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Allan.....Tom Brady Susan.....Amy Poehler Judge.....Chris Parnell Her Attorney.....Darrell Hammond His Attorney.....Kenan Thompson Bailiff.....Finesse Mitchell [Scene: Int. House. Susan has just been let into the house by Allan.] Allan: Hello. Susan: (curt)Hello. Allan: Look, I know we said some things...and I know we’ve already started divorce proceeding but...if you’ve come here to reconcile then... Susan: I haven’t come here to reconcile, Allan. I just wanted to tell you face to face that I want custody. Allan: Custody? Of what? Susan: Of Commander Tim. Allan: Who the hell is...wait...Commander Tim? Susan: Yes Allan. I want custody of your penis. Allan: I don’t get it. Susan: I may have stopped loving you but I’ll never stop loving your penis. It’s beautiful and perfect and it has brought me joy throughout an emotionally unsatisfying marriage. And I want it. Allan: Well...if you want it, I have some extra time… Susan: I want your penis, not you. (handing him a piece of paper)I need you to give this to Commander Tim. Allan: What’s this? Susan: It’s a subpoena. Allan: You subpoenaed my penis? Susan: Yes, that’s a penis subpoena. Allan: A penis subpoena? Susan: I know it sounds silly but it’s the only way. I’ll see you in court. Allan: Penis subpoena? I can’t believe this, I have to go to court because she wants custody of...(smiling)Sweet! [Cut to ext. shot of courthouse. Super ‘Big Falls County Courthouse One Month Later’. Cut to internal shot of courtroom.] His Attorney: Don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll win this one. Allan: Man, the press on this is crazy. His Attorney: I know, it’s madness. You seem to be dealing with it well. Allan: (taking a newspaper clipping out of his pants)She told CNN that my penis was ‘Delightful beyond all imaginings’. How sweet is that! His Attorney: I suppose... Allan: I’ve had movie offers from MGM, 20th Century Fox and Paris Hilton! His Attorney: Great...but remember, this is serious, so please try and wipe that smile off your face. Allan: I can’t! I’ve tried. It just won’t wipe off. (pretends to scrub his smile off. Smiling widely)See. [His Attorney shakes his head. Judge enters.] Bailiff: All rise, the right honorable Judge Jim Watson presiding. Judge: Alright. This case has garnered a heck of a lot of media attention and I want to make it clear that I will not have my courtroom turned into a circus, media or otherwise. That’s why I’m going to have to ask the juggling penguins to leave. (3 penguins grab their balls, get up from the public viewing area and leave). A necessary precaution. This is a court of law, and I don’t want any of you to forget that! [Judge takes mirror out and fixes his hair.] Judge: Let’s get this show on the road. No wait. Let’s do some justice. Yeah, that’s cool. We’ll go with that. We’ll edit out the first part in post. Her Attorney: Your honor, I call Susan Hewitt to the stand. [Susan takes her place in the witness chair.] Her Attorney: Would it be safe to say that every day would be gray and dismal without (pointing at Allan)his penis? Susan: Yes, absolutely. His Attorney: Your honor I object, that question is ridiculous… Allan: Stop it, what are you doing. Sit down. His Attorney: I’m trying to make sure you keep your penis. Allan: Sit down, let her talk. [Allan turns to wave at some girls in the crowd who giggle and wave back. They are wearing shirts that read ‘Marry’, ‘US’ and ‘Allan!’. ] Allan: (to self)Oh ladies, I couldn’t possibly marry all three of you. (a beat)Not in this closed minded society. [His Attorney looks at Allan then motions ‘Keep going’ to Judge and Her Attorney.] Her Attorney: In order to maintain your accustomed way of life, would you say that it is necessary for you to have his penis in your possession at all times. Susan: Absolutely. His Attorney: Your honor, I object, this is pure speculation and ridiculous speculation at that. I mean honestly... Allan: Quiet dude. His Attorney: What? Allan: Well with all due respect you haven’t seen my penis so it’s not really your place to decide what’s ridiculous. His Attorney: Unfortunately, I have seen your penis. It was exhibits A, B and C. Allan: Wait, are you saying you don’t like it? His Attorney: I’m not gay Allan. Allan: Bi-curious? His Attorney: No. Allan: I feel sorry that you can’t appreciate it, because according to The National Enquirer, my ex-wife turned down sex with Ben Affleck because of his ‘laughably inadequate penis’. I’ve ruined the poor girl. His Attorney: It’s common knowledge that Ben Affleck’s penis is laughable. That’s neither here nor there. You need to let me do my job. Judge: Are you two done? This is my courtroom and I’m not going to allow you two chatterboxes to turn it into a circus. No circuses! Hey, who let the fire eaters in? Get out. (Two fire eaters in public area get up and leave. At fire eaters as they are leaving) I am the judge, jury and prosecutor here! Well, not so much the last two. (motioning to Her Attorney) Anyways, let’s get back to doing some justice. Her Attorney: Would you say that, that man’s penis is more addictive that crystal meth and that through no fault of your own but rather through his own penil actions he has turned you into an addict who wants, nay NEEDS his penis to get through each day. Susan: (breaks down sobbing)Yes...YES! His Attorney: Your honor, I object... Allan: (rising to his feet) Shuttup! SHUTTUP! (mockingly)I object, I object. (to crowd)Is that all this guy knows how to say? [Cut to shot of Crowd in public viewing area. They look normal except for a mustached strong man. Crowd responds with a smattering of applause. Cut back to Allan.] Allan: I mean, this poor, poor woman. She spent 5 years with Time Magazine’s ‘Penis of the Century’ and now...now she has to live without it. I think she’s entitled to break down on the stand without any (making quote signs)’objections’ from any of us. [Crowd responds with more applause.] Allan: Look at her. And think of yourselves. You, ladies at the supermarket, you, ladies at the bars, you, guys who work at Radio Shack...think of yourselves. I am constantly being harassed to ‘Set Commander Tim free.’. But think...think of what would happen if I did. Do you think you’re going to be able to go back to your husbands, your boyfriends, your life partners and smile at them as though they aren’t totally inadequate when compared to me? [Cut back to Crowd looking ashamed. In addition to mustached strong man, there is now a tiger tamer and a guy dressed like a tiger. Cut back to Allan.] Allan: (to self)Oh man, this is so awesome... Judge: Order in the court! You guys, get out! [Cut to shot of circus people leaving the public viewing area.] His Attorney: Look, I can’t be your attorney if you keep... Allan: Fine, I’ll defend myself. Defense Attorney: ...interrupting me. Fine, good bye. Judge: Alright, one more interruption and I’ll hold you in contempt of court. Allan: If I interrupt you, I’ll hold myself in contempt. Judge: Nice. You’re much better than that other guy. Allan: Thanks. Judge: (to Her Attorney) Let’s do some justice. Yes, yes, sing of sweet Lady Justice, who although she is blind, sees right through the wickedness and lies. (to Allan)Psst, hey, You have a nice penis, what did you think of that? Allan: To be honest, you gilded the lily a bit. Judge: Dammit. (to Her Attorney)Quit your dilly dallying and get on with it! [Cut to external shot of the courthouse. Super ’20 minutes later’. Cut to shot of a Allan zipping up and leaving the witness stand. He takes his seat.] Judge: Alright, well, now I’ll call on you to present your case. Allan: The defense rests your honor. Judge: Seriously? You have nothing to say? To be honest the case is a bit silly...I would have thrown it out of court if I didn’t think it’d get me one step closer to Barbara Walters. It wouldn’t take much to sway me over to your side. I’ll bet Bling Bling, the break dancing Panda bear could probably sway my decision if you wanted to choose him as your attorney. [Cut to crowd and we see a guy in a giant Panda suit cross his arms in a hip hop fashion.] Allan: No thanks and I haven’t anything to say. Judge: (to Bling Bling)You get out then! (cut briefly to shot of Bling Bling walking out like a souljah. Cut back to Judge)Well, this might make me ridiculously famous but...I’m going to have to find for Susan Hewitt in this and award her custody of Allan Ragan’s penis. Case dismissed. [Judge leaves, Bailiff leaves, Her Attorney leaves. Allan approaches Susan.] Allan: Hey. I...I just want to say I’m sorry for putting you through this. I... Susan: What Allan? I...what? Allan: I want to get back together. Susan: Is that because I now have custody of your penis? Allan: No baby...it’s because you have custody of my heart. Susan: Oh Allan... [Allan and Susan kiss as all the previously seen circus folks fill the court along with the juggling penguins made famous by my as yet unreleased single ‘Damn those penguins can j-uggle’ and Bling Bling who does the robot and some other b-boy moves.] [Fade out to the Beatles’s ‘Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite’.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
