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.....Tina Fey .....Amy Poehler .....Chris Parnell .....Finesse Mitchell Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. The President of Ecuador, Lucio Gutierrez has declared a state of emergency and has demanded the dissolve of the Supreme Court in his country. The Supreme Court judges are to return their robes, as soon as possible, or risk losing their security deposit. President Bush’s adjusted gross income for 2004 was $784,219, that’s $384,219 than his yearly salary for being president. Asked where the extra $384,219 came from, Bush said, “I got me a summer job, cutting the lawn in front of the White House!” Amy Poehler: A Colorado man was arrested after it was uncovered that he raped several women in the Denver area back in the 1980’s. Police officials said that it was easy to catch the man, because he hasn’t changed since 80’s. Officials found the man, wearing parachute pants, leg warms, and a tee shirt that says “Frankie Says Relax”, driving around in a “DeLorean”, listening to nothing but Duran Duran. Criminals will never learn! The United Arab Embassy has introduced plans to replace child camel jockeys with new robotic jockeys. Sadly the Embassy has decided to use robot children. Tina Fey: This week in Britain an elderly woman was arrested for making marijuana casserole in her kitchen, which explains why over 2000 kids in the local neighborhood offered to mow her lawn. The Hungarian Interior Ministry is looking to allow prostitutes to shop for business in shopping malls. In a related story a new store has opened in a local Hungary mall called GAP whores. Amy Poehler: In the world of nature this week, Wal-Mart has decided to spend 35 million for a wildlife habitat. After the habitat is built it will proceed with a hostile takeover of the land and force nature to shop only at its habitat. Amy Poehler: Officials in a South African zoo are trying to convince a chimpanzee they have to stop smoking. This, of course, only pales to the massive speed problem of the nearby hyenas. Tina Fey: In entertainment news this week, it was announced that Britney Spears was pregnant. We here at Weekend Update would normally have a funny joke to add to that, but it's just too damn easy. Amy Poehler: [ chuckles ] Well, if you won't, I will. It was announced this week that pop singer Britney Spears is pregnant. When asked to comment, Britney said, "It's true, but don't worry - it's not mine." Announcer: This has been "Amy Poehler Modernizes a Classic Blonde Joke", brought to you by Michelob. Tina Fey: In China this week, large crowds came out to view the annual pig Olympics that take place in the country. Things got a little scary at the event when one of the pigs had the word "humble" written over it on a spider web. The pig and its owners were then burned at the stake. And now, here is a rant by our political correspondent, Chris Parnell! Chris Parnell: Okay! In an interview this week, Representative Chris Shays, a republican from Connecticut, said he thinks Senate majority leader Tom DeLay should resign from his post. Hey Tom DeLay, you know it’s bad when guys from your party are calling for your resignation! DeLay, put this picture in your head, “Burning At The Stakes!” Does the name “Benito Mussolini” ring any bells? And another thing, Congress is filled with drama, these days! There’s more drama in Congress than an episode of “Desperate Housewives”! You’ve got all the representatives and all the senators and they’ve got one thing in common, they all hate each other! They vote on these bills like it’s an episode of “Survivor” or “The Apprentice”. Guys, do you realize, you actually have a job to do! You are running our country, not trying to get “castaways” voted off the island! I’m Chris Parnell saying, “Know your role and shut the hell up!” Tina Fey: Chris, that’s a line THE ROCK use to say. Chris Parnell: I know, but I couldn’t think of something clever to end my rant. Tina Fey: Okay. Chris Parnell, everyone! Amy Poehler: Time Magazine released their list for the 100 Most Influential People. The list included President George W. Bush, Michael Moore and Martha Stewart. And making Time’s 100 Least Influential People, for the sixth year in a role, Screech from “Saved By The Bell”. President Bush, who topped the Time Magazine list, was reviewed, as “his influence is unexpected as it is ubiquitous.” Asked to comment, Bush said, “I’m so influentional, I have no idea what ‘ubiquitous’ means! Kick ass!” Tina Fey: In South Africa, nurses are wearing pajamas and nighties to work to demand a higher uniform allowance, drawing criticism from health officials who say they are confusing patients and turning hospitals into bedrooms. They've also caused an increase in the patient death ratio from telling one too many ghost stories. Amy Poehler: Brad Pitt told “US Weekly” that he is not involved with his “Mr. & Mrs. Smith” co-star Angelina Jolie. Pitt did say, “Mary-Kate, you left your blue thong at my apartment, last night. It might be Ashley’s, but I’m pretty sure it’s yours!” It was reported this week that Anna Nicole Smith will begin writing a gossip column for the National Enquirer. But first, Anne Nicole must learn how to write! Tina Fey: A new survey from London showed that women are not impressed by daredevil behavior in men, such as bungee jumping and other risky types of behavior, but that they actually prefer men who take fewer chances. This may also may explain why Ben Affleck can't keep a girlfriend. Amy Poehler: This week authorities arrested 4 kids who had over 60,000 pirated games from classic Nintendo, such as Duck Hunt and Super Mario Brothers. Don't police have better things to do than arrest kids for hawking games that even the Amish find out of date? Leave these children alone, we have real issues to deal with, people. Announcer: This has been Amy Poehler standing up for something for no particular reason. Tina Fey: Rapper DMX was arrested after a 3-car crash involving a police car on a major NYC expressway. Still know word if DMX was high at the time, but the odds are better than usual. A fossilized egg was found in the remains of a dinosaur’s body this week. Testes have not proven much yet, but there is a possibility that those eggs were the dinosaur ancestor of Laci Peterson’s unborn child. Perhaps? Amy Poehler: A judge is ordering bad boy rapper P. Diddy to pay the mother of his son Justin about $21,700 a month in child support, down from the monthly payment of $35,000 he was originally ordered to pay. The judge said, “I heard P. Diddy’s last album and I really think he could use the extra $13,300 a month. Seriously!” David Duchovny’s recent endeavor “The House of D” was panned by critics saying the film is “dull and boring”. Asked to comment, Duchovny said, “Yeah, thanks. That’s what I was going for.” Tina Fey: President Bush this week went public with his opinions of the Internet. Bush said, "I signed off from cyberspace in 2001. Over the years, I've come to find that the Internet is nothing but of web of lies! I wanted to see a woman having sex with a horse, but it later turned out to be a joke. It's a web of lies!" Amy Poehler: And now here with a commentary on the black perspective of sports is our own, Finesse Mitchell! Finesse Mitchell: Hello, and thank you ladies. I am here tonight to discuss the lack of blacks in sports. True, black people have taken over the sports world…with football and baseball…and god knows basketball. We even have a few brothers in hockey, but that doesn’t matter because hockey is “on strike”, I guess you would say. One sport that does not have any blacks is “Auto Racing”. NASCAR does not have any black drivers. And do you know why? Because black men can’t drive and call it a sport! Yeah, we can drag race, like in “Fast & Furious”, but that’s more of a Latino kind of thing. Black men can’t drive in NASCAR. It’s hellish enough trying to drive with one hand, smoke a joint, sip off your “40” and try to pay attention to the other 40 guys on the road, going 200 miles-a-hour! We can’t do it. So, what is the point I’m trying to make? Well, basically, NASCAR has no black drivers, and that’s okay because we don’t want to be around 40 rednecks. That’d be like a Ku Klux Klan clambake! I’m Finesse Mitchell! Thanks for listening, America! Amy Poehler: Finesse Mitchell, ladies and gentlemen! Tina Fey: And, finally tonight: A new survey from London showed that women are not impressed by daredevil behavior in men, such as bungee jumping and other risky types of behavior, but that they actually prefer men who take fewer chances. This may also may explain why Ben Affleck can't keep a girlfriend. Amy Poehler: For Weekend Update, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow! [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
