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Spokesman... Will Ferrell Mayor... Darrell Hammond Mr. Heffner... Fred Armisen Mrs. Heffner... Maya Rudolph Announcer... Chris Parnell (open on a shaded woodland area, sunlight streaming through the trees. A well-dressed man [Ferrell] is standing in one of the streams of light, with a content expression on his face. He looks at the camera and smiles.) Spokesman: Ah, summer is finally here. The days are longer, warmer, and more enjoyable. It's the perfect time to take your family on a wonderful vacation. But where do you go when you want to have a good time while ensuring that you and your loved ones will be safe? (cut to the outskirts of a small town, some large buildings in the background. The Spokesman stands alongside a sign by the road reading "WELCOME TO MILFORD". He's resting his shoulder on the sign.) If you want a memorable vacation without any chance of danger or harm, then Milford, New Jersey is the perfect destination. For years, Milford has been considered the safest town in America; there's no crime, no drugs, no gun violence. As a matter of fact, this quaint little hamlet is so secure, its residents don't even feel the need to lock their doors. (cut again to the Spokesman standing before the gates to a rather luxurious house, obviously owned by very wealthy people.) That's right, no one in Milford bothers to lock their doors, even the owners of this fine estate. In a town with no crime, they're extremely confident that all of their priceless valuables are completely secure, that there's no chance some scoundrel could just open the door and make off with whatever he wants. (He pushes the gate open with one hand to demonstrate his point, and gives the camera a thumbs-up. He then takes a few steps to the left where he rests his hand on a silver luxury car.) The people of Milford feel so well protected that they even leave their keys in their cars. Anywhere else in America, some low-life punk would take advantage of their blind trust in safety by simply getting in their fine car and driving away. (He opens the door to the driver's side and gets in the seat.) But that would never happen here, would it? (He winks at the camera.) (cut to a well-furnished office room where the Spokesman is speaking with a man in a suit sitting behind a desk.) You may find this hard to believe, but Milford is so free from the risk of crime and violence, that it doesn't even have a police force. Isn't that right, Mr. Mayor? Mayor: That's correct, sir. Since there has been absolutely no criminal activity within the town of Milford for the past few decades, we found that it was unnecessary to keep the town's police active. It didn't make sense to have them working at a job where they had nothing to do. Spokesman: So, if, God forbid, some criminal enterprise were to come to this town and begin operations here, you'd be powerless to stop them. Mayor: Well, that's an, *ahem*, far-fetched scenario, I admit. But it is essentially true. Were some well-organized malcontents to come to our fair city, we'd be at their mercy. They'd have carte blanche to loot our town for whatever they wanted. Of course, *chuckle*, such a dark event is impossible here. (The Spokesman rubs his chin in contemplation) Spokesman: (in a semi-sneaky tone of voice) Interesting... (The Mayor gets up from behind his chair and looks at the Spokesman with a somewhat confused expression.) Mayor: Um, excuse me for asking, the Tourism Board didn't inform me that they'd be filming a commercial here today. Did they forget to notify me in advance? Spokesman: (with some growing nervousness) Uh, yeah... the tourism board... about that... (cut to the Spokesman standing in a well-lit living room, taking a plasma TV off the wall.) Yes, Milford is without a doubt the most secure town in the country. Life here is so enjoyable that its residents don't have a single bad word about it. Isn't that right, Mr. Heffner? (He turns his head to the left to address an off-screen individual) Mr. Heffner (VO): Oh yes, it's perfect here. (The camera quickly pans to the left to show the Heffners, a couple who are smiling happily despite the fact that they're tied up in wooden chairs. They are quite oblivious to their exact predicament.) Mr. Heffner: This is the nicest town I've ever lived in. I'm so glad we moved here; it's so well-protected and peaceful. Mrs. Heffner: (cheerfully) Yes, it's absolutely wonderful. I look forward to the day my darling Richard and I can raise a family here. I want our children to be safe and sheltered, away from the dangers so prevalent in the rest of the country. (The Spokesman walks into the shot, carrying the TV.) Spokesman: (chuckling) Ha ha ha. Well, you might want to get a quick start on that. Mrs. Heffner: (confused) Beg pardon? Spokesman: Nothing, nothing. (Looks at the camera again) So for the most serene and secure vacation experience, Milford is the perfect destination. If you know how to spend your time here, I guarantee your visit will be very profitable. (He winks at the camera again, and walks out of the room with the TV. The Heffner's stay still for a few seconds, then Mr. Heffner begins shaking around in his chair.) Mr. Heffner: Oh, sir... are you done filming? Does that mean you can untie us now? Sir?... (The shot freezes as text scrolls up across the screen. An announcer reads the words out loud as they come up on the screen.) Announcer: We at Saturday Night Live wish to inform you that the following sketch was intended for humorous purposes only, and was not intended to incite viewers to travel to Milford, New Jersey in order to commit criminal acts such as larceny, theft, drug trafficking, or other felonious actions. If after viewing this sketch you were inspired to visit Milford in order to rob those naive fools blind, we implore you... get there quickly before all the good stuff's gone. (fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
