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Cardinal John.....Chris Parnell Cardinal Carl.....Will Forte Cardinal Donald.....Tom Brady (The scene opens with 2 elderly priests sitting at each end of a table. There is another younger priest, Cardinal John, sitting in the middle of the table.) Cardinal John: Cardinal Donald, Cardinal Carl, I'd like to thank you both for your patience in this particular situation. Cardinal Carl: Of course. Cardinal Donald: I completely understand. Cardinal John: Well after many meetings and a look into our souls, I am afraid that we were still unable to come to a decision between the two of you for pope, as you are both very qualified for this important position. Cardinal Carl: Well that is indeed troubling. Cardinal Donald: Yes it is, Cardinal Carl. Cardinal Carl: May I assume that the selection of the next pope will go by the rules as written in Catholic Law? Cardinal John: Yes Cardinal Carl, that is what we will have to do. Cardinal Donald: How much longer until it takes place? Cardinal John: It will be 2 days, Cardinal John, Cardinal Carl, you may go in peace and may God be with you. (Both Cardinal Carl and Cardinal Donald leave the room and return to their homes.) [ TITLE CARD: 2 DAYS LATER ] (The scene picks back up with all three cardinals in the same room as before.) Cardinal John: You both know what is necessary for the selection of the next pope? Cardinal Carl: I do. Cardinal Donald: I do. Cardinal John: Very well then we shall begin NOW! (Cardinal Carl and Cardinal Donald ball up their right fist and begin smacking them down on their left palm. They do this three times and then stop.) Cardinal John: Okay Cardinal Carl and Cardinal Donald it appears that you have both ended up with rock, so we will have to play another round of rock scissors paper and GO! (Cardinal Carl and Cardinal Donald play again to end up with the same thing, rock.) Cardinal John: Cardinal Carl, Cardinal Donald, you do know you can do paper or scissors as well. Cardinal Donald: I can't. Cardinal John: I am sorry? Cardinal Donald: I can't open my hand that fast. I have severe arthritis. Cardinal Carl: Same here. Cardinal John: I see, well that's okay, that's okay, I am sure there is a backup plan when this doesn't work, I'll be back in a little bit. (Cardinal John leaves the room.) [ TITLE CARD: 1 HOUR LATER ] (The scene begins again with Cardinal Donald and Cardinal Carl throwing red dodge balls at one another, they both miss.) Cardinal Carl: I told you this wouldn't work, we both have arthritis. Cardinal John: Okay, okay let me see what else I can do. (Cardinal John leaves the room again.) [ TITLE CARD: 1 HOUR LATER ] (The scene begins again in the same room with Cardinal John reading a card to both Cardinal Donald and Cardinal Carl.) Cardinal John: All right here is the next riddle: "When is a door, not a door?" Cardinal Carl: What does that mean, a door is a door! Cardinal Donald: Wait, was the door blessed by the pope? Cardinal Carl: Yes, was it a blessed door? (Cardinal John sits there and begins to bury his face into his hands. He then gets up and leaves the room once more.) [ TITLE CARD: 4 HOURS LATER ] (Cardinal John is sitting watching Cardinal Carl put a gun to his head. Cardinal Carl pulls the trigger.) Cardinal Carl: Well it looks like I am spared again. Your turn, Cardinal Donald. Cardinal John: Wait a second, you both have been playing Russian roulette for over three hours. One of you should be pope by now. Let me see that gun. Cardinal Carl: Here you are. (Cardinal Carl hands Cardinal John the gun.) Cardinal John: Oh great, I forgot to put bullets in the gun. (Cardinal Carl and Cardinal Donald raise their hands in disgust at Cardinal John's total lack of forethought.) [ TITLE CARD: 3 DAYS LATER ] (The scene begins once again in the same room with the same 3 Cardinals.) Cardinal John: Okay, that's it, I can't take it anymore. We tried playing Jenga, that didn't work. We tried playing Clue, that didn't work. We tried seeing who could solve the rubik's cube the fastest, that didn't work. Cardinal Donald: We can't move that thing around that much, we have -- Cardinal John: Arthritis, yeah I know old man ugh! This is what we are going to do, I am going to write down a number between 1 and 10, whichever one of you is closest is the new pope, okay? (Cardinal Donald and Cardinal Carl shake their heads in agreement.) Cardinal John: Okay, what number did you guess, Cardinal Carl? Cardinal Carl: 7. Cardinal John: And, Cardinal Donald? Cardinal Donald: 3. Cardinal John: Well the number was 8 gentlemen; so that means our new Pope will be Cardinal Carl. Cardinal Donald: Congratulations, Cardinal Carl. Cardinal Carl: Thank you, Cardinal Donald, if you don't mind I would like to speak with Cardinal John alone for a minute? Cardinal Donald: Of course, I'll be right outside. (Cardinal Donald leaves the room.) Cardinal John: So what was it that you wanted to ask me, Cardinal Carl? Cardinal Carl: Well it probably means nothing but I just wanted to make sure about something before I am to officially become a pope. Cardinal John: Of course, Cardinal Carl, that's what I am here for, what do you need help with? Cardinal Carl: Well I just needed to know is it going to be a really big deal to everybody the fact that I am gay? (Cardinal John stares at Cardinal Carl for a moment in total disbelief and then becomes very angry.) Cardinal John: Dammit, Carl, get the hell out! Cardinal Carl: Does this mean I don't get to be pope? Cardinal John: Uh, yeah, now get out. Cardinal Carl: Okay, drama queen. (Cardinal Carl leaves the room with Cardinal John trying to figure out what to do next.) Cardinal John: Well back to the drawing board. END Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
