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J.P. Richardson.....Lewis Black
[ open on creepy-looking mortician, completely dressed in black, standing in front of his funeral home in the dark, with ominous lightning flashing in the background ] J.P. Richardson: [ in phony Bela Lugosi accent ] Would you like to buy a burial plot? I'm J.P. Richardson, owner and proprieter of Richardson's Funeral Home, and we're having an exciting burial plot sale throughout the month of June. [ lets out a psychotic burst of laughter, as lightning strikes in background ] Any type of burial plot you want is yours for the asking - and a modest sum of $5,000. All you have to do to qualify for this exciting offer is to die, or plan to die! [ lets out another psychotic burst of laughter, as lightning strikes in background ] And if you buy two burial plots, I'll throw the casket in for free - which is sure to come in handy so your next-of-kin can throw you into the casket! [ lets out another psychotic burst of laughter, as lightning strikes in background ] Watch, as I explain the patented Richardson's Burial System. [ presents an ill-balanced easel ] Upon your untimely death, we place your body inside the casket and bury it ten feet below the ground - any deeper, and we might violate zoning regulations. [ light psychotic laughter, small burst of lightning ] Once your body is buried snugly under the earth, we enforce a two-day moratorium before inviting ants, roaches, and other ground-dwelling creatures to chew through the casket and [ makes quotes sign with fingers ] "take care of business." [ lets out another psychotic burst of laughter, as lightning strikes in background ] At Richardson's Funeral Home, the circle of life is more than just scientific evidence, it's plain, common sense. Also, don't forget to ask us to stamp your Richardson's Frequent Mourner Discount Card, where every tenth funeral is free. It's the best deal this side of being alive! [ lets out another psychotic burst of laughter, as lightning strikes in background ] So if you wish to die in comfort and with peace of mind, then come purchase a burial plot during out month-long sale. You'll be dying to have one! [ lets out another psychotic burst of laughter, as lightning strikes in background ] [ dissolve to title card ] Announcer: Richardson's Funeral Home. Located near the slaughterhouse on I-55. [ accompanied by Richardson's head superimposed over title card, Richardson and the Announcer let out shared psychotic bursts of laughter, as lightning strikes in background ] [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
