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Mr. Parker... Lewis Black Mr. Reynolds... Darrell Hammond Mr. Tompkins... Finesse Mitchell Mr. Francis... Rob Riggle Mr. Martinez... Finesse Mitchell Rabbi Weissman... Chris Parnell (Open on a corporate boardroom in the early afternoon; wooden walls, potted plants in the corners, a dry erase board on the wall, common material for such a setting. Five men are sitting at a table in the center of the room, going over figures and reports. Mr. Parker, the CEO, sits at the head of the table. As the other executives discuss the reports, Parker stands up to address his colleagues.) Mr. Parker: All right, gentlemen. You've had time to look over the figures, so now you know how dire things are. Once again, our profits are down tremendously, sales have decreased by forty-two percent, and our advertising campaigns are a complete failure. This is unacceptable. (The executives murmur amongst themselves in agreement. Parker clears his throat to get their attention.) Mr. Parker: I won't lie to you, gentlemen. Our business is on the verge of bankruptcy. One year in the red is understandable. Two, even three years below average presents a chance for recovery. (he raises his voice to emphasize the importance of the matter) But we are entering our sixty first consecutive year in the red! Now we cannot let a company with such a long and proud history crumble without putting up a fight! You are the best and brightest employed here, and you are our only hope for salvation. We are not going to leave this room until we figure how we can get more people to start buying Hitler Coffee! Executives: Yeah! Mr. Parker: (pleased) That's what I wanted to hear. Now, we've got to brainstorm. (He turns to address Mr. Reynolds on his left) Reynolds, any ideas? (Mr. Reynolds stands up to speak) Mr. Reynolds: Well Mr. Parker, since our sales here in the US have been, shall we say... lackluster, I've put my division into increasing foreign sales. Mr. Parker: Mm-hmm. And how is that working out? Mr. Reynolds: Well sir, we have found quite a few successful markets. There are certain countries where Hitler Coffee appeals to the people there: Saudi Arabia, Syria, Indonesia, the Palestinian territories. Even a few locations in Germany. It has some kind of resonance there, but whatever draws them to it, I don't know. Mr. Parker: Glad to hear it, Reynolds. Overseas sales are promising, but our primary interest is increasing sales in America. Any luck on that end? Mr. Reynolds: (with diminished enthusiasm) Sad to say, we're falling very short in that aspect, sir. Our distribution throughout the Great 48, Alaska and Hawaii is virtually nothing. The only good fortune we're having is an organization in Montana that orders bulk shipments every month. I believe it's some kind of government complex, the "A. Ryan Nation Compound." Mr. Parker: Yes, I read about that in the quarterly report. That's a very promising market. See if you can find similar groups who'd be interested in our product. Now, Tompkins, how's that promotional campaing you've drummed up been coming along. (Mr. Tompkins, an African-American man with a black eye, stitches on his forehead and his right arm in a sling, gets up and sighs despondently) Mr. Tompkins: (dejected) In all honesty, sir. It was a complete and utter failure. I had a meeting with the mayor earlier this week, and when I told him about our proposal he was ready to throw me out on the spot. He said that there would be no way in hell the city of Chicago would sponsor such a "horrendous" event. Mr. Parker: (confused) Jesus, I had no idea the mayor hated Mr. Tompkins: (sighs) Following my debacle here, I decided to take our campaign to a smaller town. You know, to get our product's name out among the public. So we took one of the vans and some of our coffee to Skokie, and... I don't know what happened, but the people there just flipped out. (He points out his bruises) And you don't wanna see what they did to the van. Mr. Parker: (confused/agitated) What on earth do these people have against coffee?! All right, all right, let's put that disaster behind us. We've got to focus on the future. (He slams his hand on the table) Francis! How's the new ad strategy coming along? (Francis stands up after being addressed) Mr. Francis: Slowly but surely, Mr. Parker. The advertising department has been trying to develop a slogan that will resonate with our product. You know, something catchy that people can remember. Like the Foldger's jingle. (He sings the Foldger's jingle to illustrate his point.) "The best part of waking up, is Hitler in your cup." (stops singing) You know, something like that. We came up with one that we thought you might like. Tell me what you think. "Hitler Coffee, the Leader in Taste." (Parker scratches his chin in contemplation, and gives a thin-lipped smile) Mr. Parker: Sounds good... it sounds good. But it seems just a little too wordy. What if it were shortened? Cut it down to just, "Hitler Coffee: the Leader." Mr. Martinez: Uh, sir, if I may make a suggestion, what if we present it in a foreign language? To give it an air of sophistication. Mr. Parker: Great idea, Martinez. Now let me see... (he mutters under his breath for a few seconds), I can recall a bit of German from college, what was the German word for "leader". (he mulls the possibilities about, then looks pleased as he remembers.) Fuerher! That's it! "Hitler Coffee: Der Fuerher!" Mr. Reynolds: Wow, that is an incredible slogan, sir. It sounds so forceful, so powerful. Mr. Francis: (running with the positive attitude) Yeah, yeah. And we could put a logo on our coffee. You know, like Juan Valdez, a symbol that they can associate with us. And I think I have the right symbol for us. (Francis gets up from his chair and walks over to the dry erase board. He gets a marker and draws an inverted swastika [edges pointing to the left instead of the right]. He points out the drawing to his colleagues.) I saw it in one of my daughter's mythology books. It's an old charm for good fortune and prosperity. Something nice to think about when you've having that first cup of joe in the morning. Mr. Parker: (jubilantly) Francis, that is genius! When people see that, their reactions will be emphatic! Now more consumers will know what they can relate Hitler Coffee too. (The men nod and chat in agreement. Parker turns to Martinez and speaks to him.) Mr. Parker: Now, Martinez, you said that you had something with you to find out a way over our slump? Mr. Martinez: Not something, sir, someone. You guys know that I converted to Judaism a couple weeks back for my girlfriend, right? Mr. Tompkins: Oh, yeah man. How's that been going for you? Mr. Martinez: It's going rather well, but there's quite a lot I'm not used to. For one thing, you won't believe what they say I have to do to my... (he whistles and motions towards his crotch) Other Executives: Oh. Mr. Martinez: Yeah, it's kind of freaky. But getting back on topic, I went with her to one of the services last week, and I was talking about the problems we've been having here. The rabbi happened to overhear us, and he offered to help us figure out how to improve our business. Should we bring him in now? Mr. Parker: Of course, no reason to keep him waiting. (He presses a buzzer on the intercom before him and speaks into it.) Debbie, will you please send the rabbi in? Thank you. (Rabbi Weissman, a middle aged Jewish holy man dressed in a casual suit and yarmulke, enters the boardroom. Martinez gets up, approaches him, and shakes his hand.) Mr. Martinez: Thank you again for coming, Rabbi Weissman. You don't know how much we appreciate your assistance. Rabbi Weissman: (nonchalantly) Think nothing of it, my son. I'm always pleased to help a member of the... (he trails off as he sees the swastika drawn on the dry erase board. Put off by the symbol, he turns to Martinez and speaks quietly) Are you sure I should be here. Mr. Parker: Rabbi Weissman, I echo my colleague's sentiments in welcoming you to our business and offering our gratitude for your aid. Our business is in desperate need of all the help we can get. Mr. Tompkins: (chuckling) Heh, yeah. It should be easy for you to figure out what we should do. I hear you Jewish guys are great with making money. (Weissman and Martinez look shocked at this comment. Parker narrows his eyes menacingly at Tompkins) Mr. Parker: (angrily) Tompkins! I can't believe you! How can you resort to such foolish stereotypes! Mr. Tompkins: (apologetic) You're, you're right, sir. I'm sorry, rabbi. Mr. Parker: (still angry) Honestly, I expect better from you, Tompkins. Hitler Coffee is no place for prejudice! (After hearing this ironic statement, Weissman appears greatly puzzled.) Mr. Parker: I apologize, your holiness. Please, take a seat. (He pulls out a seat, and Weissman sits down) Would you care for some coffee? We make it fresh every morning. Rabbi Weissman: (hesitant) I'll pass, thank you. (a beat) Now, Mr. Martinez informed me of your predicament last Saturday, and I think that I can help you out. But first, I have to ask a few questions. For example... where on earth did this business get its name? Mr. Parker: It was named after its founder, Walter Franklin Hitler. One of Chicago's most ingenious businessmen, and a charitable philanthropist. Sadly, his name is hardly known today. His brand of coffee is his only legacy left. Rabbi Weissman: I see. And how long has your company been having problems selling its product. Mr. Parker: (sighs) Longer than we'd like. When Walter first started back in 1890, it grew rather quickly due to prudent business skills. Within years it was one of Chicago's most profitable companies, and it kept expanding throughout Illinois and the states for decades. Then in the 1940s, for some reason, sales dropped to practically nothing. It was as though something had turned everyone off of Hitler Coffee. Whatever it was, we could never identify it or fix it, and we've been gasping for breath ever since. Rabbi Weissman: (incredulous) You can't tell what drove people away? Honestly, are you all that... (he stops to regain his composure, then speaks in a calmer tone). I mean, there is a simple solution to your problem. Couldn't you simply change the name of the coffee? (At this suggestion, the executives are in an uproar. Shouts of "Outrageous!" and "That could never happen" are heard.) Mr. Reynolds: Are you insane, man. Parker just told you this is the only thing still carrying Hitler's name! We can't let his legacy die. People need to know about Hilter and what he did! Rabbi Weissman: (losing patience) All right, all right, I understand your concerns. However, there is something you should consider. You may not realize it, but your coffee happens to offend a great number of people. Particularly the Jewish people. Mr. Martinez: It doesn't seem to offend me, rabbi. Rabbi Weissman: Not you, my son. (Parker sits and thinks for a while, then looks up and smiles) Mr. Parker: Of course, I see it perfectly now! Thank you rabbi for showing us the right path! Rabbi Weissman: (with fake humility) Oh, think nothing of it. I'm glad I could be of assistance. Mr. Parker: You were a greater help than you realize, rabbi. No longer will the Jewish people be offended by our product. From now on, Hitler Coffee will be kosher! Rabbi Weissman: (shocked) What?! Mr. Parker: Yes, if we prepare it so it's kosher, then it can't possibly offend Jewish consumers. Mr. Francis: Brilliant idea, sir! Mr. Reynolds: Genius. Rabbi Weissman: (aggravated) Oy vey. (He gets up from his chair) Sorry, but I've got to leave, I'm feeling rather ill. Mr. Martinez: See you rabbi, and thanks again for your help. Oh, have you given any thought to my idea for a salsa night at the temple? (Weissman grumbles and walks out the door, slamming it behind him.) Mr. Parker: This was a very productive meeting, gentlemen. I'm quite pleased with the ideas we've generated. Now, I'm afraid I must leave as well. I've reserved a concession booth for our coffee at a celebration honoring veterans of the Battle of the Bulge. What would these living legend enjoy more than a refreshing cup of Hitler Coffee? (He stands up and prepares to leave.) I will see you all tomorrow, gentlemen. (Upon rising, he pulls a thick red band out of his pocket and pushes it up on his arm until it's past his elbow on the sleeve, much like a Nazi armband) Mr. Tompkins: What's that for, sir. Mr. Parker: It's from the Red Cross. I gave blood yesterday, thought perhaps this could help motivate other people into donating. It's always worth a shot. Have a good day, gentlemen. (Parker walks towards the door in a goose-stepping fashion) Ow! Damn leg cramps! (Parker leaves the room. The other executives begin speaking once he's left) (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
