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Woman.....Rachel Dratch Man.....Chris Parnnell Announcer1.....Johnny Knoxville Announcer2…..Finesse Mitchell Wallace…..Will Forte Jamie.....Seth Meyers Wallace’s Mom.....Maya Rudolph Wallace’s Dad.....Kenan Thompson Ref.....Darrell Hammond Police.....Horatio Sanz [Scene: Cut to a scene with Man and Woman. Caption on bottom of screen reads ‘Galaxy Satellite's Misogyny TV Preview ends in :30. The number continues to countdown.] Woman: Pfff, how could I ever love you. You disgust me! Man: Oh really? (reaches down the front of his pants) What if I showed you… [Woman gets disgusted look on face.] Man: (pulling a big wad of cash out of his ‘Wallet-Wear’. Waving money in woman’s face. Smugly.)This. Woman: Oh Kevin...I’ve always loved you! [Man looks into camera and smiles as woman embraces him. At that very moment scene changes. A loud sports tv like sound bombards the senses as the screen suddenly reads ‘WUSS TV’ and ‘Feel good about yourself’. Caption on bottom of screen reads ‘Galaxy Satellite's Wuss TV Preview ends in 4:00.] Announcer1: And we are back. This is gonna be big, big like Delta Burke’s bottom. Announcer2: Hey now, that’s highly inappropriate Jimmy. Announcer1: I didn’t say it was a bad thing Don. Did you know that boobies get bigger as a woman gains weight? Announcer2: I guess I did Jimmy. Announcer1: As soon as I found out, I got my wife to stop Atkins and convinced her to go on Fatkins. All carbs, all the time! Oh baby. Big bottom equals big boobies and that’s alright by me, Don. Announcer2: Alright...well, maybe we should get back to the show. Announcer1: I’d love to. I was just defending my comments Don. Announcer2: Alright. Announcer1: You’re the one with the fat issue, not me. Announcer2: Fair enough. Announcer1: Address any hate mail to Don McKenzie, 801 Smithdale Drive, Santa Rosa California. Annoucer2: You just gave out my home address on the air Jimmy. Announcer1: That I did Don, but that’s neither here nor there as our contestants make their way to the arena of combat. Announcer2: You and I are going to have a long talk after this. But for now, let’s go down to the action as Wallace ‘The Bed Wetter’ Smith and Jamie ‘The tattle-tale’ Wilkins enter the Dodecahedron of Doom. [Cut to Wallace and Jamie standing in a ring. The atmosphere is supposed to be like that stupid ‘Ultimate Fighting Championship’ thing.] Announcer1: (voiceover)Yes, and our Dodecahedron of Doom is a very unique construct. It’s the only one of it’s kind in the world. Announcer2: (voiceover)Absolutely Jimmy. You’ll notice it has only four sides. It’s the ONLY dodecahedron in existence that has four sides. Announcer1: (voiceover)It is truly an engineering marvel. Announcer2: (voiceover)Alright, it looks like they are ready to go at it. [Wallace and Jamie are dressed like UFC competitors. They’re standing in a boxing like stance.] Announcer1: (voiceover)That bell means our match is underway... [Wallace and Jamie appear to feel each other out.] Announcer2: (voiceover)This will not be pretty. Both these competitors are seasoned veterans. Announcer1: (voiceover)Absolutely, they are both coming into the ring with perfect 0-21 records. Those with weak stomachs should change the channel now... [Wallace and Jamie suddenly go from boxing stance to silly slap fighting.] Announcer2: (voiceover)And it’s on! It is on now! [Wallace and Jamie are slap fighting and suddenly Wallace falls to the ground in pain.] [Cut back to Announcer1 and Announcer2.] Announcer1: Wallace is down. Wallace is down. It looks like he is clutching his knuckle. Announcer2: Let’s check the slow motion replay. [Cut back to Wallace and Jamie. They reenact things in slow motion.] Announcer1: (voiceover)There it is, clearly there was some knuckle to knuckle action in that slap and that’s what took out Wallace. Wallace is in a lot of pain. [Cut back to Announcer1.] Announcer1: The ref is calling this one. Wilkins wins! Wilkins wins! [Cut back to Wallace and Jamie who both look sad. The Ref is consoling them by rubbing their arms. Cut back to Announcer1.] Announcer1: Wow, that was really one of those ‘Do you remember where you were then?’ moments. We now go down to the floor with Don, who is standing by for some interviews. (covering his mic)That’s Don McKenzie, the man who hates fat people. (into mic)Don, can you hear me? [Cut to Announcer2 standing beside Wallace’s Mom and Wallace’s Dad.] Announcer2: Yes, I can and I am standing here with Wallace’s mom and dad. What did you guys think of the fight? Wallace’s Mom: I thought it was barbaric. My poor baby. Why does he do this to himself! Wallace’s Dad: (shaking his head)It was embarrassing. I worked for 3 months, teaching him to make a fist and he just got in there and forgot everything I taught him. I’m very ashamed right now. [Enter Wallace.] Wallace: My hand hurts! Wallace’s Dad: (to Wallace)You’re adopted. Wallace: Mom! Wallace’s Mom: Maurice! How could you? Wallace’s Dad: I get nothing but flak from the guys at the plant. I just want it known that he is not the fruit of my genetic heritage. [Wallace’s Mom comforts Wallace.] Announcer2: Wow, that is somewhat of a bombshell. I guess those Internet rumors were true. Jimmy. [Cut back to Announcer1.] Announcer1: Wow. Any word from the winner? [Cut back to Announcer2.] Announcer2: Yes, he’s joining me now. Jamie, Jamie can I get a word with you. [Jamie and Ref enter.] Jamie: What? Announcer2: How do you feel about your victory here tonight? Jamie: Well, it was my first win and...I’m scared! [Ref consoles him.] Ref: His parents couldn’t come tonight. His sister had a flute recital. Jamie: I hate her! [Police enters.] Police: We received a report from a Jamie Wilkins, that he was being threatened by someone. Jamie: (pointing towards Wallace’s Dad)It was him. He was shaking his fist at me! Wallace’s Dad: What? No, officer, this is a mistake. I was waving my fist at my son. Trying to get him to make a fist. Tell them, son. Wallace: Don’t call me son, you’re not my dad! Police: Alright sir, I’m afraid you’ll have to come with us. Announcer2: Well Jimmy, I’m sure you’ll agree that this has been an eventful evening. [scenes cut to whoever is talking] Announcer1: Indeed Don. Now Don, would you say Wallace’s skinny mom was a hottie? Announcer2: I’m not going to comment on that Jimmy. Announcer1: Is it because she’s too fat for you Don? Announcer2: If anything she’s too skinny Jimmy, if that makes you happy. Maruice’s Mom: Hey, are you talking about me? Are you saying I’m too skinny? Here hold this. [Maurice’s Mom gives Maurice her purse and then starts punching Announcer2 with UFC style punches. They exit screen and leave Maurice holding the purse.] Anouncer1: I knew it. I knew it. Don loves the big boobies. [Time runs out and we cut to a screen with a game of Pac-man filling the screen. The Caption reads ‘Galaxy Satellite's Watch Me Play Pac-Man All Day TV preview ends in 4:00’. Inky catches pac-man as we hear a voice-over by Will Forte say ‘Dammit!’] [Fade Out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
