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...Johnny Knoxville ...Chris Parnell ...Fred Armisen Don Pardo (VO): Ladies and gentlemen, Johnny Knoxville! [Johnny Knoxville comes out of the door and stands at homebase. The audience applauds while the theme song ends.] Johnny Knoxville: (shouting) Thanks! Thanks a lot! [The audience finishes applauding] Johnny Knoxville: For those of you who don't know, my name is Johnny Knoxville and I'm hosting "Saturday Night Live." I'm here promoting my new film, "The Dukes of Hazard," which comes out this summer. I play Daisy Duke, and let me tell you, getting into those short shorts wasn't easy. Neither was shaving my legs every two days. (pause) I'm just kidding. I play one of the two brothers. I forget which one. But anyway, most people know me from the "Jackass" show where I would always get the crap beaten out of me. People always stop me on the street and ask if those stunts were real. (insisting) Trust me, they really were. I have the scars to prove it! I have lots that I could show you, but I think one of them speaks for itself. Take a look. [Johnny Knoxville lifts up his shirt, revealing a huge hole in his chest that shows the 8-H door behind him] Johnny Knoxville: See? It's crazy. That's the last time I try to face a cannonball head on. But you know, I'm the ultimate bad-ass, so I can survive anything. (shouting) I challenge anyone here to take me on! [Chris Parnell walks on-stage] Chris Parnell: I'll take that bet, Mr. Knoxville. Johnny Knoxville: (surprised) You? The Broadway geek? Chris Parnell: (annoyed) I prefer "Broadway Affectionato," but yes, I can take a punch like no one else. I mean, I've survived multiple beatings by The Rock! Johnny Knoxville: Oh yeah? Well, me too! He beat the crap out of me in "Walking Tall!" Chris Parnell: Oh yeah? Well, I've been fired from this show by Lorne Michaels! And I got through that, as painful as it was. Of course, sleeping with his wife was a big help. Johnny Knoxville: I've been fired by Lorne, too! He hired me to do "Jackass" as a weekly segment here on the show but he fired me before it got on the air! Chris Parnell: (surprised) Really? Johnny Knoxville: (nods his head) Yeah. It was a huge blow to my self-esteem, but I toughened up and dealt with it. Chris Parnell: (stammering) Well...I'm from Germantown, Tennessee! Johnny Knoxville: I'm from Knoxville, Tennessee! Hence the last name! Chris Parnell: (intrigued) Really? What hospital were you born in? Johnny Knoxville: Mercy Memorial. Chris Parnell: (excitedly) Me too! Johnny Knoxville: (shouting happily) No way! Chris Parnell: (laughing) It's like we're the same guy! [Johnny Knoxville and Chris Parnell put their hands in front of each other and move them together at the same time.] Johnny Knoxville: (amazed) Wow, it's like looking in a mirror! Only the mirror is two feet shorter than me! (pause) It's just too bad you can't take punishment like I can. Chris Parnell: Oh yeah? Bro, believe me, I know all about punishment. I mean, I was in "Anchorman," for pete's sake! Sitting through its premiere was the ultimate form of punishment! Especially since they cut the one scene where I had more than two lines of dialogue. (looks directly at the camera) See you next week, Willy! Johnny Knoxville: Well, I was in... [Fred Armisen walks on-stage] Fred Armisen: Okay, guys, I think I can settle this. Chris Parnell: What do you mean, Fred? Fred Armisen: Let's see which one of you can survive this. [Fred Armisen pulls out a gun and fires it at Parnell and then Knoxville. They both fall to the ground, and their bodies start to twitch. After a moment, Parnell's body stops twitching. Knoxville's body continues to shake until he finally stands up after a brief struggle.] Fred Armisen: There we go. You win, Johnny. Congratulations. Now, let's get on with the show. [Fred Armisen walks off-stage] Johnny Knoxville: (grabbing his sides in pain) Oh boy. Good thing I have that hole in my chest. The bullet sailed right through. It only grazed my left lung. (looks down at Chris Parnell) Too bad about Parnell though. He was just two shows away from retirement. But anyway, System of a Down is here, so stick around, we'll be right back! [Johnny Knoxville starts kicking Chris Parnell's body as we FADE OUT] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
