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Al Franken.....Lewis Black Reporter #1.....Rob Riggle Reporter #2.....Jason Sudeikis Reporter #3.....Fred Armisen Tom Davis.....Darrell Hammond (Open to a press conference setting. Al Franken enters and casually walks to the podium) Al Franken: You know I uh, I want to take this opportunity to ah say that I am happy to answer all questions. I’ve got some new projects coming up. This Christmas I will be producing my first movie. It will be the book Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them, in movie form. The fabulous Jeff Richards will be playing Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh. I know that the little maggot did an unruly impression of me. But hey, I love the guy, and he really sucked up to me. So I had to give him a part. Now ah, I will take some questions! Reporter #2: In your latest commercial for the Al Franken show you’re trying to show yourself as an all American guy. What the hell was the point of that? Al Franken: Well, I’m just saying that I’m uh not the average American. I think my political comments prove that point. Reporter #3: Well, you’re a white male, I think you. Are you saying liberals aren’t American enough. Al Franken: Well... I mean that whole redneck mentality. It’s primarily with conservatives. So in a way being a conservative is more American. Reporter #1: Are you saying that being a red-neck racist is more American? Al Franken: No, I’m saying being liberal is un-American. (The reporters start talk amongst themselves. Franken looks a bit disturbed) Al Franken: Wait, I mean that uh. Wow, that did not come out right! Reporter #1: Changing topics, what do you think about the current state of Saturday Night Live? Al Franken: I uh don’t see how I could ever respect that corrupt establishment. I think everyone ever involved on Saturday Night Live should roll over and die! Reporter #2: Mr. Franken, you were on that show. In fact they call you one of the best writers and the longest featured player of the show’s history. Al Franken: (laughs) I’ve never had any connection with that show whatsoever. That said, I can say that I don’t agree with any of its current practices. They allowed Paris Hilton to host. It’s just become a gimmick show concocted by an old conservative white man who make lies to the public! Reporter #3: That’s interesting. So you are denying ever working for SNL. You realize you’ve been credited with that show since 94'. Al Franken: Clearly you are confusing me with someone also named Al Franken who looks similar to me and who also uses a lot of uhs and yeahs when he talks. I’m a man who has hated conservatives all my life! Reporter #2: So what have you done since 1975! Al Franken: It’s pretty obvious what I’ve been doing; I’ve been in Indonesia serving as the tribal goat biter! Reporter #1: A tribal goat biter? Tribes in Indonesia have those? Al Franken: I don’t want to sound harsh but, yes they have tribal goat biters. Reporter: What you just said was another racist statement, something you may find a conservative saying? Al Franken: I uh, I did marijuana! I’ve done so much weed in my day. I’ve seen more grass than John Deere! Reporter#2: Are you seriously going to say that you were an Indonesian Tribal Goat biter! Al Franken: It was Rush Limbaugh’s goat! No... it was Bill O- no George Bush’s goat. (A beat) Reporter #3: So you’re lying. Al Franken you are feeding the media a bunch of lies! Al Franken: No, I’m no liar. The right wing conservative council is the liar! Nnnooo! (He breaks down and collapses behind the podium. The entire group of reporters begin muttering amongst themselves) Al Franken: (starts singing while sobbing) "And birds go flying at the speed of sound to show you how it all began." Reporter #1: Mr. Franken, why are you singing Coldplay’s latest hit? Al Franken: (angrily gets up and yells) I’m on speed, at this very moment. Look, I’ve got a radio broadcast and a tv show on the Sundance Channel! Why is there a goddamn Sundance Channel? I’m sure people want to watch subtle and artistic movies at 1 in the morning. Then I’m doing all these speeches and appearances for the Democratic Party! Aaahhh! (Tom Davis stands up amidst the reporters and talks to Franken) Tom Davis: It’s me Al, your writing partner from Saturday Night Live, I’m Tom Davis. Al Franken: Tom Davis, that name is familiar to me. Are you a waiter at The Sizzler? Tom: No. Al Franken: Are you my insurance agent? Because I was never on Saturday Night Live!!! Haven’t you people heard of Celebrity-Look-a-likes? Just the other day, I saw a guy who looked like Tim Robbins. Tom Davis: Don’t you mean, he’s a Has-Been-Look-a-like! Hahaha. (Reporters start to laugh) Tom Davis: Aha yeah, I’ve still got it. These comedy chops haven’t lost their shine! I’m Tom Davis, and you can see me perform stand-up (a beat) in the kitchen of the Sizzler. Yes, I work there, but I’m head bus-boy okay. Al Franken: I don’t understand what everyone is laughing at! Americans laughs at the most unfunny things. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!! (calms down a bit). Alright, this press conference is over. (Al Franken angrily leaves the podium and the scene fades to black) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
