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Dan.....Chris Parnnell Phil.....Johnny Knoxville Blind Man.....Will Forte Bouncer.....Kenan Thompson Police Officer.....Horatio Sanz Commissioner.....Goldie Commissioner’s Voice.....Darrell Hammond [Scene: Phil approaches Dan. They are obviously both early morning joggers. Dan is sitting on a bench eating an egg McMuffin. Phil sits down next to him, seemingly exhausted.] Phil: Oh man. Phew, what a run! Dan: Hey Phil, how’s it going? Phil: Excellent. I’m in top physical condition. I just ran a mile in...(checks watch)...35 minutes?? Dan: Wow, nice going. Phil: Wait, that can’t be right. Dan: Is that a new watch? Phil: Yeah, I found it in a toilet over at Burger King. It seems to be running fast...and it’s got this extra dial thingie. This is crazy. You count one Mississippi and seven seconds go by. Let me fix it. [Phil observes watch.] Phil: Hmmm, wait...it’s got some counters. 160 o’clock? May 49? What the heck? Dan: Maybe it’s on dog time. Phil: Omigosh! I just suddenly realized...this watch is running on dog time! Dan: (surprised)What? Why...who would have such a watch and how would it end up in the toilet? [Cut to a pretaped shot of Commissioner, a golden retriever, sitting at his desk.] Commissioner: (overdubbed)Oh man, what a night last night. Why can’t I remember anything… [Cut back to Phil and Dan.] Phil: Maybe it belongs to some kind of celebrity dog! Maybe it belongs to the sexy Lindsay Lohan. I’d be so in. Dan: Meh, I prefer to take a more Federline-ish approach. Knock up a lesser know actress, kind of get my foot in the door, then move on to a Lindsay Lohan. [a beat] Phil: Aren’t you married? Dan: Dammit. She gets in the way of all my good plans. Phil: Look, I’m going to go find whoever this belongs to. Are you with me? Dan: I am! Can we stop off at Taco Bell first? [Cut back to pretaped shot of a golden retriever at his desk.] Commisioner: Oh no. Please tell me I dreamt that I pooped on the steps of the Nixon library. And that I didn’t write ‘This one’s for you Checkers!’ in pee on the lawn. (fake dog hand comes up and covers dog’s face in embarrassment. Hand goes down). I still have a few days to re-sod the grass before they notice… [Cut back to Phil and Dan running in front of a green screen type thing. Dan is eating something from Taco Bell.] Phil: Wait, maybe it belongs to this guy. He has a dog. [Shot widens to reveal a blind man and his dog.] Phil: (showing blind man the watch)Does this belong to you? Blind Man: I don’t know, I’m blind, maybe ask my dog. Phil: (showing watch to dog)Is this your watch? Blind Man: I guess not. Phil: Okay, we’ll be going then.. Blind Man: Alright, but before you go. (pulls out a pair of nunchucks)I’m going to teach you a lesson about how you shouldn’t tease a blind man! [Blind Man begins swinging his nunchucks in front of him, out of the way of Phil and Dan. Phil makes a head motion suggesting he and Dan should help out Blind Man. They step in the way of the swirling nunchucks.] Phil: (getting hit by nunchucks)Wait…ouch…I can explain…ouch, the watch runs on…ouch… Dan: Dog time! Stop hitting us! [Cut back to dog sitting at desk.] Commissioner: Oh no. Please tell me I didn’t visit the zoo. And that I didn’t sneak into the lemur cage. Damn sexy lemur. Oh well…it’s not like she could get pregnant…right? That kind of thing doesn’t happen. [Enter Police Officer holding paper. He shows Commissioner.] Police Officer: Hey Commissioner. Have you seen this? It’s a Wolphin! A horny dolphin, possibly drunk during a night of revelry, did it to a whale and they had a baby! Now their baby is having another baby! Isn’t that the craziest thing ever! Commissioner: Oh (beeep). [Cut back to Phil and Dan running. They are bandaged up a bit. Dan is eating something from Arby’s.] Dan: Look Phil, I’m pretty sure this watch does not belong to Lindsay Lohan. Phil: Well, she’s doing a mall appearance and it won’t hurt to get inside and ask. [Bouncer shows up.] Phil: Oh…I see…the sign says it’s full. But if we could just get inside and talk to Miss Lohan for a bit. Dan: Yeah, we have a watch that may belong to her. It runs on dog time if you can believe it. Heck, maybe it belongs to you…(acting hip-hopish)dawg. Bouncer: (thick English accent)Oh that’s it. Now you’ve gotten my ire up. I do not talk like some uncouth street thug and I resent, resent I say, resent being judged in such a manner based solely on the color of my skin! Dan: Your jacket says ‘Bone, Thugs, and Harmony.’. Bouncer: IRREGARDLESS! I will not be judged by the likes of you. Now be off before I give you both a proper thrashing. [Bouncer pulls out a pair of nunchucks. Phil and Dan run off. Cut back to Commisioner’s office.] Commissioner: Last thing I remember was…I was at Burger King…oh no…drinking out of their toilets. If this ever gets out I’ll be the laughing stock of the precinct. [Shot widens to reveal Police Officer is still there reading.] Police Officer: I mean seriously. An inter-species pregnancy? It’s incredible! I’ll bet there are tons of combinations out there that we don’t know about! Wowza! [Cut back to Dan and Phil. Dan is eating something from Burger King. He stops, short of breath.] Dan: Oh man, I have to stop this, I don’t care what my wife says. I’ve gained 20 pounds since I started running! Phil: It’s probably because you eat constantly while you run. Dan: That never hurt Bill Clinton. Phil: He just had a major bypass operation didn’t he? Dan: Great! Why wasn’t that in the news? Phil: Hey look, there’s an inscription on the back of the watch. (reading)To Commissioner Goldie, Thanks for a great 5, scratched out, 35 years, love, the guys at the 14th precinct. To the police department! [Cut back to Commissioner’s office. There is a bottle of Scotch whisky and a shot glass in front of the Commissioner.] Police Officer: I mean, if a dolphin and a whale can have a baby...it’s possible that ANY two animals could have a baby! [Fake doggie hands pour another drink. Enter Dan and Phil.] Phil: Commissioner Goldie...you’re a dog! Of course. [Police Officer pulls out a set of nunchucks.] Police Officer: Who are you guys? Phil: We’ve come to return the Commissioner’s watch. Commissioner: Put the nunchucks away Gordo. Dan: (to Police Officer)Where did you get those? Police Officer: Costco’s got ‘em now. Say, where did you find the watch? [a beat] Phil: Uhhh...it was...it was in the lost and found at the homeless shelter. Probably it fell off during some volunteer work. Police Officer: (rolling up his paper and walking out scene.)Ahh, that’s our Commish for ya. That’s why we love ‘em. [Police Officer exits.] Commissioner. Where did you find it? Phil: In the toilet at Burger King. Commissioner: Thanks for not saying anything. Here sit down, have a drink, I owe you that at least. [Phil sits down as Commissioner pours the drinks.] Commissioner: (As the drink is being held in a fake doggie arm)So…anyone ever tell you guys that your have great legs? [A beat] Legs Don’t get pregnant, that’s a fact! [Close up of Commissioner with his tongue wagging. Cut back to wide shot. Dan puts his finger up and leaves quickly.] [Fade Out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
