|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Announcer.....Darrell Hammond Michelle / Herself.....Mary-Kate Olson Michelle Again / Herself.....Ashley Olson Danny.....Seth Meyers Jesse.....Rob Riggle Rebecca.....Tina Fey Stephanie.....Lindsay Lohan Nicky.....Fred Armisen Alex.....Will Forte Joey.....Chris Parnell (Fade in) (Black Screen; Text begins to scroll up the screen) Announcer V/O: In the Spring of 1995, ABC cancelled the family sitcom “Full House”. A show that made household names of Mary-Kate Olson, Ashley Olson…and John Stamos, I guess. But television viewers have always wondered what “Full House” would have been like if was still on television. Would the show still be the “campy” and “sappy” family fun as it once was? Well, tonight we will try to prove that…or not prove that. As we present “Full House Updated”. (End scrolling text) (Fade in to the Tanner Family House) (Danny is sitting on the couch; drinking a beer; appears dirty, unshaven; as if he hasn’t showered in awhile) (Enter Michelle & Michelle Again from the front door with bags and suitcases in hand) Michelle & Michelle Again: We’re home! Danny: (Belches) And? Michelle: Dad, we’re home from college! We just finished our freshmen year at UCLA. Danny: I must be severely drunk, but I’m seeing two of you. Michelle Again: Yes Dad. I’m Michelle Again. Remember, that guy cloned Michelle for science…and he agreed to pay for our college tuition. Danny: Don’t remember that! Michelle: Daddy, what’s wrong? (Enter Jesse & Rebecca; Jesse is balding, very hairy body, wearing a dirty wife beater, also appears unshaven; Rebecca seems like she’s aged, but is still good looking for her age) Jesse: Hey Danny, you gotta get out of this drunken stupor you’re in! Michelle: Uncle Jesse, what happened to Daddy? Jesse: “Wake Up San Francisco” got cancelled… Rebecca: And that was like 6 months ago. I’ve gotten over it! (Stephanie enters from the upstairs; She is in her early 20’s now, very youth, has grown into her body; she appears as if she has been working as a “stripper”) Stephanie: Hey Michelle, Michelle Again. Welcome home! Uncle Jesse, is Dad still “messed up”? Jesse: Yeah, he is. I just wish people would give a damn about my problems. Danny: Steph, Daddy needs some excitement. How about a free lap dance? (Stephanie proceeds to give Danny a lap dance) Jesse: Michelle, Michelle Again, are you hungry? You look like the both of you need to eat something. Come on into the kitchen, I’ll fix you a sandwich. (Jesse, Rebecca, Michelle and Michelle Again cross into the kitchen; Jesse proceeds to make the twins a sandwich; Rebecca helps him; Michelle & Michelle Again sit in chairs on that counter) Rebecca: So girls, how’s college? Michelle Again: Pretty good. Michelle developed an eating disorder. Rebecca: Really? You look pretty skinny. Michelle: Umm, let’s not talk about that. Uncle Jesse, when did you start going bald? Jesse: I started going bald when “Jesse & The Rippers” broke up. And now, The Beach Boys won’t return my calls…and the doctors are saying that that my right testicle might be… Rebecca: Jesse, I think you’ve told the girls enough. Michelle: Where is Nicky and Alex? Rebecca: They are upstairs. Hold on. (Rebecca goes to the stairs to call her sons) Nicky! Alex! Your cousins are home from college! Michelle Again: How old are they now? Rebecca: They just turned 12. (Enter Nicky and Alex; both appear like they are immature grown men) Nicky: Michelle, you’re hot! I wish you weren’t my cousin! Alex: I agree, Nicky. I want to have sex with Michelle. Michelle Again: What about me? Alex: You’re “fugly”! Rebecca: Nicky, Alex, go take this sandwich to your Uncle Danny in the living room. Jesse: Yeah, can make sure your cousin Stephanie hasn’t taken her clothes off. (Nicky and Alex bolt out of the kitchen to see is if their cousin is “naked”) Michelle: Where is DJ? Jesse: Oh, I think she’s still in jail. (Joey enters the kitchen from the back door of the house) Joey: (as Bullwinkle) Hello everyone! It’s me, Bullwinkle! I’m so glad to be home from the mental ward! Jesse: Joey, how did you manage to get out of the mental ward? Joey: I was release for annoying behavior. Michelle: Uncle Joey, why do you still talk like cartoon characters? Joey: Because Michelle, I have the mental capacity of a 5 year old! (as Popeye) Oh boy! (Stage goes dark) (Mary-Kate & Ashley Olson walk out into the spot light) Ashley Olson: Folks, the reason for our little presentation tonight was to prove one thing… Mary-Kate Olson: Your favorite shows would become pretty crappy if network executives didn’t pull the plug on them. We’ve learned that the hard way! Ashley Olson: But if we could say one thing to the network executives of CBS, not of ABC or NBC, but CBS… Mary-Kate Olson: You cancelled one of the greatest show in recent years, this week, and I think you should seriously reconsider what you’ve done. “Joan Of Arcadia” was one of the finest shows and you pulled the legs out from under it. If I were you, CBS executives, I wouldn’t open any unusual looking packages. Ashley Olson: Simmer down, Mary-Kate! CBS, you cancelled one of our favorite shows and you shouldn’t have. If you just pulled the head out of your ass, you would realize you made a mistake. We are the Olson Twins…and good night. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
