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Priest.....Seth Meyers Debra.....Amy Poehler Frank.....Darrell Hammond Marie.....Horatio Sanz Ray.....Chris Parnell Robert.....Brad Garrett (cameo) CBS Executive.....Will Forte (Open with the Everybody Loves Raymond montage complete with theme song. Fade to an outside funeral procession. Cut to the front with a closed casket and the priest approaches.) Priest: Ladies and Gentlemen, today we have gathered to mourn a man, actually a funny man. Please join me today as we hold our heads in solemn prayer for local sports-writer and guy with family so dysfunctional it makes the rest of us feel good about ourselves, Mr. Ray Barone! (a set of prayers are started, but are interrupted by a loud grumble. The entire Barone family struggles to enter procession. Debra and struggles to sit down, while Frank and Marie argue. Some kids playfully run by the priest. They yell and shout!) Debra: Kids it’s your father’s funeral do you think you could be a little bit sadder. Or at least don’t look so joyful! (To the priest) Sorry we’re late Father! Frank: Goddam it Marie, you talk on that phone so long, like it’s your only friend. Oh wait, it is! Marie: Frank, I was on the phone placing an order for a life-time supply of TIC-TACs for you! (Audience laughs at the sight of Horatio Sanz in drag) Debra: (looks impatiently at her watch) Where is Robert? He said he was on his way! I think he’s the police force’s personal bitch! Marie: Debra, I’ve never seen you so upset! That’s what happens when you’re a heavy drinker! Debra: Believe me, if I was a drinker you would be dead in a second. Frank: I like her style! Marie: Shut up Frank, it’s my baby’s funeral. It’s probably caused from all your negativity! My baby is dead! (Marie starts to cry and moan) Priest: I’m sorry about your loss, but let’s get on with the funeral. Would anyone from the family like to say something. (Debra grabs the kids and comes to the podium.) Debra: Ray, I’m sorry you’re dead. I’m really sad by the loss. But this couldn’t have come at a worse time. Let’s be brief here, I’m gonna get married again. Most likely in the next 2 weeks. I’m sorry, but I’ve got 3 kids to take care and I’m am no longer bound to this family! So I’m taking my leave and I bid you farewell! (Debra exits, and the priest enters with an open mouth.) Priest: Wow, this is weirder than Johnny Cochrane’s funeral, and he had OJ and Michael Jackson in attendance! (Frank and Marie walk up to the podium) Frank: Alright, let’s cut this crap! Raymond, you were an okay kid. I get to tell people my son’s a sports writer. Not a sports athlete, but a sports writer. Hey it’s pretty good (sarcastic). Honestly, that’s better than a guy who’s a cop, but still afraid of little insects. What, this guy's a freaking giant and he can't handle a little nature. (cracks up at the reference at Robert) Anyways I’ve got to get something off my chest. (A beat) I’m not your father! Marie: What, I can’t believe you Frank! (A beat) We agreed not to tell anyone that! Frank: Hey, it’s time to give some things up! I never liked your mother Raymond. It was all part of a bet that I had with a couple of frat guys. I love those beer bong parties! So for the past 50 years, I stayed with her so I could win 100,000 dollars. Now it’s time to pay for this horrible crime with my time to cash in! (a couple of guys enter and hand him a suit-case) Marie: Frank, I have to say that this is horrible that you told Raymond. (A beat) Now I want my 30,000. (Frank hands her some bills from the suitcase and walks offstage) Marie: Raymond, I don’t think you were a very good son. You never spent time with me. I always had to march over. You probably wanted to put me in a home. Raymond, I don’t belong in a home. Frank belongs in a home, in fact your real father belongs in a home. God knows where the hell he is. Probably in France or something. Raymond, you were a good kid, but a bit too needy and you had allergies. What kind of little boy sounds like a large buffalo is clogged up his nose. (notices the snacks) Marie: I’ve always wanted to try other people’s cooking. I mean if the homeless can handle it, I think I can. (She exits. The commotion picks up and everyone begins to talk amongst themselves) Priest: Family, everyone! Please- (a beat) Everyone who doesn’t shut their mouth will be sent to hell! I will personally make sure of this damnation! Now a video was found. Apparently Mr. Ray Barone made a will, and we will play it at the funeral because, I want to know if that schnozzle with legs left his pastor anything! And I don’t apologize for my language you middle-class hemorrhoids. (A tv rolls out and the video is inserted and fade into the clip) Ray: (nasally) Hey... everybody. Hi, family! Uh, I made this because I’m about to die. I’m uh I’m really going to go through with this. (A beat) I’m killing myself! All right, I don’t care what the hell anyone says. You people as family just weren’t a family. You never liked anyone! For more than 9 years I’ve gone through complete hell. But what broke the camel’s back was you guys and your meddling. Mom, you were a meddler and I hope you die one day and go to heaven and meddle in Jesus’s affairs. Cause if you go down there, Satan’ll get tired of ya! I was all set for my debut on SportsCenter. Yes, I got a chance to audition for SportsCenter. All of you guys interrupted my audition. Mom, you spilled Ravioli all over the place. Dad you yelled at Stuart Scott about his Boo-Yah phrase. Debra, you just want me to cook and clean and be a slave to the kids. I’m a man alright. I bet you’re going to be remarried as well. The best part about killing yourself is you get to tie up all of the loose ends. I sold the deed to the house and all of my possessions. I don’t know if the movers came yet. Anyways, I love all you in the neighborhood and thanks for putting up with my family and me through my 9 years of adventures. Hopefully my death will cause them to grieve and maybe die. Maybe Robert will finally get a life. He’s already got enough height, that human control tower! (Cut to the funeral procession. Robert (Garret) runs onto the podium and begins to yell at the video tape) Robert: Well, Raymond. I’m glad to see your death was real tragic. (sarcastic) You killed yourself? Why the hell would you even consider something moronic like that. Doesn’t that cheap Italian head of yours realize that everyone loves you. Look at the freaking title of the whole damn show! It’s Everybody Loves Raymond. They love you, sure they embarrass you, but in real life we love you. Basically because we know that you if you died you would give us your money and possessions. But seeing as how you’re a complete ass-wipe shows me a different Raymond. I see a Raymond, I would like to attack! (Robert starts shouting and opens the casket. He begins punching the dead Raymond. The priest stops him) Priest: This isn’t right! Wait a minute Robert. (A beat) That man didn’t leave me anything, I wanna a free hit also. (The priest and Robert continue punching the corpse. The camera pans back to show all the guests talking and Frank and Marie fighting with each other over the money. The camera also shows Debra hitting on a young man with the kids running around. The camera fades to the credits. As the music plays the screen splits and a CBS exec starts to speak with a pre-taped message) CBS Exec: Hope you enjoyed this alternate finale episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. I personally like big surprises for an ending. Hey I’m an executive, so what I say will usually be done. Now you’re probably wondering what will takeover this time-slot in the future. Well this summer we’re going to show Everybody Loves Raymond in 15 minute eps. We’re going to cut Raymond in half. You’re probably asking why, because all great comedy shows should be shortened in re-runs. Just look at SNL, the viewing public just can’t handle that much comedy. I mean if everyone watched that much comedy they might become enlightened and stop watching Reality TV. What horrible thing that would be! So following the re-runs will be an all new reality show! Who wants to marry my friend-who’s-a-gay-poop-covered-bachelor. If that show gets cancelled then next fall we’ll show a full ½ hour of Trading Body-Parts. Yes, it’s Trading Body Parts, can you handle a big fat black man’s arm on the rest of your body. Two people switch livers, noses or any other piece of the body and the person who lives longer gets to have a minimal cash prize. And we may even attempt to put their mangled body back together. I really don’t know much about that I’m not a writer! But tune in to all these shows because we’re CBS, and without sitcoms like Raymond, we’re just another youth corrupting network! (Screen fades to black) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
