|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Stepdad.....Will Ferrell Mom.....Maya Rudolph Jeff.....Jason Sudeikis Mike.....Will Forte [ open on exterior, suburban house ] [ dissolve to interior, suburban living room, as a disheveled-looking man rolls up to a desk in his wheelchair ] Stepdad: [ muttering to himself ] Alright, you bastards, let's see how much you're gonna squeeze me for this year. [ removes papers from his lap and drops them on the desk ] [ his wife enters room ] Mom: Honey, I'm going to the store. Do you need anything? Stepdad: Oh. Come to think of it, I'm out of deodorant. No use smelling like a horse. Thank you, honey. Mom: No problem. Keep an eye on the kids, alright? Stepdad: Whoa, wait. Time out. I have to finish my state taxes by Monday, seeing as I'm the breadwinner of the family despite my disability. You keep an eye on the kids. Alright? Mom: Honey, you know the boys have been banned from every store in town because of vandalism. Stepdad: Freakin' hell! [ sighs ] Well, make sure they stay out in the yard with all the other wild animals, because this is very important. [ waves his tax papers in the air ] I'm not getting audited over you, your kids, or anybody else. Mom: They'll behave themselves, Tom. [ yells offscreen ] Kids, I'm going to the store! Don't bother your stepdad! Stepdad: Oh, that's real smart, Connie. Taunt the enemy! [ his wife shakes her head before she exits the house ] Stepdad: [ mutters to himself ] Thanks a lot. See if I claim you as a dependent next year. [ scribbles on his tax forms ] Alright, let's see, where am I? State Tax Withheld. Let me check my W-2 form. [ suddenly, a football bounces across the desktop ] Stepdad: What the hell?!! That football does not belong in this house! [ the two stepsons, Jeff and Mike run into the room ] Jeff: Hey, cool down, old man. That one spiraled right through the open window. Mike: It was so cool. I bet him ten dollars he couldn't do it, but whattaya know! Jeff: Pay up, sucker! Mike: [ reaches into his pocket, then stops ] Double or nothing says you can't do it two in a row. Jeff: Oh, I don't think so! Mike: Chicken! [ begins to cluck like a chicken, as Jeff laughs ] Stepdad: [ pounds the desk ] Hey! You will take that outside, or I'm gonna have to pull rank on you! Mike: Ah, pull this. [ rubs his crotch ] Stepdad: [ incredulous ] You dare to challenge me?! Jeff: Hey. Old man. You think we're afraid of you? You're nothing to us. It's like you don't even exist! Mike: I could tie both hands behind my back and roll myself into a ball, and I could still kick your ass! Stepdad: [ fuming ] You say it like you mean it, or I will tear you limb for limb! I'm your father, dammit! Jeff: You're not our real dad. You're only our stepfather. Mike: So, step off! You have no authority over us. Stepdad: Yeah, buster? Well, your mom gave me the authority to discipline you as I see fit if you dare to disobey me while I'm doing my taxes! Mike: Taxes, huh? Say, hasn't our government been talking a lot lately about some new tax cuts we'll be getting? [ rips Stepdad's tax sheets in two ] Oops! There's one now! [ Mike and Jeff laugh and high-five one another ] Stepdad: You bastard! I may not be your father, but when I get my hands on you I'm gonna lay you across my knee and turn your ass red! And don't think it's gonna hurt me more than it hurts you, because I don't have any feeling in my body from the waist down! Jeff: Does that include the penis? Mike: No wonder Mom cries herself to sleep every night! Stepdad: Leave my penis out of this! Jeff: I thought it already was! [ Jeff and Mike laugh and high-five one another ] Mike: Hey, Stepdad, why don't you come outside and play a little touch football with us? Stepdad: I'm not even going to justify that comment with a response. Jeff: No, we're serious. Go long! [ throws the football at Stepdad's face ] Dude, you were wide open! Stepdad: [ rubbing his nose ] I'm not asking you, I'm telling you: Get the hell out of my house! Mike: [ makes a menacing pose ] Make us! Stepdad: [ fuming ] You do as I say, or you'll be sorry! Don't make me have to get out of this chair! Jeff: You're all talk and no action, old man. [ bends his knees and mimes rolling a wheelchair ] "Ooh, I'm coming to get yoooouu!" Mike: [ laughing ] Yeah! If you're gonna talk the talk, you gotta walk the walk. Stepdad: That's it! [ Stepdad slowly leans forward in his chair, determined like hell to stand on on his own two feet and kick his stepsons' asses. He grunts and he squints as he attempts to free himself of his two-wheeled prison. ] Stepdad: [ sweating ] Oh, you'd better run.. because when I catch you, I'm putting you in the ground! [ triumphantly, Stepdad pulls himself out of the chair and onto his feet, but only for a nanosecond as he collapses to the floor on his face and groans ] Jeff: Hey, you think I got time to go to the bathroom before we get started with this melee? Stepdad: [ sprawled horizontal across the floor ] Don't you go any where! When I get my hands on you -- Mike: You're nothing, old man! The only way you're gonna catch us is if you lie on a skateboard! [ Mike and Jeff laugh and high-five one another ] Stepdad: [ screams with his arms outstretched and flailing ] I'll rip your throats out! Jeff: You know what, old man? You lose! Fun's over, now it's time to get to business. [ with that, Jeff begins to kick Stepdad all around his legs and in the crotch. Stepdad's body flinches mildly, but he takes it. ] Mike: [ to Jeff ] Hey, man, what do you think you're doing, are you insane? [ a beat ] He has no feeling down there. Bash him in the face, where it's gonna count. Stepdad: No, not the face! I'll do anything you say! Jeff: Too late, old man. You had your chance. [ to Mike ] On the count of three, okay? Jeff & Mike: [ together ] 1.. 2.. 3! [ cut to exterior, suburban house, the echoing sounds of Stepdad getting beaten to a pulp like Tom taking abuse from Jerry, as we fade out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
