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Rachel.....Rachel Dratch Mya.....Maya Rudolph Willhelm.....Will Ferrell Michael.....Fred Armisen Jimmy.....Rob Riggle Mary.....Amy Poehler [Scene: An art class. Each student is sitting in front of a piece of art on an easel. Mya and Rachel sit next to each other. Rachel continues to work on her painting.] Mya: So, how are you liking the class so far? Rachel: Good, even though the teacher is a bit strange. Hey check it out, after the first class I was so inspired that I used up all my sick days, took a week off, and made this. Mya: Wow, that's really beautiful. Rachel: Thanks. I talked to a gallery owner friend of mine and she said she'd put it on display once I'm done! Mya: That is so wonderful. Congratulations. Rachel: Thanks. I really feel special. [Enter Willhelm] Willhelm: Your lives now have meaning. Willhelm Flanmeister is in your presence again. Good day to you. I will now walk amongst you and critique your work. Give me your name, because goodness knows I don't remember it from last class, the name of your work and then shut up. Cower if you must but know that I find it unbecoming, even if appropriate. Michael: Hi, I'm Michael. I call it 'Unibrow'. Willhelm: He only has one eye, what the hell? Michael: Well, it's a cyclops...it's just fun. Unibrow...cyclops...it makes you stop and think. And hopefully giggle a bit. Willhelm: Yes...yes...it makes me think. It makes me think...'gee, I wish I had a bucket to vomit in.' Yes, then I'd take that vomit and ingest it so that I might vomit it up a second time. Then I'd take that regurgitated vomit and throw it onto your canvas and turn it into something that doesn't make me want to shoot a 4 inch piece of steel through my genitalia with a high powered nail gun. (fixed gaze) Jessie, I have never hated a man more than I hate you right now. [Willhelm and Michael keep looking at each other in the eye.] Michael: My name's Michael. Willhelm: I don't care. I despise you, Jessie. [Willhelm walks away and moves to Jimmy.] Jimmy: I'm Jimmy and...well...it's basically a reproduction of one of my favorite Far Sides. Willhelm: Sweet, I love Far Sides. Very nice. [Willhelm quickly moves over to Mary.] Willhelm: Well hello Mary. Mary: Hi, my name is....well I guess you know it. I call mine 'Daffodils in the Park'. Willhelm: Ah yes Daffodils. Daff o dils. Say Mary, did you pay the class fee yet? Mary: Yes, yes I did. Willhelm: Really? Because my records seem to indicate otherwise. Mary: Weird, it must be a mistake. Willhelm: A mistake? No, I'd say a mistake would be getting knocked up and having to raise a child without a father. Mary: Hey watch it. If you recall, I told you last class I was a single mother! Willhelm: Yes, a mother of three bastard children. Whore! Mary: I was married when I had them and my husband left me if you must know! Willhelm: I can't satisfy my husband. Thanks for sharing. Mary: I was a great wife. Willhelm: Of course you were, and you're a great mother too, here, taking some art class while your three kids are at home by themselves, doing illicit drugs and watching HBO. Mary: I don't need to sit here and take this! [Mary grabs her stuff and gets ready to leave.] Mary: I just wanted one hour a week for myself...thanks for ruining that! [Mary exits, Willhelm looks a bit embarrassed. Willhelm moves on to Mya.] Mya: Uh...my name is Mya and my painting is titled... Willhelm: (placing his finger over her mouth) Killer bees. It should be called 'Killer Bees'. Mya: I...I don't understand. Willhelm: Looking at your painting reminds me that man has such great power for good but too often that power is used to create something vile and destructive that was never meant to exist. Like this painting. This painting, like the killer bee, is an abomination of man. [Willhelm moves over to Rachel] Rachel: Hi, I'm Rachel and this is 'Pull out the Bolt.' Willhelm: Wow. This is fantastic. It's really good. Rachel: Wow, thanks. I'm almost done. Willhelm: I mean this is really good. In all my years teaching I have never seen anything this good. Mind if I bring it to the back room for a second? Rachel: No...go ahead...I guess. [Willhelm disappears with painting for a moment.] Willhelm: (offscreen) Oh yeah. Oh you like that? You like that? Yeah, you're a naughty piece of art aren't you. You like need some special attention from teacher don't you. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Now I'm gonna pull out the bolt. Uh uh uh. [Willhelm returns with painting. There is fresh paint matching the painting colors on his crotch area. There are some smudgings on the painting.] Rachel: What did you do to my painting? Willhelm: (oblivious to paint on his crotch) Nothing. Why do you ask? [A beat] Mya: (interjecting herself into the conversation) Look, you obviously did SOMETHING. The painting is all smudged. Willhelm: Why would I want to smudge up her painting? Mya: I don't know, maybe you're jealous...or just some kind of weird pervert. And another thing, I don't appreciate how you treated Mary. In fact, I think I might lodge a formal complaint against you! [Willhelm begins to cry] Willhelm: Don't you see? Isn't it obvious? I love Mary! Mya: What? Willhelm: I love that woman I just...I'm not good with emotions. I wanted to tell her I loved her but instead I called her a whore. I wanted to be Rhett Butler to her Scarlett O'Hara but instead I became Dan Quayle to her Murphy Brown. Mya: Okay, well, what about the painting? Willhelm: Oh don't you see. Things didn't go well with Mary and instead of trying to make it right I hooked up with the first piece of slut art I could find. (attacking Rachel's painting and smashing it to pieces)WHY. AM. I. SUCH. A. FOOL! [There is silence as Rachel, Mya and Willhelm survey the damage.] Willhelm: Uhh...sorry about that. It was honestly very good. You've got some real talent. Rachel: Thanks... Willhelm: But enough of this. I must go and find Mary. Wait for me my love. (stopping to look at a student's work along the way) Terrible. It's like Bill Maher on canvas. Seriously, it's horrible. If you're still here when I get back, I'm gonna kick your a** for this. (changing mood) Wait Mary, your love is in pursuit of thee! [Willhelm leaves. Mya and Rachel examine her smashed up painting.] Mya: So...I hear they offer a creative writing course as well. Rachel: I'm in. Let's go. [Fade Out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
