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.....Tina Fey .....Amy Poehler Al Gore.....Darrell Hammond Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. President Bush this week mourned the death of The Pope. Bush said, “The Pope was a fine individual, the best in the world, he will be missed. Oh, by the way, North Korea still has nukes!” Proving that Prince Charles can never catch a break, his wedding to Camilla Parker-Bowles had to be postponed until today so that he could attend the Pope's funeral yesterday, countering speculation that the future King was experiencing cold ears. Amy Poehler: Yesterday's funeral for the Pope was a beautiful ceremony. The Pope, of course, was buried in three caskets - just to make sure he doesn't get out. Although any unmarried Catholic male can become the new pope, Vatican officials have their eyes on several different ordained Cardinals. The hands-on favorite so far? Third baseman Scott Rolen. Tina Fey: Popular golfer Tiger Woods signed a deal with the Apple computer company to become an official spokesperson for them. Woods later admitted, “I guess I’m the first Asian employee of Apple’s that doesn’t know much about computers…but hey, what are you going to do?” It was announced this week that the “Suicide Prevention Hotline” would be going out of business, after losing its public funding. A spokesperson for the hotline said, “We started this thing to make a killing, and that is just not what has happened here!” Amy Poehler: “American Idol” contestant Scott Savol, who was arrested before his “American Idol” days, will not be ousted from the competition. A spokesperson for the show said, “These are the people that we need on this show. Last year, a woman, who was already the mother of one, won the show. Next season, we are hoping a convicted rapist makes the finals! We are on FOX…and you know what, it shows!” Elton John said in an interview this week that he thinks rapper Eminem is a “Jimi Hendrix” for this generation. Asked to explain, John said, “What I mean is, I loved Jimi Hendrix and I love Eminem, but neither of them will let me have sex with them!” Tina Fey: President Bush has nominated Dick Cheney’s son-in-law to be the general counsel of the Department of Homeland Security. President Bush then spent the next 5 minutes trying to make a joke about the “nepotism” of the nomination. Sesame Street announced this week that they have fired “The Cookie Monster” citing the fact that the children-friendly character has been eating more than his share at the craft services table, even after repeated warnings. Attempting to defend himself, “The Cookie Monster” said, “Coookkkieee!” Amy Poehler: Famed Defense Attorney Johnnie Cochran died this past week. Asked to comment, Johnnie Cochran’s estate said, “Outrageous!” The Mrs. Wheelchair America Pageant hit a snag this week when it was discovered that the auditorium holding the pageant did not have any handicap ramps. Sad world we live in! Tina Fey: An English study shows that memory loss can be prevented by having sex, doing crossword puzzles and taking a daily jog. Now if only people dealing with memory loss could remember to do those things, the world would be a better place. The Wiggles, a popular group of children’s entertainers, were listed as the wealthiest celebrities in Australia, this week. In a related story, Baby-Bop is pregnant with Barney’s dino-baby. Amy Poehler: And now here with a message is the former Vice President of the United States, Al Gore. Al Gore: Thank you, Amy. That's very kind of you. America, I just wanted to come on Update tonight and promote my new "network for the young viewers of America". It's a fine network for the young people to watch, because I think television is polluted with programming that is just in bad taste and should be rightfully taken off the air. America, there is a problem with our nation, a very bad problem. Television is the only thing we have to look forward to. "Fear Factor" is a bad show, I believe. I know Joe Rogan, personally, and not to pass judgement on Mr. Rogan, but "Fear Factor" does not have a godly purpose! Another show that I think is rather weak, but means well, is this show, "Saturday Night Live". Ever since Will Ferrell left, the show has be missing something. And then, that queer-bomb Kattan left, and the pot-smoking black guy Tracy Morgan left...and then of course Jimmy "giggles" Fallon left. This show is falling faster than one of Tara Reid's bra straps. One guy who should leave the show is Darrell Hammond. He is a funny guy and I think he will do fine on another show. In fact, I heard he got a development deal with ABC, a very classy network. So, to sum up, watch my "Young Viewer Friendly" network, because it's the only network worth watching! I'm Al Gore. Good night! Amy Poehler: Al Gore, ladies and gentlemen! Tina Fey: In London this week a major erotic sex festival was cancelled due to lack of interest, the headliner of this festival, Horatio Sanz. Amy Poehler: This week it was announced that people in Kansas would vote on a proposition that would ban gay marriage. You would think with their history in film they would be a bit more open minded. Tina Fey: In a recent health study it was found that teens who eat Zinc fortified foods have a better chance of performing in school. Also what was found to work, numerous slaps to the back of the head. Amy Poehler: Japanese authorities this week are trying to boost the morale among its prison population by giving the prisoners more comfortable bedding and clothing. Also to lighten the seriousness of being in a Japanese prison, becoming someone's bitch will now be known as being Godzilla'd. Tina Fey: Recently scientists have genetically modified fruit flies to jump or beat their wings when lasers are flashed at them. When asked why they did this, the scientists replied "First we rule the fruit flies, and then the world HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!" Amy Poehler: According to the most recent health studies, a woman who has many children is less likely to have allergies. Finally, there is a bright side for Catholic women who don't know the meaning of "birth control". Tina Fey: This week in Colombia it was announced that a comic book entitled "Popeman" which will be a superhero comic starring the recently deceased pope. Many people have criticized this comic that is until they heard of the next SNL based movie "It's Pat 2." Amy Poehler: In Indiana this week a man who tried to pay his brother's bond at a police station was arrested after officers smelled the money they gave them and found the man to be in possession of marijuana. It didn't help the man's defense when he tried to pay his brother's bond with monopoly money. For Weekend Update, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow! [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
