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Driver.....Will Ferrell Cop.....Rob Riggle EXT. Side of Highway – Day DRIVER (Ferrell) is in vehicle. COP (Riggle) approaches driver’s side window. Driver: Hey. What’s goin’ on? Cop: (affable) Goin’ a little fast there, weren’t ya? Driver: (sarcastic) Uh, yeah? It’s the interstate. Duh! Cop: (slightly miffed) I know it’s the interstate, sir. But you’re still going pretty darn fast. Where you headed to? Driver: Well, I guess I’m off to complete my usual Saturday routine…an afternoon of clothes shopping at Walgreen’s, then a dinner of lollipops and pork rinds during reruns of America’s Funniest Home Videos. You know…just normal, everyday relaxing. Cop: (sarcastic) Yeah, normal… Driver: I have to admit, though…I don’t see how that’s any of your business, mister. I mean, what’s with the sirens and the…lights and all? Cop: Sir, I’ve stopped you for speeding. Driver: (a beat, confused) So, uh…oh, my god! Are you with the Guinness people? Have I set some sort of land speed record??? Cop: No, I’m not with… Driver: (interrupting) Oh, wowie! I’m gonna be in the Guinness Book of World Records! I can’t wait to tell my parole officer! Cop: Wait…you’re a convicted felon? Driver: Yeah, if by convicted felon you mean married! Cop: (laughs out of kindness) Yeah, uh…that’s real cute, sir. Listen, I’m an officer of the law, a state trooper, and you were going 43 miles over the posted speed limit. Driver: Wait a minute, I’m confused. So…you’re not with the Guinness people? Cop: No! I’m a state trooper! See the badge??? (shows him his badge) Driver: Oh…(a beat) so this “speed limit” you mentioned when I wasn’t listening…what exactly is that? Cop: Dammit…I’m not going to set here and explain to you what a speed limit is! If you don’t know what a speed limit is, then you shouldn’t be driving! Driver: Oh, I think I’m getting it now. That’s what those signs that say speed limit in clear, unmistakable words are. I’m sorry…I don’t read clear, unmistakable words very well when I’m drunk. Cop: (shocked) You’re drunk??? Driver: Yeah, if by drunk you mean married! Cop: I will not hear that stupid joke again! Now shut up with all the bull crap and give me your license and registration! Driver: Ok! You don’t have to be snippy! (reaches over, hands cop some stuff) Here! Cop: (looks at stuff) Ok, sir, this is a coupon for a free tour of the Alabama Burlap Museum, and this other thing is a crinkled up sheet of paper with the words “EAT ME” written on it. Driver: Clearly! Cop: (confused) Uh, then where the hell is your driver’s license and registration? Driver: I don’t have them with me. They’re still at the dealership. Cop: Dealership? So, you’re a car salesman? Driver: No, I’m an ambulance salesman. Cop: What?? Driver: I sold a model the other day to some poor, babbling Asian fellow. He was going on and on about his kid dying or whatever, so I hooked him up. As it turns out, the idiot doesn’t have a license to drive the bastard. Figures, right? So, I gave him mine. Cop: Are you kidding??? Driver: Hell, no! I’m not Asian, damn you, but he was a perfect match! So, he does whatever he does and comes limping into my office the next day looking all somber…in handcuffs…with a dead kid. I don’t know what happened, but I’m sure there’s some rollicking, hilarious story behind it! Cop: You’re crazy! Driver: Or married! Cop: (fed up) That’s it!!! I’m giving you a ticket for speeding…(scribbling furiously) for driving without a license…and a ticket for, for…something else! Driver: Please do! Three is a nice, round number. Jesus rose in three days, I should get three tickets. Cop: Don’t worry, you will! Driver: Good. (a beat) So…do I use the tickets to prove my world record to Mr. Guinness, or are those, like, trophies I should frame or laminate? Cop: (head down in frustration) Jesus Christ… [The cop writes, the driver looks confused, and the screen fades to black.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
