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Billy Joel.....Horatio Sanz Joaquin Phoenix.....Fred Armisen Pat O’Brien.....Tom Brady Nick Carter.....Seth Meyers Chris Klein.....Will Forte (Pan outside a Hollywood-style rehab center) (Cut to Billy Joel walking out of rehab) Billy Joel: Captain Jack will get you high tonight; take you to your special island! (Cut to Joaquin Phoenix walking past Billy Joel, going into the rehab center) Billy Joel: (To Joaquin) I love just the way you are! (Walking away) I’m in a New York State of Mind! (Joaquin walks in to the center; looks at Nick Carter) Joaquin Phoenix: What’s with Billy Joel? Nick Carter: He just got out of rehab! I bet he’s going looking for the first “Happy Hour” he crashes his car into! Joaquin Phoenix: I see. Well, Nick Carter, right? I’m Joaquin Phoenix…I’m here to quit drinking! Nick Carter: I heard! Let me show you around! (Nick and Joaquin walk around the center) Joaquin Phoenix: Who’s that? (Cut to Chris Klein crying) Nick Carter: That’s Chris Klein, from “American Pie”. He’s here trying to get over his drinking problem. Joaquin Phoenix: Chris Klein has a drinking problem? Nick Carter: Well, if you had just broken up with sweet ass Katie Holmes, wouldn’t you turn to the bottle? Joaquin Phoenix: I guess! (Suddenly Pat O’Brien approaches Carter & Phoenix) Pat O’Brien: What was Tom Cruise thinking? (Pat O’Brien walks away) Joaquin Phoenix: What’s with Pat O’Brien? Nick Carter: He turned to the bottle when he left Access Hollywood, started doing “The Insider”. He’s been doing that show drunk for the last few months. No one noticed until he started pissing his pants on-air when the Brad/Jennifer break up hit the headlines. He still thinks he’s reporting celebrity gossip on “Access Hollywood”. Pat O’Brien: I’m Pat O’Brien! Tonight on “Access Hollywood” we will dissect the Tom Cruise/Nicole Kidman break-up! Joaquin Phoenix: Ah! I see. So what are you in for, Carter? Nick Carter: Well, where do I start? I use to be in a boy band…I use to screw Paris Hilton, and my little brother is more popular than me. What do I do? I turned to the bottle…HARD! And that’s why I’m here. You? Joaquin Phoenix: I just like to drink. It relaxes me…plus I’m doing a movie next month where I’m a recovering alcoholic. Nick Carter: Sounds like fun! Let’s head to the cafeteria…they’re serving cocktails! Joaquin Phoenix: Nice! (Nick & Joaquin leave the room) (Cut to Billy Joel running back into the rehab center) Billy Joel: Cocktails! Yahoo! (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
