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Dr. Beardbrand.....Will Ferrell Betsy.....Fred Armisen Woman Patient.....Maya Rudolph Male Patient.....Seth Meyers Mother.....Tina Fey INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE DR. BEARDBRAND (Ferrell) sits behind desk. Dr. Beardbrand: (using speaker phone) Betsy…get in here! [Betsy (Armisen), a male, enters.] Betsy: Yes sir? Dr. Beardbrand: How’s my schedule lookin’ this afternoon? Betsy: You’ve…you’ve got several people waiting, sir. Dr. Beardbrand: Well, send ‘em in here…I ain’t got all day, dammit. Betsy: Yes sir. Dr. Beardbrand: Don’t yes sir me, Betsy…just do it! [Betsy turns around to walk out. He turns around when he gets to the door.] Betsy: (sighs) My name’s Bill, sir… Dr. Beardbrand: Whatever. Why don’t you get a man’s job, you fruity, fruity bastard! [Betsy, disdainful, exits. Woman patient (Rudolph) enters, takes a seat.] Woman Patient: Hello, doctor. I’m…I’ve been having trouble with, you know, passing things here lately. [Dr. Beardbrand begins shuffling through some papers.] Dr. Beardbrand: (appearing lost) Who…what’s your name, ma’am? Woman Patient: Mary…Mary Willis. I came in last week and we discussed options. Dr. Beardbrand: (cranky) Options? We discussed options? Woman Patient: (uneasily) Yes, uh…you said… Dr. Beardbrand: This seems pretty routine to me, lady. You’re having trouble passing food, correct? Woman Patient: (uneasily) Yes, but… Dr. Beardbrand: Well, I recommend a colonoscopy, ma’am…end of story. Next caller! Woman Patient: But, uh, do you think that… Dr. Beardbrand: (picks up a sheet of paper) I’m referring you to a guy downtown who does colonoscopies…his address is on the sheet. Now skedaddle! Go! [Woman patient takes sheet, exits hurriedly.] Dr. Beardbrand: (clicks speaker phone) Alright, Betsy…bring on the next vagrant! [Male patient (Meyers) enters, takes a seat.] Male Patient: (hoarse) Hello, Dr. Beardbrand. (coughs) Dr. Beardbrand: (sarcastically) Lemme guess why you’re here… Male Patient: Yeah, uh…I still got this cough, doc. Nothing seems to be working. Dr. Beardbrand: Well…we’ve tried nearly every conventional remedy to rid you of your affliction…that is, except for one. Male Patient: Which one is that, doc? Dr. Beardbrand: A colonoscopy. (picks up a sheet of paper, hands it to the patient) Take this to this proctologist downtown…addy is on the sheet…tell ‘em I sent ya. Male Patient: But…I have a cough! What’s this have to do with my… Dr. Beardbrand: (mocking simultaneously, completing his sentence) What does this have to do with my ass? Oh, I get it. A well-respected, community college-trained doctor gives a patient a referral, and what does he do? Wipe his ass with it! Male Patient: What? I mean, I’m just sayin’ that… Dr. Beardbrand: (interrupting) I’m busy! I don’t have time for this crap! (speaker phone) Next one, Betsy. [Male patient stands.] Male Patient: Well…I’ll leave now, I guess… Dr. Beardbrand: Oh, so you’re actually gonna leave? When did you think of that? (mocking him in “stupid” voice) Hey, I’m not going to live the rest of my life here, you know…I’m actually going to leave at some point! Male Patient: What? Dr. Beardbrand: Go!!! [Male patient walks out, miffed. A mother (Fey) hurries in and sits with a crying baby in her arms.] Mother: Doctor, doctor! It’s my baby! She is… Dr. Beardbrand: (completing her sentence) Awkward? Illegitimate? Gay? Mother: (irked, but still panicked) No!!! She’s…she’s got a very high temperature! Dr. Beardbrand: A temperature, eh? Let me see… [Dr. Beardbrand gets out of his chair and goes to feel the baby’s head for a couple seconds. Then, he sticks the end of a stethoscope to the child’s forehead for a few more.] Dr. Beardbrand: It’s all clear to me now…you’re baby’s dying. Mother: (panicked) Oh my god!!! No!!! Dr. Beardbrand: (mock urgency) The only thing that’ll save her is a colonoscopy! (picks up a sheet of paper, hands it to her) Now, get that idiot spawn out of my sight! [She snatches the paper, runs out.] Betsy V/O: (via speakerphone) Dr. Beardbrand…do you want me to send in another patient? Dr. Beardbrand: Oh, drat! How many’s out there, Betsy? Betsy V/O: (hesitates, as if counting) Uh…I think there’s… Dr. Beardbrand: (interrupting angrily) Who cares! Send ‘em all in! [Three individuals (extras) come into his office.] Dr. Beardbrand: Ok, one at a time…let’s go, people! (points to a woman) You! Woman: I’ve got terrible premenstrual cramps. Dr. Beardbrand: Colonoscopy! (points to an old man) You! Old Man: I’m having trouble with my arthritis. I need a new prescription for… Dr. Beardbrand: (interrupting) Colonoscopy! (points to younger man) And you, you slimy, slick, sick son of a bitch! Younger Man: (surprised, timid) I…I have a headache. Dr. Beardbrand: (interrupting) Colonoscopy…then kill yourself! That’s it…everyone out! [Everyone exits. Dr. Beardbrand clicks on speakerphone.] Dr. Beardbrand: Betsy, you jerk! Betsy V/O: Yes, doctor? Dr. Beardbrand: Clear out the rest of my afternoon. I gotta go downtown and…(applies really fake-looking moustache) pretend I’m a proctologist. [Dr. Beardbrand gets up hurriedly and jumps out his ground-floor window to exit as the screen fades to black.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
