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...Lewis Black
Don Pardo: Ladies and Gentlemen, Lewis Black! (BLACK ENTERS, AUDIENCE APPLAUDS--AS WELL AS CHANTING "LEW!". BLACK GIVE HIS SIGNATURE "CALM DOWN" HAND GESTURING, AND THE AUDIENCE DOES.) Lewis Black: You people have no idea how overexcited you are, especially for a show like this. I'm especially concerned with the folks at home watching, who think I'm being booed by you guys whenever you go out and scream "Lew, Lew!". Because if the audience at home thinks that the audience here thinks I suck, then they at home will think I suck. And then, that'll create enough of a self-confidence killer for me that's so big, I'll start to think I suck! That puts a lot of god damn pressure on me; and as you may know, I never respond well to Pressure! Anyway, it's great to be doing this show in the summer, when nothing happens. And I don't mean that there's no major newsworthy events happening, cause that kind of crap happens all the time! I'm saying that it's great to do a show when there are no holidays sticking it's ass into everything. No Holidays in June, no holidays in August, and all July has is the 4th of July which is really an excuse to discharge all the illegal fire arms that you've had lying around all year! But it didn't always used to be this quiet; Back in the day, the owners of various department stores came up with something that they claimed would help boost lagging sales during the summer; but in reality, their secret plan was to make some people's minds--including my own--Implode! And I am talking, of course, about the "Christmas In July" sales. It's bad enough that Christmas has to unofficially start the day after Thanksgiving in most stores, it's even worse when they start to put the decorations up in October, but JULY?! Here we are, just getting over a mental breakdown with last Christmas, and here are the schmucks who run stores like JC Penney reminding us that there's no escape! Why do they want to speed up a process like this?! So that the psychiatrists of this country can buy themselves another Mercedes! I remember Last Christmas vividly...as some of you know, I'm jewish, but I had a lot of christian friends. So whenever I went to places like Macy's or Sears or Bed Bath and Beyond, I felt like I was a bullet being cocked in a gun that's ready to be fired out and explode in some guy's head! I went shopping the day after thanksgiving, because I am an Idiot! And as if the maddening crowds that lined up to buy the latest piece of crap endorsed by Ty Pennington wasn't bad enough, I had to stand on a line that was literally a mile long. And all that time I was waiting on line, all I could hear over the crowds was the bile inducing body heave I call holiday music. So called "Holiday Classics" that were either infused with a jazz sound, or a mariachi band or being performed by the Freakin' Blue Man Group! And I thought to myself, "Well Lew, this is the year. This is the year where you really are going to need Psychiatric care!" Let me tell you something about Holiday music; The day after Thanksgiving, all stores everywhere were playing holiday songs. Don't get me wrong, some songs I actually do tolerate. But for god's sake, how many god damn renditions of "Frosty The Snowman" do I have to hear until I get the god damn point?! We all know the story by now, don't we? He puts on a hat, he can walk around, and none of us are on LSD! And trust me, I've been on LSD, and If I saw a snowman walking around and going "Thumpety thump thump", I would take my car and drive it off the nearest overpass with myself inside; so I could spare myself from seeing such a sight again! The way that department stores play music during the holiday season is relentless. Oh, they play songs like "Frosty the Snowman" As well as a whole slew of other songs that make me feel all the more relieved that I'm Jewish. By my count that day, I have heard 12 versions of "Frosty", 16 versions of "Rudolph", 22 Versions of "Jingle Bells", 13 Versions of "Deck The Halls", 7 Versions of "White Christmas", 9 Versions of "Here Comes Santa Claus" and cinco versones de Feliz Navidad all in the course of 3 hours, When all I need to buy were some god damn tube socks, and a Ty Pennington endorsed hammer--so I could bash my head in and forget about standing in line for 3 HOURS!! As if listening to these songs ad nausium isn't bad enough, there is one song in that bunch that is like the atomic bomb of Holiday songs. Everyone has theirs, but they're probably too afraid to admit what theirs is. For me, the song that sets me off the fastest is "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year". That song, I feel, is the first corporately manufactured Christmas song that was ever written. And if it weren't for that song, there wouldn't be a "Jingle Bell Rock" or a cascade of other pieces of Yuletide crap! Now once again, don't get me wrong, The song itself is OK for the most part. (BLACK PULLS OUT LINER NOTES FROM HIS JACKET) But there is a certain lyric in the song that every time I hear it, I have the urge to program my brain to turn on and off just long enough so that I can endure a seizure that'll help me forget it. The Lyric is as follows... "...There'll be parties for toasting marshmallows for roasting and carrolers out in the snow. There'll be SCARY GHOST STORIES and tales of the glorious Christmas' long, long ago." For those of you who giggled when I said "Scary Ghost Stories" just now, you are way ahead of me, and you deserve a prize! I mean, c'mon, Scary Ghost Stories?! What the hell kind of Ghost stories do you tell at CHRISTMAS TIME?! I asked a guy on the street that very question, to which he was being a smart-ass and replied " 'A Christmas Carrol', because of Ebeneezer Scrooge being visited by ghosts in his sleep." To which I replied, "'A Christmas Carrol?!' Kiss My Dick!" (WILD APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE) If any of you think that "A Christmas Carrol" was an example of a Scary ghost story, why don't you work on a way to travel back in time to the late 1800s when it might have been a valid argument! Christmas is scary enough, now a song is trying to suggest adding an additional element that helps us clear the crap out of our ass faster?! You want an idea for a scary story to tell your kids at Christmas time? I've got one for you, Once upon a time...THERE'S NO SANTA!!!! There's no Magic Sack, there's no sled, there's no reindeer! There are no elves, there's no Santa's workshop, all of those things don't exist! You want to know where your presents come from? Mommy and daddy go to the mall on the busiest god damn shopping day of the year; and in doing so, they get stuck in long lines listening to dreck like "The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!!!" Then when they come home from all that shopping, mommy and daddy will either pour themselves a stiff drink or stick their heads in the very oven where last night's Thanksgiving dinner was made, whichever makes them more comfortable...And they all lived happily ever after, The End! Now off to bed kids. We have a show for you tonight, exactly how good the show will be is entirely up to you, My Chemical Romance is here... (APPLAUSE) Stick around, give me a second to breathe, and we'll be right back. (FADE OUT) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
