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Charles Weinstein.....Will Ferrell Joey.....Will Forte Guy.....Finesse Mitchell Woman.....Amy Poehler Thor.....Horatio Sanz Kid 1.....Jason Sudeikis Kid 2.....Seth Meyers (The scene opens in a movie theater as a manager and an usher are watching the theatergoers come in from the front of the theater.) Charles: All right Joey I know it's a bit rough having to do a sneak preview your first night on the job. Joey: It's okay Mr. Weinstein I think I will be able to handle it. Charles: You just have to remember Joey that Palace Theatres is a strict enforcer of its rules in order to make sure that people have the best moviegoing experience possible. Joey: I understand sir. Charles: Tell you what, just watch me deal with this group coming over here, I think you'll get it. (A man and a woman with their child enter the theater and Charles stops them.) Charles: Excuse me sir what do you think you are doing? Guy: We're just here to see the new Exorcist prequel. Woman: Yes, is there a problem? Charles: Well you're bringing your young child in to see a film about Satan capturing people's souls, you don't think there is any problem with that? Guy: Hey will you relax, we couldn't afford a babysitter. Charles: Well too bad guy, cause you need to GET OUT! I am not going to be dealing with some kid crying while the priest uses his exorcism tongs to extract the devil from the possessed person's body, next time either get a baby sitter or leave the kid in a McDonald's playland, that's what my freakin parents did. Woman: Dear god, what is wrong with you? Charles: You know what I am going to give you a coming attraction, my foot up your ass, unless you GET OUT! (The guy and the woman run out scared for their lives. Charles just chuckles to himself.) Joey: Wow, you sure were rough on those folks. Charles: Nonsense Joey, you just have to remember the Palace Theatres motto "Don't be a dickweed or bad things are going to happen." Joey: I never heard that in any commercials. Charles: Yeah it really doesn't fit into a promo jingle, does it? Uh oh looks like we have a couple of kids trying to sneak into the theater, why don't you take these kids down, and I'll play back up for you. Joey: Okay sir. (Charles steps back and let's Joey take over. Two teenage kids walk up trying to be inconspicuous.) Joey: Uh excuse me gentlemen can I see your tickets please? Kid 1: Hey get out of my face punk. Kid 2: Yeah or else I'll mace you. (Kid 2 takes out a can of mace, which frightens Joey away. Charles steps in for him.) Charles: Okay look gentlemen I am sorry about that, how about I get you guys a couple of prime seats right up there. Kid 1: Where? Charles: Just look up there. (As Kid 1 looks up Charles pulls out a taser and zaps him in the chest, the boy falls quickly.) Charles: All right you punk, if you ever want to feel the lower half of your body again, you better scram. (Kid 2 runs away while Kid 1 is having minor convulsions.) Charles: Now you see Joey that's how you diffuse a situation. Joey: Mr Weinstein, why didn't you call the cops, they're right outside the theater. Charles: Oh come on Joey this is a lot more fun, don't worry you'll get your own taser after your first week probation period. Gee what a mess we have here, he's still twitching. I guess I better call Tor. (Charles takes out the walkie talkie he has on his waist and calls for Tor.) Charles: Hey Tor I need you in theater 6, we got a twitcher. (After a moment Tor enters, he is bald and has a dopey look on face.) Tor: Hey boss, what you want Tor do? Charles: Oh just take this underage punk and throw him out back with the rest of the trash. Tor: Yes sir boss. (Tor picks the young kid up, throws him over his shoulder, and takes him out of the theater.) Charles: I love Tor, I remember we caught this one guy hopping theatres and I jokingly told Tor to "crush him". He actually ended up crushing the guy's skull with his bare hands, we could never get those stains out of that chair, haha. Joey: I don't know if I can take this job. Charles: Hey don't wussy out on me now Joey, the job isn't always pretty but that's why we pay you 10 cents over minimum wage, because we care about quality. Joey: I guess. Charles: You know what, I think you might just need another example on how we do things here. One sec. (Charles takes out his walkie talkie and calls for Tor again.) Charles: Tor I need you back in theater 6 again. (Tor returns to theater 6.) Charles: Tor we have a cell phone disturbance in row 4 you know what to do. Tor: Tor got it boss. (Tor heads offstage to the back of the theater. Loud punching sounds are heard.) Charles: That's it Tor, use the phone as a blunt object, we don't want to mess up our uniforms. (The punching stops and Tor walks back to Charles. He has a smashed up cell phone in his hands.) Tor: Tor take care of problem. Charles: Good work Tor. Tor: Hey boss. (Tor begins talking on the phone.) Tor: "Can you hear me now?" Charles: Ha Ha Ha, Tor you are a delight! Tor: Tor make funny, save it for open mike next week. Charles: Tor go take a break, you deserve it. So Joey, all set to join the Palace Theatres family? (Tor leaves the theater as Joey stands next to Charles scared out of his mind.) Joey: I think I am getting the hell out of here, you're nuts! (Joey runs for his life as Charles stares at him shaking his head.) Charles: I am crazy? I am crazy?! Hey if it's crazy to use extreme mob like violence to keep the moviegoing experience at a premium than I don't want to be right. Oh hell no! (Charles looks up and then grabs for a shotgun he has hidden under a seat. He fires it into the upper part of the theater.) Charles: Hey you Row 9 bastard, we have trash receptacles for your convenience in the front and the back of the theater, you better put your trash there or the next shot's coming at your head. Now shut up and enjoy your movie. (Charles shoots toward the upper part of the stage again as the scene fades out.) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
