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Andy.....Will Forte Collins.....Kenan Thompson Harris.....Seth Meyers Boss.....Will Ferrell Cop.....Darrell Hammond [ open on interior, sales office, novice salesman Andy's desk. He speaks nervously into the phone. ] Andy: Yes, hello Mr. Kruger. This is Andy Johnson with Wentworth Company. We spoke about a week ago, regarding your possible order from our company. I trust you've received our promotional video? [ pause ] You have! Then you know how reliable our product is. I believe you stated in our previous call that you were planning to order one thousand of those units, is my memory correct? [ a beat ] Oh. You've decided to place your order with Stratton & Associates. Well, perhaps you'll keep us in mind during your third financial quarter. [ a beat ] Hello? [ hangs up the phone ] Oh, no.. Collins: What did you do, Andy? Andy: I lost the Kruger account! Collins: You did what?! Harris: Dammit, Andy! Collins: You'll be lucky if your job's the only thing you lost. Harris: No kidding. when Wentworth hears about this, he's gonna shit a brick. Andy: [ shaking ] Come on, guys, cover for me! What'll I do?! [ suddenly, Mr. Wentworth enters ] Mr. Wentworth: Good morning, gentlemen. Did everyone have as good a weekend as me? Of course, you didn't - you're all a bunch of flunkies. Harris: I played badminton this weekend, sir. Mr. Wentworth: Did you win? Harris: No, I lost - 5 to 3. Mr. Wentworth: Harris, you'll always be a loser. Andy, did you get in touch with Kruger Corporation? Our entire second quarter sales depends on his order. Andy: Well, sir.. I called him. Mr. Wentworth: Good job. How many is he ordering from us this quarter? Andy: Well.. not quite as many as last quarter, sir. Mr. Wentworth: Alright, but how many? Andy: Uh.. zero? Mr. Wentworth: Zero? [ begins to quiver ] Did you say zero? Andy: He said he's losing trust in our product. Mr. Wentworth: What.. did.. you.. do? Andy: Nothing, sir, I.. I mean.. he said he found a better price. [ Wentworth begins to wince in pain; he looks like he's about to explode ] Harris: Now, he did it. Wentworth is really going to shit a brick this time! Collins: Oh, man, I can't even bear to look. [ covers his eyes with his hands, then parts his fingers ] Well, maybe just a peek. [ Wentworth begins to hyperventilate; it's clear he's not well ] Andy: Kruger decided to place his order with Stratton & Associates, sir! [ Wentworth lets out a primal scream, as he doubles over in pain ] Mr. Wentworth: Andy, you idiot! You just cost us our biggest account! Yeee-aggghhh!! [ clutches his stomach ] Oh, my God! We're going belly-up for sure this time. Eeeeee-arrrgggghh!! [ begins to twitch his body in a violent manner ] Oh, God, I can feel it! I can feel it! [ in a dramatic style that brings Olivier to mind ] It lives within me! [ with one final, gurgling scream, Mr. Wentworth falls to the floor behind Andy's desk, quickly pulling his pants loose as he himself pants viciously, short of breath and severely dehydrated ] Andy: [ apprehensively ] Sir..? Are you alright..? Mr. Wentworth: I need water.. I need air.. [ a beat ] If you ever touch me again, I'll kill you. Oh, God.. [ Collins slowly steps forward ] Collins: Sir, did you really do it? Did you shit a brick? Mr. Wentworth: [ raises his head slowly; flushed ] I don't even want to look, Collins.. I don't even want to look! It felt like the damn trowel and barrel came right out with it. Collins: [ looking down ] Hey, why's it so shiny? Mr. Wentworth: What's that? [ bends over to examine his shit ] Why, I'll be damned. [ smiles ] Look at that! [ reaches behind desk and pulls up a gleaming gold bar ] I realy did shit a brick - and it's made of solid gold! [ the office staff gathers round to marvel at this amazing feat ] Harris: Do you think it's worth anything? Mr. Wentworth: It's a gold brick, genius. Why, I'll bet it's worth twice what we lost on the Kruger account. [ looks at Andy ] And I owe it all to you, Andy. Or, should I say - Mr. Company Vice-President. Andy: Really? You mean it, sir. Mr. Wentworth: I sure do, partner. If you can challenge my anger management skills and get me to pop one of these babies out every day, you bet your sweet ass I do! Andy: I think that's your sweet ass, sir! [ Andy and Mr. Wentworth laugh heartily ] [ dissolve to exterior, office building, one day later, as Wentworh enters the office ] Mr. Wentworth: Good morning, Andy! Ready to make us a profitable company for a change? Andy: [ gung-ho ] I'm ready, sir! I even found a new client. Ever hear of.. Microsoft? Mr. Wentworth: Let's not get off on a bad start, Andy. Your job now is to screw things up, thus enraging me so bad that I pop gold bricks out of that assembly line I call an ass. Andy: Alright.. [ thinking ] Well,in that case, you didn't let me finish. I called Microsoft.. and they ordered just one of our units, if I promised never to bother them again. Mr. Wentworth: [ his head twitches ] You blew the Microsoft account? That could have been our biggest cash cow. Andy, you fool! You incompetent, incompetent fool! Andy: Bill Gates said he was gonna sue us for harrassment - the sexual variety, if he has to. Mr. Wentworth: Oh, Christ! He'll find out about all the porn on my desktop! I think I'm gonna be sick! [ Wentworth tugs his pants loose and stumbles behind Andy's desk. He lets out another primal scream. ] Andy: How did we do? Mr. Wentworth: [ raises his head, holds up a dark-colored brick ] Something's not right. This is just an ordinary brick. I can't trade ordinary bricks on the open commodities market. I need gold bricks, Andy! Andy: Oh. Maybe your bowels knew I was bluffing? Mr. Wentworth: Or maybe Microsoft's not as strong you though it was. Remind me to sell all my stock in their company - and fast. Andy: Maybe I should try something else. What if I slept with your wife? [ Wentworth twitches ] I mean.. I did sleep with your wife! She said it was the best sex she's had since your penis developed Attention-Deficit Disorder! [ Wentworth again screams, and drops backward behind Andy's desk ] Mr. Wentworth: [ raises his head ] Crap. It's still just an ordinary brick. Maybe if I actually caught you in bed with my wife. You know, to heighten the effect. Andy: I'm game for that. Make sure she wears lingerie with tiger stripes. That really turns me on. Mr. Wentworth: Have you been in my wife's lingerie drawer? Andy: No! I mean.. yes. Harris and Collins told me she has quite the collection. Mr. Wentworth: Harris and Collins have been fooling around with my wife?! I'll kill them! [ began to pant viciously ] I think it's working.. [ Wentworth squats behind Andy's desk and screams like a wounded deer ] Mr. Wentworth: [ raises his head ] Damn! You're doing something seriously wrong, kid. [ holds up something small, yet golden ] This is a gold brick egg from Cadbury. And that foil wrapper was a doozy coming out. Andy: Maybe we're trying too hard, sir. You're just one man, you shouldn't be producing this much shit at one time. Mr. Wentworth: Andy, you've got diarrhea of the mouth. This is business. Now, make me a gold brick, or you're a dead man! [ adjusts his pants ] Andy: [ crying ] I can't do it, sir! I can't duplicate my success! I'm a one-hit pony! I'm in over my head! I wish I was back flipping burgers in Omaha! Mr. Wentworth: I want a gold brick! Andy: I can't do it, sir! I quit! Mr. Wentworth: Nobody quits on me, until I kill them first! [ Wentworth grabs Andy by the throat and wrestles him to the ground ] [ the doors burst open, as a cop rushes in ] Cop: Sting operation, Wentworth! You've killed your last flunkie! Mr. Wentworth: No! You don't understand! I want my gold brick! Cop: You'll have plenty of time for gold bricks where you're going. And good timing, too. Your cellmate's been feeling lonely ever since he accidentally sodomized his last cellmate to death. I have a feeling the two of you will get along just great. Mr. Wentworth: Nooooooooooooo!!!!! [ scene freezes ] Announcer: The anticipation of meeting his new cellmate caused Mr. Wentworth to shit several bricks in a row. And, guess what? They were all gold. Now, that's what we call irony! [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
