|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Robert Gordon...Will Ferrell Catherine (voice)...Rachel Dratch Harvey Lambert...Chris Parnell Dr. Feinburg...Fred Armisen Mr. Stone...Finesse Mitchell (takes place in a small room, Mr. Gordon's office, he is sitting behind a desk) Robert Gordon: Catherine, can you send in that new applicant for our sales department? Catherine (voice): Yes, Mr. Gordon. He's waiting right out here. Robert Gordon: Thank you. (Harvey Lambert enters and they both shake hands) Robert Gordon: Nice to meet you, Mr. Lambert. I'm the head of the sales department here, and am looking for some new applicants. Harvey Lambert: Well, Mr. Gordon, I would love to be a part of this firm. Robert Gordon: Okay, great. Take a seat. Harvey Lambert: Uh, I'm fine. Robert Gordon: You sure? Harvey Lambert: Yeah. Robert Gordon: Okay, I'm looking at your application, and notice that you have graduated from DeVry Academy in Long Beach, California. Harvey Lambert: Oh, yes. An excellent business program. Robert Gordon: I have a few clients that have graduated from California. A beautiful part of the country. Big city. Harvey Lambert: Yep. (long pause) Robert Gordon: Are you sure you don't want to sit down? Harvey Lambert: I'm sure. Robert Gordon: You can if you want. Harvey Lambert: Positive. Robert Gordon: Alright. Now, it says here that you have taught for several colleges in the New York area about sales positions in their respectable business courses. Harvey Lambert: That's right, Mr. Gordon. I find it is crucial in our future to have a majority in percentage of college graduates to have degrees in business courses. The years to come will need it in my opinion. Robert Gordon: I think that is a great thought. As for your qualifications, you have...I'm sorry. But you can take a seat if you want to. It's really no trouble. Harvey Lambert: Oh, no. But thanks. Can we go on with the interview? Robert Gordon: I just don't understand why you won't sit. There's a chair right in front of my desk. Harvey Lambert: I'd rather stand if that's alright. Robert Gordon: Fine. I just find it strange that an applicant doesn't sit down when there is a chair available. The interview could go on for hours. Harvey Lambert: I'm perfectly capable of standing for a given amount of time. Robert Gordon: Okay, my mistake. The interview. Um, it says here that...(glances at Lambert)...excuse me for a moment. Harvey Lambert: Sure. (Gordon gets up and goes to the door) Robert Gordon: You can sit down while I'm gone. Harvey Lambert: I'll be fine. Robert Gordon: (aggravated) Okay. (Gordon exits and the door is closed, while secretary and Gordon talk, camera goes on expressionless Lambert, who seems not to hear what's going on) Robert Gordon (voice): (screaming) WHAT THE HELL IS THAT GUY'S PROBLEM! IS HE INSANE?! HE WON'T SIT DOWN! WHAT KIND OF MORON DOESN'T SIT DOWN?!!! IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! Catherine (voice): Please, Mr. Gordon. Calm down. He'll hear you. Robert Gordon (voice): I DON'T CARE IF HE HEARS ME! THIS IS F'N RIDICULOUS!!!! I'M GONNA SNAP! Catherine (voice): Mr. Gordon, remember what your doctor said? You need to calm down, or that vein in your forehead will burst. Please, take it easy. I know you can do this. Robert Gordon (voice): (calming down, but still loud) Me seeing a doctor! I could've been a doctor. THIS GUY NEEDS A DOCTOR!!!! HARVEY LAMBERT!!!!!!!! (Gordon enters with smile on his face and calm voice) Robert Gordon: Hi. Sorry about the wait. I just had to blow my nose. Harvey Lambert: No problem. Robert Gordon: But before we go on with the conversation, I would just like to ask you one more time. Why won't you take a seat? Harvey Lambert: (frustrated) I just don't want to. Robert Gordon: Okay, just making sure. Tell me, did you sit in the waiting room? Harvey Lambert: What does it matter? Robert Gordon: Just tell me. Harvey Lambert: Yes. Robert Gordon: You sat in the waiting room. But not in here. Harvey Lambert: Yes. Robert Gordon: (showing anger in his face) Uh-huh! Harvey Lambert: Look, can you just look over my application? Robert Gordon: Hey, that's what we're here for, right? We're trying to find a new person for our sales position. Now, it says here that you were a professor at...(pauses)...look just sit down! Harvey Lambert: (angry) NOOOO! Robert Gordon: Why not?!! Harvey Lambert: I don't want to sit! Robert Gordon: There's a soft chair, here. Who is going to pass up a soft chair? This is crazy. Just sit down. Harvey Lambert: No. Robert Gordon: You sit down!!!! Harvey Lambert: No!!!! Robert Gordon: Look, what the hell are we doing?! This is ridiculous. We are professionals. We should be acting like civilized men, and not like children. Harvey Lambert: You're right, I'm sorry I yelled at you. Robert Gordon: I'm sorry I yelled, too. I don't know what got into me. Harvey Lambert: Me either. Robert Gordon: Okay, why don't you just have a seat and we can continue with the interview. Harvey Lambert: I would not like to sit. Robert Gordon: YOU SHUT UP!!!! Harvey Lambert: No. Robert Gordon: YOU SHUT THAT F'N MOUTH OF YOURS!!!!! YOU SHUT IT!!!! YOU SIT DOWN RIGHT NOW, OR I'LL KILL YOU WITH THAT CHAIR!!! YOU HEAR ME?!!!! Harvey Lambert: I'm outta here. (Lambert leaves, and Gordon flings chair at door) Robert Gordon: NOBODY PASSES UP A SOFT CHAIR IN MY OFFICE!!!! NOBODY!!!!! (caption on black screen shows "Ten years later...") (shows Gordon in doctor's suit in hospital room with other doctor) Robert Gordon: It took me about ten years, but I finally got my doctor's license. You have no idea how much I hated being in that cramped office building. And the people I had to deal with? Oh, man. It just goes to show you that I'm not as crazy as people say I am. There are others worse than me. Dr. Feinburg: Well, I'm glad you're happy again. Being a doctor can be one of the most fulfilling tasks in human society. Robert Gordon: Yeah, you're right. Dr. Feinburg: See you later. Here's your first client, Mr. Stone. Good luck. Robert Gordon: Thanks, man. (as Feinburg exits, Mr. Stone enters on crutches) Robert Gordon: Hello, Mr. Stone. I'm Dr. Gordon. How are you doing today? Mr. Stone: Not so good. I broke my hip a couple hours ago playing basketball. Robert Gordon: Wow, that doesn't sound too good. Mr. Stone: No, not really. Robert Gordon: Well, why don't you take a seat, and we'll check it out. Mr. Stone: I actually can't sit down. I have a broken hip. Robert Gordon: That's fine. I'll just check your results here. And while I look at them, you can sit down on that bench right there. Mr. Stone: I told you I can't. I think it's impossible to sit with a broken hip. Robert Gordon: Just sit down! Mr. Stone: I can lean against it. Robert Gordon: SIT DOWN!!!! Mr. Stone: No. Robert Gordon: YOU SIT!!!! (Gordon approaches Stone with a look of anger as sketch ends) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
