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Alexis … Maya Rudolph Jeff Bonacher … Rob Riggle Mr. Orville Bonacher … Will Ferrell Mrs. Nancy Bonacher … Amy Poehler Billy Bonacher … Seth Meyers [Jeff (Riggle) stands just right of the center of an average living room decorated in varied neutral tones with a red and orange accented flower piece next to the couch and a blue based painting on the wall. Jeff is shot from only the waist up and is wearing a white button up shirt. The door bell rings. Jeff moves left to open the door, Alexis (Rudolph) enters wearing jeans, a green tee shirt and holding a small black purse.] Alexis: Hey, sorry I'm late. Jeff: It's okay; mom's just now setting the table. Alexis: I just don't want to make a bad impression, meeting your family is a huge step for us. Jeff: Everything will be fine. Just don't mess up, don't tell jokes, don't say anything, don't look my father straight in the eye and don't compliment my mother. Alexis: What? Jeff: Relax, they'll love you. [Jeff marches over to a swinging door to his far right and holds it open. Alexis walks through the door to the dinning room. The dinning room is entirely white. The walls are white, the table is white, the plates and food are white and every family member is dressed entirely in white. The family looks formidable and pristine, like a surgery room. Alexis sits down next to Jeff who smiles brightly.] Alexis: (whispering to Jeff) You didn't say there was a dress code. Jeff: What are you talking about? (loudly) Everyone, this is Alexis. [The family takes a beat to stare at her. Billy (Meyers) averts his eyes and starts poking at his food with his white fork. Mr. Bonacher (Ferrell) and Mrs. Bonacher (Poehler) stiffen, and respond rigidly.] Mr. Bonacher: Hello. Mrs. Bonacher: Hi. [Billy knocks some food off of his plate and Mrs. Bonacher smacks his hand.] Mrs. Bonacher: Stop it. Mr. Bonacher: Jeff, I hear you've got a new job. Jeff: Yeah, that's where I met Alexis. We both work at the North Creek branch of Wisconsin United Bank. She's in new accounts and I do loans. Mrs. Bonacher: We were thinking about getting a loan. Mr. Bonacher: No we weren't. Mrs. Bonacher: Right. Potatoes, dear? Mr. Bonacher: Yes. [They both look at Alexis.] Alexis: (a beat) Oh, new accounts is going really well. Last month was my largest openings month. (A beat) Thank you for inviting me over -- Jeff: Hon, they want you to pass the potatoes. Alexis: Oh! [She looks around the table and notices that the potatoes are at the opposite end of the table next to Billy. She looks at Mr. and Mrs. Bonacher who nod in affirmation of her inclination. Alexis gets up and walks to the end of the table. She picks up the bowl in front of Billy, who has started picking at his food again, and walks back around the table to her seat. She holds the bowl out to Mr. Bonacher. He nods in the negative, mimes spooning out the potatoes and points to his plate. She takes the spoon and plops a blob of potatoes onto his plate.] Alexis: (Looking at him) Would you like more? Mr. Bonacher: Are you making eye contact? You're putting my potatoes on my plate for God's sake. This is a family house not a brothel. That's illegal. Mrs. Bonacher: Except for in some areas in Nevada. Mr. Bonacher: Do we live in Nevada? Mrs. Bonacher: Didn't we think about moving there? Mr. Bonacher: No we didn't. Mrs. Bonacher: Right. Mr. Bonacher: (Pointing a finger at Alexis) No more eye contact. [Alexis sits down and takes a bite of the potatoes.] Alexis: Mmm, these are delicious. Mrs. Bonacher: (Aghast) I don't need your charity; I know perfectly well what I provide for this family. Alexis: I didn't mean it -- Mrs. Bonacher: I know what you meant, and stop. Jeff, I can't believe you brought someone like this .. into our home. Mr. Bonacher: Honey, don't upset it. Alexis: Excuse me? Billy: One of these things is not like the other, one of these things -- IT'S YOU! Mrs. Bonacher: Billy, eat your halibut. Alexis: This is because I'm black? Mr. Bonacher: (Gasps) You have a name for your people? Alexis: Jeff, I can't believe you! Jeff: They're not talking about the color of your skin. Mrs. Bonacher: You thought we were racist? [Mr. and Mrs. Bonacher start laughing] Mr. Bonacher: We don't care about the color of your skin. Mrs. Bonacher: Just color in general. Mr. Bonacher: We're a white family. Everything is white. [Billy leans to one side and pulls a gray colored candy out of his pocket, unwraps it and sticks it into his mouth, Mrs. Bonacher notices.] Mrs. Bonacher: Billy, spit it out. Get that filth out of your mouth; you don't know where it's been. Orville! Mr. Bonacher: (Staring without blinking at Alexis) Nancy, for Christ's sake I'm staring at the outsider, what could (starts turning towards Billy) possibly be so important? (Sees Mrs. Bonacher holding the candy wrapper in her hand) Spit it out! Son that will kill you! [Mrs. Bonacher starts giving Billy the Heimlich procedure, unnecessarily and Billy spits the candy out. It hits the wall just next to Alexis' head.] Mrs. Bonacher: We've warned you about inappropriate sweets at dinner. Mr. Bonacher: You know what this means. [Billy hangs his head down.] Billy: Daddy, do I have to? Mr. Bonacher: If you don't, you'll never learn. [Billy walks into the living room and re-enters holding a black piece of paper. He sticks it up on the wall behind his chair and stares at it. He starts crying.] Mr. Bonacher: You see Alexis, white is the superior color. It's the essence of all things pure and good in this world. We want to emulate that as a family. Billy: Dad, can I stop? Mrs. Bonacher: Not until you've learned your lesson! Billy: When will that be? Mrs. Bonacher: After American Idol. [Billy begins to cry again.] Mrs. Bonacher: We also believe in American Idol. Alexis: But, white isn't actually a color. It's a shade, the absence of all colors. White is essentially nothingness. Black is the combination of all colors, if you really wanted honor a shade that represents all things in this world, it should be black, because that's everything. Mr. Bonacher: Are you a liberal? Alexis: I'm just saying that there's good and beauty in all things in the world and black is more representative of that than white. Jeff: Are you insulting my family? Alexis: No, I'm just saying that by being a bunch of white heads they're not doing anything of value - Jeff: You just called my family zits! We are so over. Alexis: Fine! [Alexis turns and leaves, forgetting her purse.] Mrs. Bonacher: She wasn't good enough for you. Mr. Bonacher: Her left nipple was off center. I hate that. [Cut to the living room, Alexis is marching to the front door when she remembers her purse. She turns and goes back to the room. The room is entirely black, all the food is black, place setting, silverware and everyone is wearing black. Billy is sitting at the table and there is no solid colored poster on the wall.] Alexis: I forgot my purse. [Mr. Bonacher catches her arm and stares adoringly at her purse.] Mr. Bonacher: A black purse? Mrs. Bonacher: Oh Jeff, I love her. [Jeff pulls Alexis into an embrace. On the other end of the table Billy pulls out a beige colored candy and inserts it into his mouth, his mother catches him.] Mrs. Bonacher: Stop it! Orville! (Smacking Billy on the back of the head) Get the white board, he did it again! [fade] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
