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Rod Sizzler.....Will Ferrell Audience Member #1.....Rachel Dratch Audience Member #2.....Jason Sudeikis Audience Member #3.....Fred Armisen Audience Member #4.....Amy Poehler Audience Member #5.....Kenan Thompson [ fade in ] [ Open on dramatic shots of dynamic Rod Sizzler in posh settings, one per line ] Rod Sizzler: Do you lack direction in life? Rod Sizzler: Are you confused on where to go next? Rod Sizzler: Do you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning? Rod Sizzler: Hi, I'm Rod Sizzler, life coach, and I'm here to tell you what to do. [ Studio set, where Rod Sizzler stands in the front with a chart beside him ] Rod Sizzler: I know you guys have had your share of problems. Disappointment at work. [ crowd screams "Yeah" ] Trouble trying to find a date. [ crowd screams "Yeah" ] That leaky faucet you just can't seem to fix. [ crowd screams "Yeah" ] There's just too many damn cats in the world. [ crowd screams "Yeah" ] Avocados. [ crowd screams "Yeah" ] The Milton Bradley Corporation. [ crowd screams "Yeah" ] Egyptian hieroglyphics. [ crowd screams "Yeah" ] Well, all those problems are behind you, because now I'm going to tell you what to do. Why don't I take a volunteer? [ shot of audience, all a little nervous ] Rod Sizzler: You, in the first row, seat 5, how about you? Audience Member #1: Can someone else go first? Rod Sizzler: Isn't she adorable? But watch what happens, when I tell her what to do. [ reading her nametag ] Karen, come on up here, now. Audience Member #1: Okay. [ Audience Member #1 joins Rod Sizzler on stage ] Rod Sizzler: [ looking directly at Audience Member #1 ] Karen. Karen. Karen. Karen. Karen. Audience Member #1: Yes… what… huh Rod Sizzler: Speak to me Karen. Karen. Karen. Audience Member #1: Huh… errr… oh… Rod Sizzler. Rod Sizzler: Thank you Karen. [ to all ] I am about to change Karen's life. She's gone through life uneasy and unsure of what to do. But that all changes right now! [ to Karen ] Karen, I want you to open a calligraphy store. Do it, now. Audience Member #1: Yes sir. [ exits ] Rod Sizzler: You see folks, it is just that easy. You just need someone with a firm voice telling you what to do and you won't ever feel uneasy again. Right now, Karen is calling loan offices and searching for a storefront to rent. In ten minutes, she may begin hiring staff. She'll phone local greeting card companies and summer basketball camps that need diplomas looking for clients. All because I told her what to do. Rod Sizzler: Isn't this magic? Isn't this amazing? Can you believe purpose in life is this easy? It is folks. Let me tell you about one of my previous clients. He goes by the name of Lars Ulrich. He was feeling uneasy about life, uncertain what to do, when I said to him, "Form a heavy metal band called Metallica, then one of you die in a car accident, then rise to glory and sue the pajamas off twelve year old kids that like to trade your music on their computers." And folks, that is just what he did. Rod Sizzler: People listen to me because I have the answer to every question. You! Ask me a question! Audience Member #2: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop? Rod Sizzler: [ immediately ] 23. You! Ask me a question! Audience Member #3: Where can I get a good umbrella? Rod Sizzler: [ immediately ] Target. You! Ask me a question! Audience Member #4: Uh, when was the Declaration of Independence signed? Rod Sizzler: [ immediately ] 1492. You! Ask me a question! Audience Member #5: How does a chameleon change the color of its skin? Rod Sizzler: [ immediately ] It's a flexible skin pigment alloy known as copper-histidine. [ settles ] Thank you everyone for obliging me in this little experiment. While not every answer may have been one hundred percent accurate, my confident demeanor in telling you what the answer is has settled these questions for you. By now, you are convinced of the power of me telling you what to do. It is the key to your happiness, and your success. Thank you, and buy my book. Also, buy it and give it to friends. [ cut out to promo shot of book, entitled "Buy This Book, Now (and Smile At The Cashier)" ] Announcer: Rod Sizzler is sponsored in part by Target Stores and Karen's Calligraphy, now serving the tri-state area. [ fade out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
