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Jim…..Tom Brady Steve…..Chris Parnell Wanda…..Amy Poehler Hank…..Darrell Hammond Harvey…..Seth Meyers Mabel…..Rachel Dratch David…..Kenan Thompson Joe…..Rob Riggle Juanita…..Maya Rudolph ACLU Person 1…..Will Forte ACLU Person 2…..Tina Fey (A group of people huddled in the desert. The subtitle: "Tombstone, AZ, 5:30 PM." appears.) Jim: Okay, fellas. Night fast approaches, and that is the busy time. Hank: Yessiree. Jim: They can creep around, cloaked in darkness...the blackness of night... (Shot changes to a bunch of the other volunteers looking at David, an African-American volunteer. He notices.) David: What? Jim: (clears throat) Yeah, so, night is the rush hour. 'S cooler at night, too. So, stay awake. But remember that we have a "no contact" policy. So I don't want to hear about any fights; just shoot them and get the job done. Heh heh…just joshin'. Anyway. I presume y'all have flashlights…(The group, to demonstrate that they do indeed, all turn their flashlights on and shine them in his face.) (squinting) All right…very nice…turn them off dangnabbit! (they do so) Now I forget what I was gonna say. Wait, so, remember that your flashlights give off light, and therefore give your position away to the aliens. You may find one of them, but the rest of them will see the light and hide or something. Now. I'm going to give y'all walkie-talkies. Harvey: (overly enthusiastic) Cool!! Jim: (annoyed) Let's be serious, folks. Now, I'm going to give y'all code names… Harvey: But why can't we pick our own? Jim: Because I said so. By the way, yours is "Dingbat." Harvey: What?! Jim: Whoops, I meant "Dingo." That's your code name. (Turns to Steve) Yours is "Tango." Your wife is "Fandango." Steve: Yes sir. Jim: You're "Cunalingo." Mabel: (Camera shows a somewhat butch older woman) Say what? Jim: It's a river in Mexico. (Turns to David) And you're "Negro." David: Um, excuse me? Jim: Means "black" in Mexican. David: Oh. Right. Jim: Is that everybody? Hank: Except me. Jim: Okay, you're…um…"Pineapple." Mine is "Flamingo." All right then. Put some bug spray on, and then let's get this show on the road! Harvey: (enthusiastically) Yeehaw!! (Everyone looks disgusted) Hank: You're not helping our image. Everybody already thinks we're a bunch of rednecks. Jim: Tell you what, boys and gals…after a few daytime patrols, some of y'all will have red necks. Hank: It'll be worth it if we stop a few Mexicans. Wanda: Wait…Mexicans? What's this about Mexicans? David: Whaddya mean? The Mexicans we're looking out for. Steve: We're looking for Mexicans? Hank: A'course. Well, Mexicans and anybody else trying to cross the border illegally. Where do you think you are? Wanda: We're UFO watchers. We got lost on the way to a convention, but we figured we had landed in the right place when we heard this (points to Jim) guy talking about protecting America from the aliens. Hank: Oh, brother. Jim: I'm afraid there are not going to be any little green men in the desert tonight. The only aliens we will see are the Mexican kind. (Everyone chuckles and starts to disperse.) And bring a jacket! It can get mighty cold in the desert at night, believe it or not. Mabel: I have a few extra flannel shirts, if anybody wants them… (Shot changes to an open desert. Subtitle: "Tombstone, AZ, 6:30 PM." Harvey wanders onscreen, looking through binoculars. Of course, he isn't watching where he's going, and trips horribly over a tumbleweed. Quick fade, and then we are in the open desert again, with the subtitle: "Tombstone, AZ, 6:35 PM." Harvey no longer has his binoculars, and is just walking around. Suddenly he looks excited and pulls out his radio.) Harvey: Dingo to Tango, Dingo to Tango, do you copy? Steve: Sure. Harvey: I think I see one! He's like, right next to you, but I don't think you can see him. Steve: Really. Where is he? Harvey: Right by that cactus on your left. Steve: …Mm. That would be my wife. Harvey: Oh. Whoops, heh heh… (Quick fade. Subtitle: "Tombstone, AZ, 7:00 PM." Harvey is whistling the Lone Ranger theme, starting to look bored. Suddenly he pulls out his radio again.) Harvey: Dingo to Flamingo, Dingo to Flamingo, do you copy? Jim: I copy. What is it? Harvey: I think I see one! Jim: Okay. Where? Harvey: He's walking right by the fence, straight ahead of me. I bet I could shoot him from here… Jim: Don't! Harvey: You're right, I should get closer. Jim: Harvey-! (But Harvey has put his radio away and runs offscreen. We then see him stealthily sneak behind a bush.) Harvey: If I can just get him in my sights without him seeing…(he's trying to aim his rifle, when…) Voice: Hey! (Gunshot. Harvey ducks. When he comes back up we see a hole was shot in his cowboy hat.) Harvey: Shucks, these guys are sharper than I thought! (A man runs up. He is in uniform and clearly not a Mexican.) Joe: US Border Patrol…(sees Harvey) Who the hell are you? Harvey: Oh…you're the…well, I, uh…(we hear noise from his radio) Hank: Pineapple to Flamingo, do you copy? Joe: Oh, you must be one of those kooks from the Minuteman Project. (sarcastic) Thanks for the help, buddy. I thought you weren't supposed to shoot at anybody! (Jim runs up. Upon arrival, he manages to guess what happened.) Jim: Good evenin' to you, sir. Is everyone all right? Joe: Well, I darn near got this yahoo while he was about to take a shot at me. Jim: We're very sorry, it won't happen again. Joe: Better not. Jim: Harvey, I think maybe you'd be more helpful guarding our headquarters back at the ranch. (We see David and Hank on patrol. Subtitle: "Tombstone, AZ, 7:30 PM.") David: You know, uh…don't you think it would be better if we split up? Covered more area? Hank: That's a good idea, but I'm just gonna stick with you. Can't be too careful. David: All right. It's just, I feel kind of like I'm in a department store, and the salespeople start…(voices come from their radios. David and Hank listen and react.) Wanda: Fandango to Flamingo, do you copy? Jim: I copy. What's up? Wanda: Nothing's up, but we think a Mexican just passed us and went into headquarters! Jim: What?! How did he pass you? Wanda: Must have done it while we were searching the skies… Jim: (chagrined) All right, I'll be there as soon as possible. (We see a door from the inside. Subtitle: "Tombstone, AZ, 8:00 PM." Jim and the other volunteers [except for Harvey and Mabel] burst through the door.) Jim: All right, amigo, this country ain't big enough for the two of us… (We see Harvey, Mabel, and Juanita all sitting around a table, eating bowls of cereal.) Harvey: Oh, hey Jim. Come to join us for an early breakfast? Jim: What 'n tarnation is going on here? Harvey: Now now, don't worry, she's not going anywhere. I just figured we'd give the gal some sustenance before she gets deported. And look, Mabel made a flannel shirt for her. (We see the back of Juanita's shirt reads, "I got caught by a lesbian, and all I got was this lousy flannel shirt.") Okay, actually, I did that part. (Jim shakes his head in disbelief, and approaches Juanita.) Miss, do you speak any English? (She shakes her head.) Jim: All right then. Let's call the Border Patrol before this gets out of hand. (Suddenly the door swings open, and ominous music plays as a bunch of college students with slogan-ed Tshirts appear.) Hank: Oh no! It's the ACLU! (more ominous music, maybe a thunder crash) ACLU Person 1: Yes, it is…us…we…whatever. (he notices the group at the table.) Aha! Caught in the act! You won't get away with your racist charades forever, Minutemen. Jim: I don't see what the problem is. ACLU Person 2: You've detained some poor Mexican you found on the street, illegally. Juanita: (has recognized a word, tries to correct them) Soy de Guatemala. Harvey: All I understood was "soy." I'm sorry, all we had was cow milk. Jim: What's illegal about giving her some cereal? ACLU Person 2: "Cereal," eh? (they walk over, intending to inspect the box, but are sidetracked upon noticing the shirt) ACLU Person 1: Aha! I didn't think much of you fellows, but this is pretty stupid. "I got caught by a lesbian?" Clear evidence of sexual harassment here. Mabel: Wait, what? (goes and looks at shirt) Harvey, you moron…you were the one that opened the door for her, not me! Harvey: …Details. ACLU Person 2: Okay, but that's still humiliation. Now what kind of cereal is this? (inspects box) Announcer: Wheaties. The breakfast of champions. ACLU Person 2: Oh, okay. Can we have some too? (fade as people get bowls for them) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
