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Prateek Srivastava & Casey Wurzbach.
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.....Tina Fey .....Amy Poehler Ted Koppel.....Darrell Hammond Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. Congress announced this week that they would want to leave “disabled benefits” intact with Social Security reform. President Bush, wearing a “protective helmet” worn by mentally disabled children said, “Thank you.” President Bush said that the United States played a key role in Europe's painful division after World War II. This decision helped cause "one of the greatest wrongs of history" when the Soviet Union imposed its harsh rule across Central and Eastern Europe. Bush ended his little rant saying that he can't wait for “World War III” to come out, because he's wickedly excited see Darth Vader again! 
Amy Poehler: George Lucas gave an interview this week saying that he is glad that the multi-million dollar "Star Wars" saga is finally at an end. Fans, though, were shocked when they found out Lucas's next project was "A Night with Jar Jar Binks." With the release of the last “Star Wars” film in the epic series, Mark Hamill reminisced about the success of the film. In a recent interview, Hamill said, “Star Wars was a great stepping stone for the sci-fi world. Goddamn, I wish I still had a job!” Tina Fey: In Australia this week a prison siege was ended when the prisoners released the guard they were holding for a pizza delivery. Sadly the other guard they had hostage was sodomized when the prisoners didn't get any crazy bread. In other news, a political commentator acknowledged making a mistake when he commented that California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger wanted to destroy the moon. Actually what Arnold said was (Tina attempts a lame Arnold impression) "I believe that we have to terminate Uranus, what because of the gross name and to end all of the stupid jokes and things of this nature." Amy Poehler: On Friday, the Pentagon proposed shutting down 180 military installations across the United States, including 33 major bases. However, it's been promised that all of the bases will be re-opened within five years, once they've been converted into Wal-Mart Supercenters. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said that closing the military bases would save the nation $48.8 billion over a 20-year time span. Not to mention, an additional 15% or more if they switch to GEICO. Tina Fey: Peter Gloystein, deputy leader of the German state of Bremen, resigned Thursday after pouring sparkling wine over the head of a homeless man in an apparent joke that went wrong. Said Gloystein afterwards, "Upon reflection, I now realize it would have been much funnier to have simply kicked the guy in the nuggets." Amy Poehler: Microsoft Corp. says its next version of Xbox will thrill hard-core gamers with mind-blowing graphics and lure in newcomers with free online games, slideshows, music and video chats with friends. The bells and whistles of the new version are so amazing, that users won't even notice how sad and pathetic their lives really are. Microsoft also announced that it has unveiled yet another version of the Windows operating system. With the profit from this venture CEO Bill Gates can finally afford to cover himself in golden diamonds. Tina Fey: Actress Renee Zelwegger and country singer Kenny Chesney were married this week. This comes as good news for people who don't like to be bothered with information about politics and terrorism when they watch a respectable news broadcast. And now, here with a Mother’s Day message, is Ted Koppel. Ted Koppel: Good evening, I’m Ted Koppel and this a Mother’s Day message from me, Ted Koppel of ABC News. Mother’s Day has come and gone and some mothers did not get the respect that they deserve or deserved. I, myself, forgot to call my mother on Mother’s Day and now, the backlash has occurred. I forgot to call my mother, these things happen. Well, does my mother hold a grudge! I got to work on Monday, with a bucket of blood smeared all over my news desk. It was horrible! She left animal feces all over the studio…it was absolutely tragic! And then, I later found she had called my place of work, ABC News, over a hundred times, leaving profane messages. They were so bad; I had to clean them up so I could read them here on this show. (Ted Koppel pulls out a script of the message left by his mother) “Ted Koppel, you are ungrateful man. You forgot to call your mother on Mother’s Day! This is no way to treat your mother, the woman who brought you into this world. Who the hell do you think you are? You wouldn’t be the famous man that you are today if it wasn’t for me! I’m your mother! I’m your mother! Damn it, I am your mother! Oh, by the way, I left some surprises at work for you because I’m your mother!” (Camera pans to see members of the audience tearing up) That’s my mother. She is my mother and…Mom, if you are watching, despite all that you have done to me this week, and over the years, I still love you…because you are my mother. Thank you. I’m Ted Koppel, ABC News, good night. Tina Fey: This has been a Mother’s Day message from Ted Koppel. Amy Poehler: Happy Mother’s Day, Mom! Tina Fey: In a statement issued by President Bush this week, he said that "Democracies are peaceful countries. Democracies don't fight each other. Democracies are good neighbors." President Bush then put on a blue cardigan and spent the next twenty minutes talking to a toy trolley. Amy Poehler: Instanbul's television broadcast watchdog pulled four adult channels because they believed them to be a detriment to their cultures. Surprisingly they are still airing Nanny 911. Also in entertainment news, comedian Dave Chappelle was hospitalized this week. This brings an abrupt halt to the show which has brought in all of Comedy Central’s urban audience. While Comedy Central may be disappointed, this is a perfect opportunity for them to finally show that Ku Klux Klan bloopers and pranks special! Tina Fey: In a semi-related story, a Maine politician named Rick James has sued Comedy Central, claiming that the Rick James character has had a negative influence on his campaign. He also requests that Comedy Central pay him a grand for damages that he may have for this "slander of his name." I’m sure the publicity of you suing Comedy Central over something as useless as this will have no negative impact on your campaign. Amy Poehler: Deal With it, you’re Rick James, prude Bitch! Tina Fey: Archaeologists in London recently uncovered a shoe that was over 2,000 years old. The shoe was then returned to its rightful owner, Barbara Streisand. Actor Chris Tucker pleaded guilty to speeding in a Los Angeles Court, on Thursday. Tucker was later held in “contempt” for “running his mouth”. Amy Poehler: In health news, it was discovered that a gay man's brain works a lot like a woman's brain, apparently they both like men. Tina Fey: Actor and comedian Bill Cosby appeared at a town hall meeting in Dallas on Monday and called on parents to get involved with their children's schooling...I smell a new show on CBS!! (Pan to a picture of "Kids Don't Know Anything!") And Michael Vartan said in an interview that he doesn’t mind being in the shadow of his “Monster-In-Law” co-star, Jennifer Lopez. He also said, “I really have no choice in the matter, because that bitch has a huge ass!” Amy Poehler: For Weekend Update. I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow. [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
