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.....Tina Fey .....Amy Poehler George W. Bush…Will Forte Brad Pitt.....Seth Meyers Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories. The Russian village of Bolotnikovo was left baffled Thursday after its lake disappeared overnight. Villagers later found the lake standing in line to see the new "Star Wars" movie. "Star Wars: Episode III" opened worldwide this weekend, and has already been seen by billions of fans and three women. Amy Poehler: On Friday, British and American newspapers published photos, presumably taken by U.S. military officials, which show an imprisoned Saddam Hussein dressed only in his underwear. Though the pictures may violate the Geneva Conventions, the former Iraqi dictator was offered eight pages of advertising space in next month's issue of Maxim for cosmetics giant Calvin Klein. And check out the bulge Saddam's packing - I think we've finally found those weapons of mass destruction! Who would have guessed he was hiding the WMDs in his BVDs? Tina Fey: The federal government unveiled plans this week to create a new web site that will list state-by-state information on sex offenders. The site has yet to be named, since it turns out their first choice, Yahoo Personals, is already taken. Wal-Mart is surrendering its online DVD rental business to Netflix Inc., in a sign that the retail giant can't compete with the Internet upstart. So, congratulations to Netflix on their recent acquisition of all those copies of "Weekend At Bernie's II." Amy Poehler: A new state health study in Georgia recently found that obesity contributes to nearly one out of every ten deaths in the southern state. While the other nine deaths continue to be credited to sodomy. In entertainment news, real-estate mogul Donald Trump is developing a musical based on his hit NBC television series, "The Apprentice." Said Trump, it's all part of a diabolical plan to completely discredit himself. Tina Fey: In Hong Kong this week people scrambled up a 46-foot tower covered with Chinese buns and snatched away. And you wonder why you can't understand films that come from there. A Budweiser distributor was fired this week when it was found out that he drank Coors beer. Of course we here at SNL would never do anything like that (Tina reaches under the desk and takes a drink from a mug that says The Daily Show) Amy Poehler: And now here with a personal commentary about the media circus surrounding his recent breakup with Jennifer Aniston, is the sexiest man alive in my book, next to my husband, of course, Brad Pitt! Brad Pitt: Thank you Amy. Thank you for your kind words. America, a lot has been made about my recent breakup from Jennifer Aniston, and I just wanted to come on tonight’s show and shed some light what happened. Our breakup is a complex situation, you must understand… (As Brad Pitt is delivering his commentary, Amy begins an inter-monologue) Amy Poehler V/O: Mrs. Brad Pitt. Mrs. Amy Pitt. Mrs. Amy Poehler-Pitt. Mr. Brad Poehler. Eh! Who am I kidding? Will Arnett is the best I will ever get. (Looks over at Tina Fey) Look at Tina. She thinks she’s all hot because she’s having a baby. Hey Tina, good luck on that baby thing you got going on there. Pretty soon we can start calling you, “Fat Ass Fey”! Burned! Oh snap! (Looks over at Brad Pitt) I wish Brad would stop talking and take off his shirt. Sexy! (Brad continues his commentary; Tina begins her “inter-monologue”) Tina Fey V/O: Mrs. Brad Pitt. Mrs. Tina Pitt. Mrs. Tina Fey-Pitt. Mr. Brad Fey. Eh! Who am I kidding? I love Jeff Richmond and we are having a baby. Yahoo! (Looks over at Amy Poehler) Hey Amy, do you have a little children growing in your stomach? I don’t think so! Preggers in the house! Yahoo! Hey Preggers, it’s your birthday; you got a baby in your stomach! Yahoo! (Looks over at Brad Pitt) I hope Brad finishes his commentary soon. I’m hungry. I got me a hankering for some Chinese food dipped in hot fudge! Yeah! I wish Brad would stop talking and talk off his shirt. Sexy! (As Tina’s inter-monologue ends, Brad’s commentary continues, but at the same time, Brad starts his own “inter-monologue”) Brad Pitt V/O: Why am I still talking? I haven’t said one humorous thing since I got up here. God, I wish I knew how do end this commentary…so I could take off my shirt. Idea! (Brad’s monologue ends) Brad Pitt: And that is why Jennifer and I broke up. And now, what you’ve all been waiting for… (Brad Pitt takes off his shirt) Thank you, I’m Brad Pitt! Good night! Amy Poehler: The sexy Brad Pitt, everyone! Tina Fey: This week, “America West” and “US Air” agreed to merge their airlines. Still no word on what will happen first, the “doing away” with peanuts or the “doing away” with pillows. In Spokane, Washington, the city council will soon vote on whether to demand the resignation of Mayor James West, who has been accused of offering city jobs to men he met in gay online chat rooms. In a related story, former New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey wants to know what “sign” James West is. Amy Poehler: This week, Indiana decided to officially make the entire state recognize Daylight Savings Time. Up next on the Indiana's to-do list, not burning any more professors who say the earth revolves around the sun. The CBS show "Everybody Loves Raymond" ended after nine years on the air, at the farewell party it was announced that "Everybody loathes Raymond with a pure hatred that can't be matched." A report this week realizes that gangs are using “voodoo” to trap their sex slaves. In a related story, “voodoo” the same kind of black magic that led to the new fall lineup on CBS. Tina Fey: The US and North Korea officials met for the first time in 5 months this past week amid increasing signs that North Korea is taking steps to advance its nuclear program. Surprisingly, boxing promoter Don King was on hand for the meeting and shouted over the national officials, “It’s gonna be World War III! Two amazing forces against each other! Time for a thrilla in North Korea!” A bill that is about to be presented on Capitol Hill, this coming week, details the need to limit the female role in combat. One representative commented on the bill saying, “Women can only do so much in combat. I mean, after all, they do have that ‘vagina’ thing that seems to give them problems, then that whole “menstruation” thing that seems to bog them down.” Amy Poehler: British Prime Minister Tony Blair was treated this past Thursday night in a North London hospital for a “slipped disc” in his back. Doctors said that the back problem the Prime Minister has been dealing with could have something to do with the infected tattoo on Blair's butt that reads “Bush’s BITCH!” A goat farmer in Longmont, Colorado is now facing charges for animal cruelty when he used one of his goats in a recent “animal porn” venture. Attempting to defend himself, the farmer said, “Hey, what happens between a goat farmer and his goats in the privacy of farmer’s property is their own business. So there!” Tina Fey: The Reverend Al Sharpton said this week that FOX must apologize to the Black community for the lack of black programs on their network. Sharpton was “angered” by they fact that the only black person on American Idol (Randy Jackson) is a black stereotype and the fact that the network did not pick up Sharpton’s situation comedy “The Reverend Is In Da House!” for the new fall season. And now here with a personal commentary is the current president of the United States, George W. Bush! George W. Bush: Thank you. Now, I recently watched an episode of “The West Wing” and personally, I think the show is severely overrated. There are so many things about the show that are false. Like, Martin Sheen goes into the press conference room and gives this dramatic speech about how America is about to send troops to a foreign nation and start bombing because the militant leader of that nation is killing people at random. Martin Sheen gives this moving speech about how “unjust” and yet, how “just” bombing that country is. That’s not real! When I finally decided to invade Iraq, I walked into the Oval Office and said, “We’re going to bomb Iraq, because my daddy said so!” That’s the truth! Another thing that’s not true, the President on “The West Wing”, Martin Sheen, looks nothing like me! I mean come on! That’s a lazy make-up artist! And here’s another thing, I heard ABC is about to do a new drama where Geena Davis plays the President of The United States. What the heck does ABC think they are doing? First off, woman can’t be President! Come on! I’ve got an idea, how about you do a show where Oprah tries to become President. Yeah, that would certainly be a ratings blockbuster, but guess what, women and black people cannot vote, let alone try to become President! Tina Fey: Actually, Mr. President, women and black people can vote, and become President. George W. Bush: Wait a second, Tina, Amy…you can’t be doing the news! Women aren’t allowed to do the news! I passed a bill barring women and black people from doing the news! Tina, why are you getting so fat? Tina Fey: I’m like 4 months pregnant. George W. Bush: WHAT?! You can’t be pregnant! I passed a bill barring women and black people from becoming pregnant. Amy Poehler: Wow. You’re really against women and black people! George W. Bush: Amy, who told you that you could speak! I passed a bill barring women and black people from speaking! Now, shut your face, before I tell the authorities that you just spoke! Tina Fey: But Mr. President, aren’t you the “authority”? George W. Bush: Shut it, Tina Fey! How dare you question my “authority”! (Pause) I’m just playing! What kind of “authority” do I have? I mean, who do I look like, the President of the United States? Tina Fey: You are the President, Mr. President. George W. Bush: Didn’t you think I was joking? Now, this is the end of Weekend Update. Amy and Tina can’t talk! Remember, women and black people can’t talk, otherwise…well, I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen to you. For Tina and Amy, I’m President George W. Bush. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
