his face. Cut to the black screen) Announcer: (Says it with real intensity) Saturday Night Live, only on NBC! (Monotone voice) With shortened reruns on the E channel. (End) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
