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Perseus...Rob Riggle Theseus...Horatio Sanz Harry...Tom Brady Doris...Amy Poehler (cut to three men in robes/togas in small home talking; two of them colsseum directors while one man/friend is normal guy) Perseus: Well, wasn't that a great chariot race yesterday. I can't stop thinking about it, Theseus. Theseus: Oh yes, it was quite exciting, Perseus. What did you think about it, Harry? Harry: It was great stuff, it really was. But.... Perseus: But what? Harry: Well, it was a little bit gruesome. Theseus: Of course it was, that is the fun of it. In fact, it's downright spectacular when both opponents are killed. Perseus: Yes. And what exactly would you do to change it? Harry: I wouldn't change it, I would get rid of it. (men argue amongst themselves) Harry: Now, hold on one minute. We don't need to have two men, who are also sometimes friends, fight to the death. It's so 1200 B.C. And not to mention the brutality. Theseus: I guess you're right. Well, we'll still have the lion-fights, right. Harry: Actually, no. Perseus: What do you mean, no? Those are great. Harry: Again, a little violent. Can't we have something that doesn't involve killing someone? (two others shake their heads no) Harry: Okay. What if there was a prize, instead of death, the winner gets a prize such as a cash reward or a woman? Perseus: That sounds interesting. Tell us more. Harry: Instead of using prisoners, we could have ordinary people play these games. What do you think? Theseus: I don't think having ordinary people killed would be a good idea. Prisoners should die. Harry: Again, there would be no killing. Theseus: What about maiming or breaking bones? Harry: Well, we'll start slow in that direction. Now, let's think of some normal activities that these people could play. Perseus: One question before we begin: We can't talk the lions or tigers out of anything. I mean, if it wants to kill, it will. Harry: We don't need the tiger. Theseus: Now you're just talking crazy. (Doris comes in with drinks) Harry: Thank you, Doris. Doris, tell everyone one of your ideas for this. Doris: Alright. I thought that you could have two men duke it out until one of the men pins the others' shoulders to the mat. It could be called rustling. Theseus: What's the point? Doris: Uh...it could be used as strength training and endurance. Perseus: But where's the suspense? And the tiger? (Doris exits) Harry: Enough with the tiger. Now, I thought of a sport in which teams of ten or more toss an object to-and-fro to each other. One will play offense, while the other plays defense. Theseus: Go on. Harry: At each end will be the drop spots to where you can run the object to. I will come up with more rules later. Perseus: The object that you speak of, could it be a human head? Theseus: Or a freshly ripped heart? Harry: Since the football hasn't been invented yet, I was thinking a hand-woven oval-shaped item. Theseus: This is very strange. When a team wins, what do they get? Harry: (contemplating) They could not go to jail. Perseus: Well, our jails are getting overcrowded, what with all the sins that a person can do. We'll think about it, Harry. Theseus: Yeah, we'll think about it. (caption: THE FOLLOWING DAY) (shot of Harry in the pit of the Colosseum) Harry: Oh please, I was only kidding about the new sports. No new sports, this is alright. Omigod! (tiger attacks Harry and starts mauling him, Harry's head is flung into the crowd right into Theseus's arms) Theseus: Ah, nothing like a classic match of man vs. beast, uh? Hey, Perseus, catch! (Perseus catches ball and spikes it to the ground) Perseus: Hey, no more listening to ridiculous ideas from commoners. They have no idea what they're talking about. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
