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Guy.....Will Forte Psychiatrist.....Lewis Black Dr. Johanson.....Chris Parnnell Girl.....Rachel Dratch [Scene: Psychiatrists office] Guy: So what do you think doc? Psychiatrist: Hmm. I'll tell you what. You see that window over there? Guy: Yeah. Psychiatrist: That's your future. Guy: Okay. Psychiatrist: Now watch. I'm opening the window. You see. Guy: I think so. So what you're saying is that I'm cured and the future is open to me? Psychiatrist: Exactly. Now I want you to climb out the window. Guy: What? Psychiatrist: Jimmy, Jimmy. Look. This is your problem. You're afraid to face the future. If you don't climb out that window, you're going to be stuck in the past forever. Guy: But doctor. We're on the sixteenth floor. Psychiatrist: Huh? (looks out window) Whoa! No hey, look I was just kidding. Just a test. To see if you're insane in the membrane, insane in the brain. You know what I mean? I get a lot of kooks walking into my office. Ha ha ha. You're alright Jimmy. Guy: Alright. Doctor but really it's important. If I can't get past this fear of flying I'm in big trouble. My new job pretty much depends on it. Psychiatrist: It's all about you isn't it Jimmy. I need to get past MY fear or I'll lose MY job. Waah waaah. What about me Jimmy. Did you ever consider how I might be feeling. This is like your twelfth session and sure I've made a lot of money off of you but frankly, it's not worth it. I mean usually I say 'How do u feel about that.' or 'I see' and the patient eventually comes to some sort of resolution on his own. Oh but not Jimmy. No, he's got all the answers. There's not one damn traumatic event in your perfect little life that we can pin this fear of flying on is there? Is there? Guy: Not that I can think of...sorry. Psychiatrist: Exactly. Bah, u’re trying to figure it out using logic. x+y=10 solve for x and all that crap is your style. Well you want to know the truth Jimmy. Flying is scary. U're 30,000 feet above the ground in a piece of molded scrap metal traveling at a mind boggling speed. A million things could go wrong Jimmy. A MILLION THINGS! Boom crash, that's it Jimmy and there's not a damn thing u can do about it. So suck it up princess and get on with your life. Now get out of my sight. Guy: Wow. You're good. I totally see now. Thanks Dr. U're unorthodox but brilliant. [Guy shakes Psychiatrists hand and then exits.] Psychiatrist: What a nut! (into intercom on desk)Send in my next patient. [Enter Girl] Girl: Hello Doctor, my name is Cynthia Glass. I’m here for my 11 o’clock. Psychiatrist: (taken by her exposed clevage)Hello Cynthia, please sit...er, lie down on the couch. So what seems to be the problem. [Psychiatrist stares at Cynthia’s cleavage the entire time.] Girl: Well, I have a fear that I’m not being taken seriously at work. It feels like all the men at work are just ogling me. I’ve brought it up but everyone says I’m overreacting. I don’t know what to do. Am I oversensitive? Psychiatrist: What makes you think the men are ogling you? Girl: I catch them looking at my breasts...just like you’re doing! Psychiatrist: What? I’m doing no such thing. Could you fold your arms across your stomach. Now squeeze a bit...there we go. Girl: What do you mean you’re not, you’re clearly staring right at my cleavage as I’m talking to you. Psychiatrist: Dear Cynthia. Of course that’s what it looks like to you. You’re crazy. You suffer from a textbook case of Overactive Cleavage Nervosa. Basically, you think guys are always looking at your breasts even when they’re clearly not. Girl: Doctor, I think you’re the crazy one. You haven’t stopped looking at my breasts since I came in! Psychiatrist: Oh really? (presses button on intercom)Doctor Johanson, could you come in here a moment. [enter Dr. Johanson] [Dr. Johanson begins staring at Cynthia’s cleavage as well. Both doctor’s maintain their stare throughout] Psychiatrist: This lady believes I’ve been staring at her breasts. Dr. Johanson: Ridiculous! Girl: What? You’re both doing it! Dr. Johanson: Sounds like a case of Overactive Cleavage Nervosa to me. Psychiatrist: That’s what I thought. Thank you Dr. Johanason. Dr. Johanson: Anytime. And I mean, anytime. [Exit Dr. Johanson] Psychiatrist: Well, you have a second opinion if you didn’t believe me to begin with. Girl: Omigosh. Maybe you’re right. What should I do Doctor? Is there any cure? Psychiatrist: I advise you to take a picture of yourself topless...maybe wearing a black thong...try and do a sexy twist kinda thing…no wait, have a mirror behind you, yes...and then distribute that picture to all the males in the office. That way, you know that if the males wanted to see your boobies, they’d have a picture already. That should ease your anxiety. Girl: Oh thank you doctor. You’ve given me my life back. Psychiatrist: No problem. Hey, don’t forget to send me a copy! (Cynthia leaves)What a rack! (presses button on intercom)Alright Gladys, I’m going for lunch. What do you mean I have to see another patient? Why is it important to see 3 patients before I go for lunch? Rule of three? Gladys...you better book yourself an appointment. AFTER LUNCH! (to self)Honestly, some people. [Fade Out to Billy Joel’s ‘You may be right.’] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
