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Harvey Waggaman.....Will Forte Donut Cashier.....Fred Armisen IRS Agent.....Darrell Hammond Strongarm.....Rob Riggle [ open on interior, Krunchy Kreme Donuts, Cashier wiping the counter clean of donut powder ] [ suddenly, the very nervous and agitated Harvey Waggaman rushes into the building, clutching a thick stack of papers intended for the IRS ] Harvey Waggaman: Thank God almighty, I'm here at last! Salvation will be mine! Cashier: Welcome to Krunchy Kreme Donuts. How many donuts would you like this morning? Harvey Waggaman: [ confused ] Wha..? But, I.. No, this can't.. Cashier: Come on, come on, come on! I don't have all day! How many donuts? Harvey Waggaman: [ working up a sweat ] Is this 2309 Springfield Avenue? Cashier: Damn straight. How many donuts? Harvey Waggaman: [ panicking ] But this is supposed to be Jackson-Prewitt! I know I waited 'til the zero hour, but the government still allows you to file your taxes on Federal Income Tax Day! Cashier: Income Tax Day yesterday. April 15. Welcome to April 16. How many donuts? Harvey Waggaman: L-l-look, man, I g-g-got caught in traffic! I swear! If this a joke, I'm laughing on the inside, but I gotta get my taxes done, man! Cashier: You're a day late and a dollar short. Harvey Waggaman: No, don't tell me that.. Cashier: Jackson-Prewitt move out last night. How many donuts? [ Harvey throws his papers to the floor and drops to his knees with arms stretched to the ceiling ] Harvey Waggaman: Nooooooooooo!!!! Why have you forsaken me?!! Oh, God, what are they going to do to me? [ getting jumpy ] Should I hide in Canada, or Mexico? Which is closer? IRS Agent: Mr. Harvey Waggaman? Inspector Peters, Internal Revenue Service. According to our records, you failed to file your taxes this year, and, as it turns out, you're in the red to us to the tune of fifteen dollars. Tsk, tsk,tsk. You're going to have to come with us. Strongarm: You want me to take him into the back alley, slap him around a bit? IRS Agent: I told you, we're doing this "by the book." Right now, we're only on page two. Slapping the suspect around in a back alley doesn't come until page ten. Handcuff him, first. [ Strongarm wraps Harvey's arms around his back and 'cuffs him ] Harvey Waggaman: Wait. You mean, all I underpaid was fifteen dollars? Why.. that's not so much at all, is it? I have that in my wallet. May I? IRS Agent: Alright. [ Harvey fishes through his pockets for his wallet, but fails to produce ] Harvey Waggaman: Wait a minute, now.. where's the wallet? Oh, God! Did I leave the house with it?! Maybe it's outside in the car. IRS Agent: Hmm.. driving a motorized vehicle without a license, eh? It may be out of my jurisdiction, but I still have a responsibility to uphold the laws in this country. We're definitely going to have to take you in, Mr. Waggaman. Harvey Waggaman: [ meekly ] But.. I'm sure it's in my car. Strongarm: Maybe it's not his car. Maybe it's stolen! IRS Agent: Yeah, maybe. You're coming with us, Mr. Waggaman. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. [ a beat ] Still out of my jurisdiction, but I've always wanted to say that. Harvey Waggaman: Can I at least have a donut? Cashier: How many donuts? IRS Agent: Just the one, numbskull. Harvey Waggaman: Make it blueberry crunch. IRS Agent: Glazed vanilla - and make it quick! [ Cashier opens casing and removes a glazed vanilla donut. He wraps it in a napkin and hands it to the Strongarm, who holds it in front of Harvey's face. Harvey chews a single bite. ] IRS Agent: Is it good? Harvey Waggaman: Mmm.. very. IRS Agent: Alright, let's go. [ the Strongarm drops the donut to the floor and tugs on Harvey's arms ] Harvey Waggaman: No! No, wait! [ Harvey is dragged toward the door ] You didn't let me finish! You didn't let me finish! [ as he's yanked out of the door ] "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!!" Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
