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Sally Fizzek.....Rachel Dratch Don Rivers.....Lewis Black Dukofsky.....Finesse Mitchell Kylie.....Amy Poehler Scoutmaster.....Chris Parnell [ fade in ] [ int. Studio – Day ] [ Sally Fizzek is leading a public television pledge drive. Behind her is a troop of boy scouts manning the phones. ] Sally Fizzek: Welcome back to our studio here at CPTV. I'm Sally Fizzek and I hope you're enjoying "The Art of Cocktailing with The Black Russian." We'll be going back to the program in just a minute. Right now though, I'd like to speak directly to you. Do you enjoy programming like this? All you have to do is call the number you see on the screen and pledge what you can to help great programming like this continue. [ SUPER: 1-800-555-CPTV ] [ Text under super rotates through "Pledge Your Support" "Number Isn't Real" "This Is Just A Sketch" and "Look What I Wrote – POOP" ] Sally Fizzek: Right across the room is Don Rivers, who is going to tell you all about our different membership levels. Don? [ Don Rivers is standing by a table with the various pledge prizes on it ] Don Rivers: Thanks Sally. [ picks up towel ] For just $35 we'll send you this CPTV logo golf towel. It's small and compact, and can be used just about anywhere, whether you can hit a hole-in-one or not. It's made of cotton and double-seamed to prevent frays. Just $35, and you're also supporting this great program. We've got Troop 223 here just waiting to take your pledges and send you this great golf towel. [ Don puts down golf towel and picks up CPTV Tennis Racket covers ] Don Rivers: Those of you who choose to pledge $50 can receive this terrific set of tennis racket covers. Keep your tennis rackets and in great condition and show off your love for CPTV programming with this fabulous prize. They're great for anyone, whether they play tennis or n— actually, they're pretty useless if you don't play tennis. You're better off getting the towel. Heck, even if you do play tennis, you can just wrap your racket in the towel. Stick with the golf towel, it's both versatile and practical. Back to you, Sally. Sally Fizzek: We're going to go back to "The Black Russian" now, but stick around as we have more great prizes to show you during the next pledge break. [ int. Bar – Day ] [ Dukofsky, the black Russian, is standing behind an empty bar with bottles of Bombay Sapphire and Grey Goose visible, with Kylie, a sorority girl seated ] Dukofsky: [ unshakably friendly ] Welcome back, ladies and gin-tlemen, I am Dukofsky, the Black Russian, and you are cordial-ly invited to learn a few things about mixing cocktails. One thing I have often been asked is about how to mix the perfect party punch. [ places a large punch bowl on the bar from off camera ] For this I am being joined by my friend, Kylie. So go ahead, ask your pre-scripted questions. Kylie: [ reading slowly ] Can you use too much vodka? Dukofsky: The answer to this question may surprise you. Yes. The vodka's purpose is to overpower your inhibitions, not the taste. Kylie: [ reading slowly ] Is there a [ slowly ] difference between— Dukofsky: I wrote these questions so I'm going to cut you off and answer. There certainly is a difference. It works like this, an expensive lady requires expensive vodka. In your case, a keg of Frickin' Ivan's is probably the best way to go. Kylie: [ ponderously ] Wha— [ Dukofsky slides her a drink which she happily indulges in while he cuts her off ] Dukofsky: Your party rules should be simple: no fake ID, no red cup. [ cut to a graphic displaying this rule in rebus ] Thanks for joining us; we'll be back next time with Duffy Benson and his book "Tequila Mockingbird." [ back to studio ] Sally Fizzek: Isn't this show fantastic? We have Boy Scouts here doing their community service, trying to keep great public television like this on the air. All you have to do is call up and donate. We'd like to remind everyone that we have many great prizes beyond the initial golf towel. Don? [ back to Don and his table of goods ] Don Rivers: If you pledge just $75, we have this great kitchen magnet set to give you. There are seven pieces, and it features some of Dukofsky's favorite bartending puns. There's "Ladies and Gin-tlemen" of course, "My Cup Rummeth Over", "Highball to Center", "Saki To Me". Who wouldn't love to have these terrible puns all over your refrigerator where anyone can see them? What a terrible magnet set, I don't even know who's idea this was, but I'm not going along with it any more. Seriously, you're better off just getting the golf towel. [ picks up Frisbee set ] Don Rivers: Maybe this isn't so bad. For $80 you can get this six-piece logo Frisbee set. Each contains a recipe for one of Dukofsky's favorite cocktails. Take it to the park, throw it around with your kid, it's a good thing to have. So, go for either the golf towel at $35 or the Frisbees at $80. Let's check back in with Sally to see how we're doing with our goal. [ cut to Sally ] Sally Fizzek: Well, Don, we're actually only on pace to make half of our goal, thanks to someone encouraging everyone to get golf towels. [ cut to Don, who is now in the middle of a Frisbee melee ] Don Rivers: News bulletin: do not get the Frisbee pack. Six is just too many to give out at once; your house will be turned into chaos. I've already gotten hit in the head once and I am now using a golf towel as a cool compress to slow down the swelling, just one more use for a terrific item. How are we doing now Sally? [ cut to Sally ] Sally Fizzek: You're really not helping Don. Can't you at least try to make some of the higher prizes look good? [ cut to Don ] Don Rivers: I'm trying my best Sally, but who ordered this crap? [ holding up prizes ] Baby rattles for a bartending program, yeah that's smart. We have a barometer for pledges over $100. A barometer! You know what that measures? Barometric pressure, aka jack shit! Lamp shade covers… no that's not a tacky place for a logo at all. We might as well tattoo the logo to your earlobes! We have this snow-globe of Dukofsky for the sad, sad people that collect snow-globes. [ cut to Sally ] Sally Fizzek: You don't need to insult our viewers like that Don, one fourth of our money comes from those sad, sad people that collect snow-globes. [ cut to Don ] Don Rivers: Perhaps our viewers would be interested in an oversized logo chesse shredder? Maybe a rubber pitchfork? Why don't we just give them real estate in North Dakota? Is this honestly the best our marketing department can do? I mean, can't we at least get some shot glasses? I have an idea, why don't I start a fishing show and all of my prizes can be My Little Pony dolls?!? [ cut to Sally ] Sally Fizzek: You should calm down a little Don, you don't look healthy. [ to off-camera ] He doesn't look healthy. He doesn't look healthy. [ cut to Don, who is hyperventilating while slouched onto the table ] Don Rivers: Am I asking too much? I don't think so? [ over-exhausted ] I don't… think [ heart attack ] Sally Fizzek: [ off-camera ] He's having a heart attack! Doesn't anyone here know CPR? [ Scoutmaster rushes into scene ] Scoutmaster: Jimmy, get me some tennis racket covers to support his head. Paul, get a lampshade cover to raise his feet. Randy, use that snow-globe as a timing device so you can check his pulse. [ to Don ] Don, can you hear me? Are you OK? [ waves a baby rattle in Don's face ] [ to everyone ] He's completely unresponsive, this isn't looking good. Frank and Jeff, make a stretcher out of the kiddie wading pool and the hard rubber pitchforks. We'll need it in a minute. [ slides along a CPTV tote bag and pulls our a defibrillator ] Ian, I need the barometric pressure so I can set this thing correctly. Ian: 30.45, sir. Scoutmaster: Thank you. Bruce, take the kitchen magnets and… well actually those things are pretty useless. Alright, everyone ready? Clear! [ zaps Don with the defibrillator ] [ Don coughs and becomes slightly wakeful ] Scoutmaster: You're in a state of shock, we're getting you to a hospital. But you're going to be alright, thanks to this wide variety of terrific prizes. [ fade out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
