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Announcer.....Darrell Hammond Dennis Miller.....Dana Carvey Tim.....Chris Parnell Marshall.....Kenan Thompson Customer One.....Rob Riggle Customer Two.....Lewis Black Customer Three.....Horatio Sanz .....John McEnroe (Fade in) Announcer: In May 2005, CNBC was forced to cancel yet another brilliant show from their network. “The Dennis Miller Show” was cancelled due to low ratings. Because of this development, Dennis Miller was forced to take a minimum-wage job at a fast food restaurant. This is what has developed… (Fade in to a busy McDonald’s location somewhere in California) Tim: …and Dennis, this is how you work the register, it’s real easy. Dennis Miller: You know what? If I can work this register, then certainly the pimply-faced kid in the back can work this thing! If I can, then certainly any person in America with an IQ of at least 80 can! I guess that leaves out the President of the United States! Ha ha! Tim: Okay Dennis, now start taking care of the customers! If you have any problems, you can ask Marshall. I’ll be in the back, making sure my hair looks “manager-able”. Dennis Miller: Sounds like a plan, amigo! (To Marshall) Hey my brother, is that guy a homosexual or what? He makes Carson from “Queer Eye” look like a lumberjack! Marshall: I don’t know about that dude, but whatever! Start taking care of the customers before they start bitching! Dennis Miller: Okay, pal! Hello. Welcome to McDonald’s! My name is Dennis Miller. How may I take your order? Customer One: Yeah. I’d like Big Mac with no pickles! Dennis Miller: A Big Mac with no pickles? Dude, speak English! This is the technological age and we’re still using words like ‘BIG’! What the hell is Bill Gates doing up in his Ivory Tower, beyond jerking off to his billions of dollars? Customer One: Dude, can you just give me my Big Mac and let me go on my way? Dennis Miller: Easy, my friend! You will get your “Big Mac” once you start reacting to my humorous anecdotes! So tell me, what is the deal with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. I was reading People Magazine when I was on the can this morning, and I was like, what’s the deal? He’s the troll looking guy from “TOP GUN” and how old is this pop tart? What is she, like 12? What going on with that one? Customer One: Dude, just give me my BIG MAC, for crying out loud! Dennis Miller: Okay, here…(hands Customer One his BIG MAC) Hey, I’m just trying to make you smile! Customer One: No wonder your show got cancelled! (Customer One walks away) Marshall: Dennis, our motto is “I’m Lovin’ It!” Dennis Miller: Thanks for the heads up, padre! Welcome to McDonald’s, my name is Dennis Miller! How can I take your order? Customer Two: Yes. I’d like a Number 5 with a Diet Coke. Dennis Miller: A Number 5 with a Diet Coke? That’s pretty funny, my friend. Hey Marshall, you might get a kick out of this. Why do people order the unhealthiest thing on the menu and then order a Diet Coke? It just doesn’t make any sense! And it always seems to be the “out-of-shape” guys, too! Marshall: Dennis, it does make sense…it’s one of those ironic things in life! Dennis Miller: That’s deep my ebony friend! Customer Two: I COULD REALLY CARE LESS ABOUT YOUR UNFUNNY BANTER! MY BLOOD SUGAR IS VERY LOW RIGHT NOW! GIVE ME MY FRIGGIN… (Customer Two drops to the ground, as he is having a heart attack; Marshall rushes to Customer Two side) Dennis Miller: Hey babe, stop yelling at me! You’re the one having the heart attack! Marshall: Dennis, get the manager! Dennis Miller: Okay babe! Hey Tim, some fat guy is having a heart attack out here! (Tim, the manager rushes to the front counter to help the situation) Tim: Dennis, what the hell happened here? Dennis Miller: Hey, I was just taking his order and he started to have a heart attack. The guy must really love the food here, because he had his heart attack here! That’s rather noble of him! Customer Two: (To Tim) Your hair looks really manager-able. (Passes out) Tim: Marshall, pull this guy into a booth and I’ll call an ambulance! Dennis, take care of the rest of the customers. (Marshall proceeds to pull Customer Two off stage) Dennis Miller: Okay. Sounds like a plan to me! Hello. Welcome to McDonald’s! My name is Dennis Miller and what can I tell you! How can I take your order? Customer Three: I’d like 3 Big Macs and… Dennis Miller: Listen cha-cha, if you keep cramming Big Macs down your piehole, you're gonna make Ruben Studdard look like Kate Moss! Customer Three: Hey! What the hell! (Returns to his ordering) …and super-sized fries! Dennis Miller: You keep munching down fries like this, your cholesterol is gonna be higher than Snoop Dogg at the Bonnarroo festival! Customer Three: What the hell! I want to speak to your manager! Dennis Miller: Okay, whatever you say, Mama Cass! Hey Tim, Boba Fet wants to talk to you, up here! (Re-enters Tim) Tim: Hello. I’m Tim. How can I help you? Customer Three: This guy keeps making fun of my weight! Oh, by the way, your hair looks really “manager-able”. Tim: Fine. Dennis, have you been making fun of this customer? Dennis Miller: Yeah, I have, babe! Look at him…he makes Dick Cheney look healthy! Hey buddy, its called “Jenny Craig”! Yeah, and I think they do “pro-bono” work, too! Tim: Dennis, you’re fired! Dennis Miller: Okay, Donald Trump! (Begins to walk out of the restaurant) Guess what, folks, that’s the news and I am out of here! (Dennis Miller exits) Tim: McEnroe, get up here! We need someone to take the customer’s orders. (Enter from the kitchen, John McEnroe) John McEnroe: Hello. I’m former tennis pro John McEnroe, how can I take your order, today? Customer Three: I’d like 3 Big Macs and a super-sized fry… John McEnroe: YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS! Look at you! You look like Carney Wilson before lipo! (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
