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Bob Sampo.....Chris Parnell Angela Hartigan.....Rachel Dratch Steve Walmart.....Johnny Knoxville Rick Franklin.....Seth Meyers (The scene begins with two people sitting behind a desk in front of a banner that says "No Wal-marts!" There is a speech table located right next to the desk. A man walks up to the podium.) Bob: Hello ladies and gentlemen, for those of you who don't know my name is Bob Sampo, and I am sure you all know why you are here tonight. (The crowd reacts with loud cheering.) Bob: That's right we are all here to stop the people from Wal-Mart from building a store in our community. We all know that the Wal-Mart Corporation is nothing but a cauldron of pure evil sent from the deepest and darkest bowels of hell, right ladies and gentlemen! (The crowd reacts with loud cheering.) Bob: Now I could talk to you people about the many ways that Wal-Mart is evil but I know none of you could be completely convinced by cold hard statistics so I thought it best to have some people tell you their stories about the Wal-Mart. First up this evening I would like to introduce Angela Hartigan, a former employee of Wal-Mart. (Bob leaves the stage and Angela, a rather elderly woman comes up to the stand.) Angela: Thank you Bob. I worked at the Wal-Mart for over 40 years and I feel it has raped every facet of my personal life. Back in the early years of Wal-Mart their were certain types of people that we weren't allowed to let in, here let me show you. (Angela takes out a graph showing different shades of brown.) Angela: As you can see here, there was a certain type of people that the Wal-Mart told us to never let in. If they ever reached the darker zone, we were ordered to tell them that they weren't at the Wal-Mart or that they were just having a reefer induced hallucination. If for some reason that didn't work we were forced to take them into the back room, woman or man, and give them a hot lap dance. The only good thing that came out of that was for a couple of years I was living it up better than a first class Vegas whore. Then about 10 years later when the lap dance policy was revoked I found out I had hip damage and would be forced to undergo hip surgery. I now make a living these days by getting people to pay me to put my breasts back into my shirt. This is why we must stop the Wal-Mart from coming here. You don't want your children growing up to be so trashy they can't even give it away. Thank you. (Angela leaves the stand as Bob Sampo returns to it.) Bob: Well thank you Angela that was very educational. Well you might be saying to yourself "Bob we've heard enough we are going to vote against the Wal Mart!" But just to make sure you do I would like you all to hear another story from Rick Franklin, former owner of Franklin's Fix-it shop, Rick. (Bob leaves the podium and Rick, a middle aged man.) Rick: Thanks Bob. Now you have all heard how Wal-Mart has destroyed its employees, but you haven't heard how it affects local business. I was making a nice little profit at my store until the Wal-Mart moved in next door. The bastards not only took away my core customer base but they started harassing me twenty four hours a day. When they first came in, they offered me a job as a greeter so I could shut down. When that didn't work they decided to throw bricks through my store window. The police never had enough evidence to convict the Wal-marts but I just know it was them. Then came the late night phone calls. They would call up on the phone and leave threatening messages. At first I thought it was just my wife as we are into some really kinky stuff in the bedroom but when I found out it wasn't, well I was just outraged. Now, thanks to Wal-Mart, my store is gone and I have many mental problems which include hatred of people of all colors and creed. In fact that's all I can say about this you middle class Wasps aggggh! (Rick starts losing it as Bob goes up to drag him away from the podium. After Bob takes care of him he returns to the podium himself.) Bob: Well as you can all see Wal-Mart is the spawn of Satan and if we allow it to take over our neighborhood we too will be engulfed in its flames and subjected to a torture the type of which neither man or beast has ever- Steve: Hold on just one second! (A man walks up to the podium and tries to take it over. Bob: Now who the hell are you? Steve: My name is Steve Walmart, heir to the Wal-mart fortune, and I would like the opportunity to defend my name and company. Bob: All right, I will be fair go ahead. Steve: Bob, ladies and gentlemen, now I will not lie to you, Wal-mart is a very competitive company and we will pretty much do whatever it is we have to in order to get More money. Now sure a few people here have been hurt by the Wal-marts that have come into this area, and yes we have done a lot of illegal things in order to gain the upper hand in the business world, and yes the moment we can we will replace all of our employees with highly intelligent cyborgs who don't require money. Although what all of you have forgotten is that we do all of this for you. It's because of this that we are able to offer you the lowest prices in the world. Right now Wal-mart is selling 12 packs of toilet paper for only 1.99. You also don't have to shop with your kids, just leave them at our McDonald's we have inside and go about your shopping. In fact, I bet there are a whole bunch of great deals going at the Wal-mart across the county line, let's go everybody! (All of the people in the audience stand up and follow Steve out as Bob tries to keep them from leaving.) Bob: No stop, Wal-mart is evil, EVIL! (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
