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.....Will Ferrell .....Chevy Chase (cameo) Don Pardo: Ladies and Gentlemen, Will Ferrell! Will Ferrell: It’s a pleasure to be here. You don’t understand what’s it’s like to come back here. It’s like walking through your high school except some of your classmates were held back and not allowed to graduate (a beat) Darrell! Glad to see Jimmy is gone, that pansy laughed at everything I did. I’d get a bite to eat before a sketch and he would just burst out chuckling like a hyena! Anyways, I’ve had fun this week, working with the cast resurrecting some old stuff. But I really want to take this opportunity to make a couple things clear. I decided to host because Lorne was on my ass. The guy doesn’t realize that the show sucks because of the writing, not the lack of me. Oh yeah Lorne, let’s make one thing clear. (everything capital is yelled) I WILL NOT COME EVERY FREAKING SEASON JUST FOR A CAMEO. I WILL NOT DRAG MY ASS JUST TO APPEAR ONCE. IF I COME, I’LL COME FOR THE WHOLE DAMN SHOW. I did this so that I can finally put this hosting thing to rest (says this line calmly) YOU WON’T BE SEEING ME FOR A LONG TIME. NOT FOR ANOTHER 10 YEARS. I’M NOT KATTAN, OR MORGAN, OR LOVITZ. I HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE SNL AND OLD SCHOOL! That reminds me. WILSON AND VAUGHN YOU’RE LIKE A BUNCH OF LEECHES! I AM GOING TO DRIVE MY DODGE STRATUS AND RAM IT INTO YOUR HOUSE. THEN I WILL GRAB A LEAD PIPE AND REPEATEDLY RAM IT DOWN YOUR THROATS SIMULTANEOUSLY. GET OUT OF MY LIFE! SAME TO YOU PARNELL, I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. YOU’RE NOT MY FRIEND, OR BROTHER. I GOT YOU HIRED SO YOU’D STOP SLEEPING IN MY BASEMENT! Now everybody, stop calling security and laughing. I do this because I want some piece and quiet and I don’t like coming just to sound like an angry idiot. (Will Ferrell looks off in the distance) Will Ferrell: Hey Lorne, you better not be calling security. YOU NEED ME, I’M THE ONLY REASON THE SHOW IS WORTH WATCHING. If you want to improve the show, Lorne, THEN GET OFF YOUR ASS AND HIRE BETTER WRITERS. I WILL PUMMEL YOUR SKULL TO A BLOODY PULP WITH YOUR OWN STEEL HIP IF YOU DON’T GET OFF YOUR ASS. NOW GET OFF YOUR ASS! (Chevy Chase runs onto the stage, prompting huge applause) Chevy Chase: Will, Will, Will. You’ve got to calm down. You’re becoming a hyperactive prick. Will Ferrell: Hey everyone, it’s the biggest jerk-ass to enter Studio 8-H since Garth Brooks hosted with his queer Chris Gaines act. You have the nerve to call me a major prick? Chevy Chase: Look Will, I’m just trying to save you some shame. I was just like you at that point in my career. I was annoyed by Lorne for bringing me back and mad at every single person I came in contact with. I became a jerk, a real major, straight up stone faced jerk. Unlike you who makes loud and angry death threats, I used to make smug and lewd jokes that made people feel lower than a hobo at a Foreigner concert. That’s why I can’t host the show anymore. You think you want some piece and quiet, but believe me, after a while you don’t know what to do with yourself. For god sakes I was so lonely I did a Comedy Central Roast! Will Ferrell: Wow, I didn’t realize that. But I mean, I have a career right now, so I don’t have to worry about being nice to them. I hate having these turds around me. Chevy Chase: You overrated Skidmark! I was the same way 'til "Caddyshack 2" came along. Just wait until some crap picture comes along and you’re reduced to Leno appearances and hosting your own poker tournaments. That reminds me.. (looks at camera) I’m hosting the Chevy Chase Poker Tourney, it’s at my house, a random assortment of comedians like everyone from I Love the 90's will join me along with you at home. If you would care to join us, it’s a $200 dollar entry fee, and all proceeds go to charity - the charity of Chevy Chase, of course. Thank you and good night! (Chevy Chase exits) Will Ferrell: Like I’ll ever become him! Anyways we have a great show. The Queens of the Stone Age are here. Oh and be sure to see "Kicking and Screaming" in theaters now. BEFORE I COME TO YOUR RUN DOWN APARTMENT AND HAVE A SPANISH TORTURER SHOVE SHARDS OF GLASS INTO YOUR NAVEL! So stick around and we’ll be right back. (screen fades to black) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
