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.....Tina Fey .....Amy Poehler Dr. Phil McGraw.....Darrell Hammond .....Horatio Sanz Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. President Bush celebrated Arbor Day this past week by planting a chestnut tree in the North Lawn of the White House. Later that day, Bush approved a bill allowing for the cutting down and removal of the very same tree he had planted just hours before. It’s Bush-fever! Catch it! It was announced this week that President Bush will visit the former Soviet Republics, some time next week. While visiting the area, Bush is expected to making numerous "Stan" jokes...that aren't very funny. Like, "I guess Stan was a popular guy when they named all of these nations." Amy Poehler: Former Georgia Senator Zell Miller’s new book “A Deficit Of Decency”, which praises and slams the Democratic Party, is selling well in bookstores since its release last week. However, the fun is just beginning as the publisher is working on an inter-active book on tape…so readers can really enjoy the excitement of Zell Miller! John Kerry, this week, backed Antonio Villaraigosa to be the next Mayor of Los Angeles. Next comes the backing of the hobos on Sunset Boulevard and the backing of the crack dealers in the back alleys of LA. Best of luck, Antonio! Tina Fey: Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid called President Bush, "a loser" during a civics discussion with a group of teenagers at a high school on Friday. Reid later apologized, saying, "I didn't mean what I said. When you are around a couple hundred students who use words like moron and retarded, LOSER just seemed appropriote." Slashdot.com reports that former Vice President Al Gore was recently given an Internet Achievement Award. Receiving the award, Al Gore said, “Well, I am happy to accept this award. I mean that’s why I did create the Internet so many years ago…but, honestly, the real reason I created the Internet was for the thousands of horny bastards, like myself, who love pornography! Stroke on, fellas!” Amy Poehler: In sports news, hard times for the New York Yankees. The New York Daily Post wrote earlier this week, “The best comedy show in the city isn’t Saturday Night Live or a night at The Improv. Go see the New York Yankees lose to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. You’ll laugh your ass off.” More on this news story as it develops. William Bell, creator and writer of many daytime soap operas, died last week. Still no reports on how he died, but some theories are concluding that his evil twin brother killed him. Tina Fey: This week, thousands of “Star Wars” fans began a “stand-a-thon”, in celebration of the upcoming release of “Star Wars Episode 3”. In a related story, all of fans in the “stand-a-thon” are still virgins. Slashdot.com reports that a slew of mathematicians have become Hollywood consultants in the film and television industry. Well, it’s good to see that math nerds who know what the exact rounding off infinity is will get you the chance to have the likes of say Jennifer Aniston wink at you by the craft services table. Amy Poehler: Or Tina, a chance to be in the next Hollywood sex tape! A new biography about Frank Sinatra exposes that "The Chairman Of The Board" was connected to the mafia. The title of the book, "If you've been living under a rock for the last 75 years, here’s what you missed!" Joe Perry, lead guitarist for Aerosmith, announced this week that he would be releasing a solo album. Steve Perry, the former front man for the band Journey, not to be confused with Joe Perry, the lead guitarist for Aerosmith, said this week, “I’m not releasing a new album. You must have me confused with Joe Perry from Aerosmith. I think he has an album coming out. I’m the guy from Journey! Oh, by the way, don’t stop believing! Hold on to the feeling!” Tina Fey: “Seventeen Magazine” said this week that they predicted that Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes would start dating. Okay, fine! I bet no one else predicted that Tom Cruise would start dating a young beautiful actress so the tabloids would stop making claims that he’s a homosexual. Less than 48 hours after Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' publicists sought to convince the world that the unlikely pair have embarked on a hot romance, CNN's American Morning host Bill Hemmer said, "What kind of sham is this, by the way?" Maybe Bill is just jealous that Katie Holmes said no to him, but said yes to Tom Cruise. It’s a Hollywood thing. Amy Poehler: It was reported this week that Whitney Houston has checked herself into rehab for her severe drug problems. Asked to comment, Bobby Brown said, “Where’s Whitney? She ran out to get some more crack…and now she’s gone! Whitney, I need some mo’ crack! I LIKE TO SMOKE CRACK!” Ryan Seacrest recently got a star on the “Hollywood Walk Of Fame”. Simon Cowell commented saying, “If Britney Spears has a star on the walk of fame, than Ryan deserves one, as well. They are both equally un-talented and equally flash-in-the-pan!” Tina Fey: And now with a commentary about June Weddings is the host of the popular daytime talk show “Dr. Phil”, here is Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil McGraw: Thank you. Thank you. June is coming fast, and it's time to start thinking about finalizing your wedding plans. Every June, a collection of women vow to give their love to the men that they wish to marry. My little commentary here tonight will give you some insight on this issue. It seems that the American people are just so obsessed with love! You want love! You need love! You find more love! You want to bring back that lovin’ feeling, oh woo woo that lovin’ feeling! Top Gun! Righteous Brothers! You want the power of love! Back to The Future! Huey Lewis & The News! You want to make love at The Love Shack! Tin roof rusted! B-52’s! You want to find “Somebody To Love”! Queen! You want to know what love is! Foreigner! You give love a bad name! Bon Jovi! I can think of 3 different “Scorpions” references: ”Still Loving You”, “Loving You Sunday Morning”, “Rhythm Of Love”! You got a “Whole Lotta Love”! Led Zeppelin! You want the “Tainted Love”! Soft Cell! Tina Fey: Dr. Phil is there a point to your little rant, here? Dr. Phil McGraw: Yes, Tina, there is! America, you want love…well, remember the words of a wise man. I believe his name was “J. Geils” and he said, “Love Stinks”. Good night, America! Tina Fey: Dr. Phil everyone! Amy Poehler: In entertainment news, Cybill Shepherd is set to reprise her performance as Martha Stewart in CBS’s upcoming made-for-TV movie about the legendary homemaker. Producers of the upcoming film said, “Cybill was an easy fit to play Martha. I mean after all, Cybill and Martha are both equally hateful bitches and should rot in hell. And believe me, that is a good thing!” Runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks, of Georgia, was found late last week in New Mexico. She originally claimed she had been abducted by aliens, but later admitted she just wanted some time to herself before her wedding. Or is that what the aliens told her to say? (Cue “The X-Files” theme song) Wilbanks is also on all males' most wanted list when it comes time for them to not want to get married. Tina Fey: The FDA will be implementing a rule that anonymous homosexual men that have had sex in the last five years can not donate sperm for fear of infecting the fetus with AIDS and other transmitted diseases. Gay rights advocates state that this can be an invasion of privacy on their parts, and that the babies' chances of contacting HIV is as false as them having bad taste in clothing and decor. The Apostrophe Protection Society of England was in an uproar Thursday when a new walkway was called Scholars Walk, and not Scholar's Walk. This is true. Townsperson Larry Laukka was furious in the decision, saying he was "terribly disappointed in the whole thing." It may just be my opinion, but he could be frustrated because he spends his whole time demanding apostrophes and not getting any ladies. And that's with no apostrophe! Amy Poehler: In an Idaho WalMart, a woman spewed pepper spray in a baby's face after getting in a fight with the infant's family. Details are sketchy right now, but it is apparent that the woman thought it was flashing a gang sign. (picture of baby sucking thumb) In a related story, Louise Woodward tried to get her pepper out by shaking it furiously. There were no injuries. Tina Fey: Last Friday, police were called about a possible gun at a middle school turned out to be nothing but a large burrito wrapped in tin foil. It should be noted that the dangerous food product if borrowed from other kids, could give each other "cooties." In the meantime, Automatic Weapon Day at the middle school down the street went off with a hitch with only twelve people shot and no serious injuries. Amy Poehler: Vincent Pastore was offered a plea bargain Thursday for allegedly beating his girlfriend. Pastore is most notable on "The Sopranos" playing the character of...um...what is it he plays? I forgot. It's been so long. Daytime talk show host Montel Williams urged Congress to allow sick people to get medicinal marijuana without fear of being persecuted. Williams may be on the right track, since it takes A LOT of marijuana if one watches his show. Tina Fey: In a recent health study this week it was announced that an increase of Vitamin C can stop the effects of unborn babies. So Moms to be, head down to the store pick up some menthols and flintstone's chewables, lord knows I will. Amy Poehler: In New Zealand this week cinema owners have begun talking about adding mobile phone jammers to their theaters in order to stop all cell phone usage during films. Finally we can shut up that "Can you hear me now" bastard from those commercials, I hate that guy. Tina Fey: This week several German lawmen are trying to enact a law that would make it illegal for people to smoke while they are driving. That's right ladies and gentlemen you didn't hear me wrong, Germans are trying to do something good. Amy Poehler: A boy in England this week was shocked when he opened up a box of cereal and found a two foot snake inside. After this incident Frosted Flakes was ordered to change its slogan from "They're grreat!" to "You thought a human finger in Wendy's chili was bad just wait until you open this thing." Tina Fey: In Bangladesh a woman has decided to sell one of her eyes in order to receive help for herself and her family. Sadly enough they didn't give her a pirate eye patch. Amy Poehler: In entertainment news this week Paris Hilton announced that she wants to have children soon. Now we here at Weekend Update realize many of you here are shaking your heads in disgust so we invited a handful of our audience members to beat the crap out of this blowup doll resembling Paris Hilton. (A blow up doll is brought out as a handful of audience members come out and beat the living hell out of the doll.) Tina Fey: This week in Texas lawmakers approved a bill that would make it illegal for cheerleaders to perform "overtly sexual suggestive" dances at high school events. The penalty for this law: electrocution. Amy Poehler: 3 types of snails that were once thought to be extinct were found this week in Birmingham Alabama. We would have more to tell you about this story but all the reporters at the press conference were bored into a coma. Tina Fey: In other news, it seems that little Timmy was- (Horatio Sanz enters) Horatio Sanz: YEAH, WOO! Mucho gusto, mucho Gusto. Arriba, Por Favor. Cinco De Mayo. Woo!! Amy Poehler: Horatio, come wait. It’s not Horatio Sanz: Corona, corona. Corona for everyone! WOO, ay ay ay, arriba! Tina Fey: Horatio, today’s not Cinco de Mayo Horatio Sanz: My my My (a beat) Corona (sings to the tune of My Sharona) Amy Poehler: God, Horatio is still drunk from Thursday Horatio Sanz: Huh, what. Tina Fey: Today is the 7th of May. Horatio Sanz: Oh, uh well, I thought it would be awesome. I could finally embrace my Hispanic heritage. I wouldn’t have to do anymore annoying commentaries. Amy Poehler: You just wanted to get drunk and party it up a little bit longer Horatio Sanz: Yeah. Who cares if it’s siete de Mayo. Fiesta!!! (festive siesta music pots up. Some random marachis start to crowd around Horatio and play.) Tina Fey: Feliz Siete de Mayo. Amy Poehler: Por Weekend Update. Soy Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: Soy Tina Fey. Tina/Amy/Horatio: Buenas Noches y Tiene una manana buena. [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
