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Bob.....Tom Brady Steve.....Chris Parnell Joe.....Will Forte Nick.....Seth Meyers Jan.....Rachel Dratch (The scene opens up on an elementary school spelling bee. The scene then changes to the audience where one man is wearing a green poker visor and scratching down numbers. He is sitting next to a couple of other Dads in the audience.) Steve: Okay guys the next word is "inconceivable" what are my bets on the Johnson kid? Joe: I think he'll pull things out, according to the classroom stats he was real quick on the "I" words. Nick: Trust me he's going down, put me down for 5 large on him to lose Steve. Joe: Gee Nick that's your son up there. Nick: Yeah well you know you don't put more than 2 large on your own kid to lose, what the hell is wrong with you? Joe: All right then put 2 large on my boy Steve. Steve: You got it Joe. (The fathers wait in anticipation to see whether or not Joe's son will spell the word correctly. He does.) Joe: Oh no I can't believe it, Timmy you were supposed to lose dammit! Nick: I guess you aren't getting dessert at dinner later tonight. Joe: Oh frickin' hell, Steve cut me a break man, this thing had to be a fix. Steve: Hey you know the rules Joe. All bets are final. Joe: Son of a bitch, how am I going to pay the electric bill this week? Steve: Relax Joe, you could always fake your own death, I am your kid's godfather after all. (Another Dad walks up and takes a seat next to the other dads.) Bob: Hey guys, I just got off my second job, how are the kids doing? Joe: Terrible, my kid is actually accomplishing something for once, the bastard. Bob: Uh Joe relax, it's just a spelling bee. Joe: That's easy for you to say, you didn't just lose two large on your kid. Bob: Wait a second, you're gambling on your kids in a spelling bee?! Steve: Yeah, and I am telling you the action right now is sweet. We haven't reached the final round yet you can still put some bucks on your kid if you want. Nick: You better put a lot on him though he's not going to pay very big, since your wife is Chinese. Steve: Yeah Bob, whenever the kids are Chinese or, you know, yellow, they're always the odds-on favorite. Bob: Dear god, I can't believe you guys are gambling on your own kids. Steve: Hey don't give me a speech "Bob the saint" what about that time you watered your grass on Tuesday despite the implicit law that watering can only be done on Fridays, how about that god boy! Nick: Yeah why don't you just cool down Bob-o. Bob: Look all I am saying is- Steve: Shut up Bob! We got some action going on here. (The camera pulls out to show a woman fishing through her purse for something.) Steve: Alright all bets are open, I got 5 to 1 odds on her pulling out lipstick and 3 to 1 odds its her cell phone. Nick: Give me 3 large on lipstick! Joe: Gimme 20 g's on cell phone, here's the deed to my car for collateral. Bob: You guys are sick! Steve: Alright, the betting window is closed! (The woman eventually pulls out her lipstick.) Nick: All right I am the winner. Joe: Dear god no! Steve please you gotta call off the bet. Steve: Joe you know the rules, besides I already had one of my guys take your car out of the parking lot. (Joe begins sobbing uncontrollably. The scene goes back to just the 4 guys hanging out.) Steve: Joe if you can't afford to bet the cash you shouldn't play the game. Bob: I don't believe you guys. You're gambling on what women will take out of their purses. Nick: Come on Bob, you know you want to get into the game, I know you're bored in your life. Bob: Hey my life is just fine Nick, just fine. Nick: Oh really Bob, you've been stuck in the same position at your job for over 5 years. Bob: But I have been given the award for best employee for 3 of those years. Steve: Yeah but when was the last time you got a promotion? Bob: Well uh um- Steve: That's what I thought Bob, look you start playing this game, you're going to feel a high you never felt on any other drugs. Bob: I don't know anything about drugs. Steve: Yeah sure whatever man, look you're kid's up next and I hear he's got trouble with the "ie's" Bob: You're right Steve, what the hell was I thinking, gimme 10 thousand on my kid to lose. Steve: Now that's the spirit, taking all bets, all right, okay and no more bets! (Bob waits in suspense to see what will happen. His kid gets the word right.) Bob: Oh nuts! Nick: Gee Bob who would have thought your kid would actually nail "supercalifragilisticexpiealadocious" Steve: Tough luck Bob. Bob: Hey I still got collateral Steve, the Jenny Parr is up next, hey honey! (Bob motions to his wife, Jan, to come over, she does.) Jan: Yes honey. Bob: Hey Steve how about if the Parr girl doesn't make this word I let you sleep with my wife. Jan: What?! Steve: Sorry Bob, "Indecent Proposal" wagers are against house rules. Jan: You bastard! (Jan screams off away from Bob and out of the scene.) Bob: Oh honey come on wait up. (Bob leaves to go chase her.) Steve: Okay fellows I am opening up bets on whether Bob will still have use of his testicles by tomorrow morning, 4-1 odds he still will. Nick: I am in on that. Joe: Let me in Steve, I am sure my kidney will get a great price on the black market. Steve: Weellll… Okay Joey. Joe: All right! (The men continue to eagerly gamble with one another as the spellers keep on spelling.) END Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
