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...Chris Parnell ...Horatio Sanz ...Will Ferrell ...Darrell Hammond ...Lorne Michaels ...Don Pardo [SCENE: Backstage. Chris Parnell and Horatio Sanz are standing outside of the host's dressing room.] Chris Parnell: Yeah, I totally think a crossover movie could work. Merv the Perv meets Chub Hotty at the YMCA, and hilarity ensues. We could call it "The Battle of the Bulges." Or "Merv the Perv Finally Gets Himself a Chub." Horatio Sanz: (laughing) That's totally awesome, dude! I bet Lorne will greenlight it if we can get a script together! [Suddenly, a commotion can be heard from off-camera.] Chris Parnell: (confused) What's going on? Horatio Sanz: (looks off-camera) Uh oh, I think Will is giving Darrell a hard time again. Chris Parnell: Which Will? Horatio Sanz: The one who plays Bush. Chris Parnell: (confused) Uh... Horatio Sanz: (annoyed) The one hosting the show tonight. (shouting) C'mon! Let's check it out! [Chris Parnell and Horatio Sanz run down the hallway and find Will Ferrell at the receptionist's desk yelling at Darrell Hammond.] Will Ferrell: What's that? You're gonna be a baby? (looks around) Hey, everyone, look at the baby! Darrell Hammond: (pleading) Please, Will, stop it! Will Ferrell: No! Not until you listen to me! You've had a great ride but it's time for you to finally get off the show!! Horatio Sanz: Will, what the hell are you doing? Will Ferrell: (completely calm) Oh, nothing. Just yelling at this loser! Horatio Sanz: (confused) Loser? (insisting) Darrell's not a loser! Will Ferrell: Yes, he is! He's been on this show for ten years and he refuses to leave! He could make a fortune doing stand-up across the country, but he's still here trotting out the same old impressions! (to Darrell) Hell, all of your impressions are just blending together now! I can't tell your Bill Clinton from your Chris Matthews, so get off the show! Horatio Sanz: C'mon, Will, leave him alone! Will Ferrell: (shouting) Don't you start with me, Mr. I'll Ruin Every Sketch by Laughing and Screwing Up My Lines! It was funny when Jimmy was still on the show, but what's your excuse now, huh? I'll give you one more year to bone up and then I'm coming after you! Got that? Horatio Sanz: (meekly) Yes, sir. Will Ferrell: What was that? I didn't hear you! Horatio Sanz: (slightly louder) Yes, sir. Will Ferrell: (satisfied) Good. (calms down and turns his attention back to Darrell) Look, Darrell, be a good performer and get off the show. You're stealing the limelight from people. I mean, Rob Riggle should have played Dr. Phil last month instead of you. Did you know that he's in therapy now trying to deal with that? If you don't want that on your conscience, be a good boy and get off the show, okay? Darrell Hammond: (stammering) But... Horatio Sanz: (pleading) Darrell, why don't you just do what Will says and get off the show? C'mon, buddy. Darrell Hammond: But I don't want to... Will Ferrell: (shouting) Get off the damn show right now or else I'll glue your Dick Cheney wig to your head permanently! I have super-glue and I am not afraid to use it! No sir! Chris Parnell: (interrupting) Will, you've got to stop this. We have a show to do! Will Ferrell: It's for his own good, Chris. (points at himself) Look at me! I left the show, and now I'm a multibillionaire! I star in seven hit movies a year and I run my own Chinese food franchise, not to mention I started my own clothing line, Ferrell's Freaky Frocks. (points at Darrell) Unlike some people! So, Darrell, I just need you to be a buddy and get off the show, okay? Darrell Hammond: (pleading) But I want the money... Will Ferrell: (surprised) What did you say? Did you just talk back to me? I swear, I'm gonna take that Yankees cap of yours and set it on fire! (pause) While you're wearing it! Chris Parnell: Will, calm down! You're missing the point! It doesn't always turn out well for people once they leave the show! Look at Patrick Weathers! Will Ferrell: (confused) Who? Chris Parnell: Exactly! Hell, look at me! I got fired and winded up doing bit parts in sitcoms and starring in a movie about aliens that had a budget smaller than Michael Jackson's testosterone level! I'm grateful that I was able to blackmail my way back onto the show! I'm never leaving now! I'm going to ride this train until we run out of track! Will Ferrell: (confused) Blackmail? Chris Parnell: (waves his hand dismissively) Never mind that. Listen, all I'm saying is that you should cut Darrell some slack. He's certainly earned it. Let him leave when he wants. Will Ferrell: I'm surprised you're going to bat for him. Didn't he swipe the Bush impression from you after you replaced me? Chris Parnell: (remembering) You know something, you're right! (shouting) Get off the show, Darrell! Get off right now! You robbed me of my job security! Give other people a chance to shine! Will Ferrell: (shouting) Yeah! Half of your impressions aren't even useful anymore! Nobody wants to see another Donald Trump sketch! [Lorne Michaels walks up the group] Lorne Michaels: What in the world is going on here? Will Ferrell: Oh, nothing, Lorne. (points at Darrell) I'm just trying to get this baby off the show. Lorne Michaels: (sighs) This again? Look, Will, I can't afford for Darrell to leave. Sure, he only works two days a week and only appears in two sketches per show. And sure he makes the most money out of everyone even though he can't do anything other than impressions. And, of course, he does break character on a regular basis now, but none of that is important. What's important is that the audience likes to tune in to watch performers that have been around for a while. Why do you think I kept Tim Meadows on for so long? Because of his talent? (laughs) Hell no. Will Ferrell: (understanding) Oh. I think I get it now. Thanks, Lorne. (to Darrell) I'm sorry, Darrell. Darrell Hammond: It's okay. Lorne Michaels: (pause) On the other hand, Will, I'd dump Darrell in a heartbeat if you were to rejoin the cast. Will Ferrell: (intrigued) Really? Hmmm... Darrell Hammond: (to Lorne) You can't do that! He already left! He can't come back! Chris Parnell: Oh yeah, what about me? I left and came back! (looks at Darrell angrily) You know, I bet you had something to do with me getting fired, didn't you? (shouting) I'm going to castrate you and turn you into Darryl Hannah! Lorne Michaels: (sighs) Chris, stop. No one wants to see you do a pale imitation of Will's schtik ever again. Chris Parnell: (instantly calms down) Right. Sorry. Lorne Michaels: Good. Let's just get back to the show. The ratings are already going through the roof. I can't believe so many people tuned in to see Queens of the Stone Age. We'll have to book them once a year like Ben Affleck and Lindsay Lohan. (pause) Oh, Chris, before I forget, Paula's pilot got picked up, so you've got a job for the fall. Chris Parnell: (surprised) You mean it? (happily) Great! I'm finally done with this stupid show! I'm gonna go feel up the interns! [Chris Parnell runs off excitedly] Lorne Michaels: I'm actually using that pilot to get him off the show. I can't fire him again, so that's the closest thing to it. It'll air two episodes and then get canceled. If it worked with Tracy, it'll work with him. [The men all agree amongst themselves as Don Pardo walks by.] Don Pardo: (shouting happily) Hi, fellas! Will Ferrell: (notices Don Pardo) Don? (shouting) Pardo, get your ass back here! Thirty years isn't enough for you? You've gotta go for more? Get off the show! Let Alan Kalter or Joel Goddard have a turn! [Will Ferrell chases after Don Pardo] Lorne Michaels: (shaking his head disappointedly) I knew we should have gone with that Bush cold opening. (sighs) I guess it's up to me. (looks at the camera) Live From New York, It's Saturday Night. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
