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Jacob Swank..... Rob Riggle Karen Davidson.....Tina Fey Customer 1.....Darrell Hammond Customer 2.....Johnny Knoxville Waiter..... Seth Meyers Customer 3.....Amy Poehler Random Guy in the Back.....Horatio Sanz Bar Customer..... Will Forte Not a Hispanic.....Kenan Thompson Coffee Shop Employee..... Maya Rudolph Flower Girl.....child actor Caterer.....Fred Armisen Jennifer Wilbanks.....Rachel Dratch John, her fiancée...... Chris Parnell Jacob Swank: Hello, I'm Jacob Swank with the Newscru, bringing you the most extensive coverage of the most pressing issues facing our nation today. As always, the Newscru goes to great lengths, physically and metaphorically, to find the information America needs to know. Our top story today is the continuing saga of the "Runaway Bride." Was she really kidnapped by a Hispanic man? Or was he Asian? We go to our correspondent in Duluth, Georgia, to find out. Karen? Karen Davidson: Karen Davidson reporting live from Duluth, where the residents have recently found out that Jennifer Wilbanks was not, in fact, kidnapped by a black man. We are here in the Crispy Crayfish restaurant to find out how the residents of Duluth feel about this sham shanghai. (We see a customer in the middle of a plate of crayfish with a microphone thrust in front of him.) Karen: What is your reaction to the discovery that Wilbanks' abduction was a fake? Customer 1: I don't know what in the hell got into that woman, frankly. I'm glad she's safe, but Jesus; I had my bloodhounds out lookin' for her! Karen: Really? So you're a police officer? Customer 1: No ma'am. Karen: ...Then why do you have bloodhounds tracking people? Customer 1: Well, these hounds are special. They can smell fear...Guess that explains why they didn't find her. They ain't trained to smell cold feet. (Another customer, who bangs his fist on the table, very agitated.) Customer 2: The whole town looked everywhere for her! I crawled through a sewer looking for that woman! I was attacked by alligators, and for what, I ask you?! Karen: Uhh... Customer 2: Not just any sewer alligators, these ones had tails!! (Karen is talking to a waiter) Karen: Could you tell the folks at home what the special of the day is? Waiter: Well, in honor of Jennifer, we're serving cold pig's feet with selfish fritters. Whoops, that's shellfish fritters. (Another customer) Karen: What do you think about Jennifer Wilbanks lying about her disappearance? Customer 3: Ha. I told them all along that it was just cold feet, and nobody believed me. Told me to shut my trap. Karen: Really? What about after the phone call, were you convinced then? Customer 3: No. Never marry a marathon runner, I always say. (pause) But did John listen to me? Nooo! He was going to marry that airhead! And look what became of that! To y'all who said I was just a bitter, heartless bitch, I say, "Who's the bitch now?" Random Guy in the Back: You are! (She turns and throws a beer bottle at him.) (Another customer) Karen: How do you feel, now that the disappearance of Jennifer Wilbanks has been explained? Customer 4: (still chewing) Hrmft? Karen: I see. That must have been difficult to explain to your children. (A customer at the bar) Bar Customer: You know, you interviewed me before and I defended her. Said I've known her since kindergarten and it's totally uncharacteristic of her to disappear like that, she's very responsible. Karen: Yeah. Jeez, you must feel like an idiot now! Bar Customer: Well, what do you expect when you interview people at a bar? Point is, I was lying. She was a stoner who cut classes all the time in high school. Karen: Hmm...how do I know you you aren't lying now? Bar Customer: Well, I'm not at a bar, am I? (zoom out to emphasize that he's lying) Jacob Swank: There you have it, Duluth has spoken. Now, Wilbanks said she had been abducted by a Hispanic man, and the Hispanic community is responding angrily now that it turned out that she made up the whole thing. We interviewed some Hispanics, to see how they felt. Not a Hispanic: Um, I'm not Hispanic. Karen: What? Not a Hispanic: I'm not Hispanic. I'm African-American. Karen: ...Really. Are you sure? Jacob Swank: And there you have it folks; denial from the Hispanic community. Let's hear from some of those who knew Jennifer well. (taped interviews a la Barbara Walters) Karen: So, you work at the coffee shop that Jennifer frequented? Coffee Shop Employee: Yes. Karen: Fascinating. What did you observe when she came in every day? Coffee Shop Employee: Well, she was always in a hurry... Karen: She never stopped to think about her actions? Coffee Shop Employee: Well, I dunno. I figured she was probably on her way to work. Karen: Oh. What else? Coffee Shop Employee: Well, she always ordered an espresso. Karen: Hmm. That explains a lot. (Interview of a little girl) Karen: You were supposed to be the flower girl. Flower Girl: Yeah. Karen: What do you think about what happened? Flower Girl: Well, my mommy says she's just an attention whore. (pause) What does that mean? (Interview with a man in a white uniform) Karen: You were supposed to cater the wedding? Caterer: I was. Karen: Did you observe any warning signs? Caterer: Oh, absolutely. Anybody who puts the Mandarin salad on the menu is doomed, I find. But I don't say anything, of course, and then hopefully they'll cancel late enough so that they still have to pay me. (back to Jacob) Jacob Swank: How intriguing. Now we go live again, Karen Davidson is outside the courthouse, where they are considering pressing charges for all the expenses incurred over Wilbanks' disappearance. Karen? Karen: Well, here she comes, right behind me...she's the one with a towel over her head. I believe the towel is to hide her hair, which she cut off during her flight. Let's take a look. (She walks over and pulls the towel off. In an exaggeration of that awful picture, Jennifer's eyes are wide, and she looks like a hunted animal. She makes a weird howling noise, and bolts. Her fiancée John chases her.) John: Jennifer, stop!! I love you! (She hear the sounds of a car door slamming, then starting up, as John jumps offscreen, as if to jump on the tail. We hear the car screech away, as everyone else, who has caught up, watch it.) Flower Girl: I thought you're supposed to put cans on the back of the car... (back to Swank) Jacob Swank: Well, there she goes again. That's all the time we have for today. Tomorrow, we'll investigate the chlyamidia outbreak among the penguins in the Central Park zoo. I am Jacob Swank with the Newscru, signing out. (fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
