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Willy James.....Kenan Thompson Voice of Yoda Puppet.....Will Forte Obi-Wan Kenobi.....Seth Meyers Anakin Skywalker.....Fred Armisen Shaft Windu.....Finesse Mitchell Storm-Trooper.....Rob Riggle .....Lindsay Lohan (A Black Screen appears and the Words shoot out across the screen with narration by Don Pardo) THE FOLLOWING SKETCH FEATURES WILLY JAMES (Cut to Willy James standing in front of a black screen) Willy James: You need the W to the J, America! (Fade into a screen-shot of the E-BAY homepage. Narration by Willy James) Willy James v/o: I have been bound for a long period of time. E-BAY.com has kept me in chains for a while. It has been an age of misery. Actually more like 8 months of misery. But today is a new day. Today I move on from E-BAY.com! (Cut to a recycled clip of the audience giving standing ovation. Fade to Willy James in front of a screen-shot for his own website) Willy James: Now, I have my own website! Yes... it’s Willy’s-Clips.com. At this site you’ll be free to bid on every one of my epic clips. From my 1st clip, the Spider-Man musical ending to the epic clip from Son of the Mask. It’s the only funny part in the whole movie! To jump-start the occasion I am releasing an all new clip. It’s from the new Star Wars movie! In honor of the start of my web-site. I am going to premiere this never-before-seen clip from Revenge of the Sith. Prepare to be amazed and shut the hell up, because I’m not going be doing things like this all the time! (Cut to the clip. Open with the insides of a battle-ship and the Star Wars theme pots up. Obi-Wan Kenobi and a fake Yoda puppet sit.) Yoda: A disturbance in the Force I sense! Obi-Wan: Speaking backwards, is really getting annoying. I mean to say, annoying is speaking backwards. (mutters under his breath) After 5 films of this unfunny schtik has got to end. Yoda: (cuts the crazy voice and starts talking normal) What was that about 5 films? Obi-Wan: What? Nothing Master Yoda. I just think that your predictions haven’t been right. Yoda: I sense something evil and vile. It’s in a galaxy far far away. Obi Wan Kenobi: Master Yoda, you need to lay off the sophisticated binges into "ether". Yoda: In this galaxy, I see clones and horrid trinkets encasing ourselves. Oh the horror, we have become prisoners of the dark side. It’s a horrible fate for everyone! Obi-Wan Kenobi: Yoda, I’m going to ask you again, what the hell is going on! Yoda: Just got a new vision. Anakin Skywalker is coming to pop a cap in yo’ ass old school science fiction style! Obi-Wan: Well that was oddly specific. (Anakin enters) Anakin: Master Kenobi! Obi-Wan Kenobi: My young jedi apprentice, why are you doing this. You were the chosen one! That freaking douche from Kinsey told me that! How could I trust a guy with the last name Gin! Anakin Skywalker: You always treated me like a kid, augh! I’m a man now! I want to be on my own. (whines like a teenager) You’re ruining my life! Obi-Wan: Enough talking. God knows a crack ho like Dave Chappelle can right better dialogue than George Lucas. (Obi Wan and Anakin take out glowing sticks to represent light sabers. They start whacking them at each other. Yoda just sits there lazily.) Yoda: I would help, but my green ass is tired! Oh, I’m getting another vision. I’m seeing more evils. It’s not the dark side that’s causing them. It’s a power beyond all evil imaginable. It’s the American corporate world! It’s an age where our heads and images are traced onto every day objects. Little infants suck on multiple clones of my skull. There are garments, with pictures of Darth Maul on them. Darth Maul, the man who has Herpes on his face is on children’s clothes! Obi Wan Kenobi: Maybe I should summon Master Windu to help me! Yoda: He’s the baddest mother around Obi Wan: What? (Shaft’s theme pots up. Cut to a ship’s corridor. Shaft Windu appears with a light-saber in one hand.) Shaft Windu: (looks at camera) Ya damn right! ( a storm-trooper approaches him. Shaft uses the lightsaber and starts striking the trooper.) StormTrooper: (kicks the saber into Shaft’s chest) Hah, you jive-talking Jedi! Shaft: Augh!! This burns like a... (the "shut yo’ mouth" sound byte is played. Shaft Windu grabs a piece of the railing and begins beating and hitting the storm trooper) StormTrooper: Oh god, ow! No please, someone help me! Shaft Windu: Hey, wipe that robotic grin off. I’m Shaft Windu, and may the force beat your sorry dark side ass! (Cut to Yoda sitting and watching Obi Wan and Anakin whack glowing sticks at each other) Yoda: It’s a pure evil it’s a box of cereal. Our lighsabers have turned into spoons and are given away as prizes! Prizes they are? Those corporate buffs have caused all the problems. Obi-Wan: I can’t fight you anymore. Yahh! Strikes his stick into Anakin’s chest. Anakin: Augh!!! Yoda: Damn, those corporate swines. I hope they die in fiery explosion. That is just wrong to put young Anakin’s face on a pair of boxer shorts. Do you really want a little boy’s mug on your crotch. I don’t even have a crotch and I wouldn’t want one! Anakin: Arrgh! I sensed you heinous crime as well. I saw what you’re going to do, you’ll come back as an old man who I’ll kill when I get a black man’s voice! I’m out of here! (Anakin exits) Obi-Wan Kenobi: I sensed that I would defeat him in this mini-battle Yoda: You sensed the force? Obi-Wan: I just had a vision of a clothing mall. There were t-shirts and mugs which had the fight on it. I just did what the economy told me to do! Yoda: Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’ll never be as wise as me, you are as naive as Jabba the Hutt. I hope you never grow old and never have tooth-paste named after you! (Cut to the commercial again) Willy: So there you have it, it’s an excellent clip for an even excellent- (Fade to the control room. A tech is asleep in the booth. Willy James is taking a tape out of the video deck.) Willy James: Phew! Studio 8-H’s security is weaker than Richard Simmons line-dancing with a chimpanzee. I can’t believe I was able to sneak my commercial onto a live broadcast of Saturday Night Live. This is awesome! (Lindsay Lohan enters the control room all confused) Lindsay: This isn’t the Green Room? Willy James: Hey it’s the whored up version of Lohan. If I wanted to have sex with you I would need to attend a seminar on making love to Courtney Love wannabees (A beat) Lindsay: That’s too bad, I was just looking for a new challenge! Are youirea male model, for comic boo Willy: (gets a look at her) Wait a minute, I have a chance with you! Oh yeah! Lohan’s checking me out! Lindsay: I guess I could have sex with you, I did Wilmer Valderama, I’m sure anyone else is golden. Willy: I haven’t been this excited since I saw the director’s cut of Saturday Night Fever. Lindsay: You sure you don’t want to go see Revenge of the Sith for the 10th time. I bet you still a virgin. Willy James: (snorts) Hah, yeah right! I’ve already have seen it 20 times. And I’ve had hooker sex (a beat) once. (he gets nervous) Okay fine, I chickened out of the hooker sex. I swear she had dude parts. I’m just going to go now. (He has a dejected look on his face) Lindsay Lohan: Well... I’m willing to work with you, if you’ll trust me. Hell, this is gonna be interesting. I haven’t had sex with fat nerdy black guys yet! Willy: Ebony and Ivory, woo! (Looks at the camera) Have a great summer everyone, I’m gonna go take care of this little piece of Herbie Heaven! (fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
